Nonviolent Communication
and the Best Version of Ourselves
It seems that many people in the
world today really do want to be a
better version of themselves, maybe even the best version of themselves. The list of ways to better oneself is
seemingly endless: yoga, meditation, exercise, time in nature, volunteering,
mentoring; it seems that making the choice of what to do to better oneself is just as difficult as deciding it is
time to do it.
In deciding how a person
might better himself, it is helpful to think about what might achieve the most
immediate and powerful results. For
example, yoga might take years before one notices even some subtle
changes. Meditation could take a
lifetime or even two. Exercise can certainly
take months. There is one practice,
however, that can change a person’s life in just a few hours of study: the art
and science of nonviolent communication (NVC).
When we learn to speak and communicate without judgment, reaction, or
criticism, we can move the totality of our relationships and daily experiences
into a new realm of enrichment, joy, pleasure, and support.
Nonviolent communication offers its
practitioners a richer, sweeter life. At
its simplest form, NVC is a way of communicating that does not hurt or harm
anyone or anything. Marshall Rosenberg,
the founder of NVC, tells us that there is a specific approach to communication
that will lead us to give from the heart; it will connect us with ourselves and
with each other (2). No longer operating
out of habitual, automatic responses and reactions, our words become firmly
based on conscious awareness.
Simultaneously, we pay attention to others in a respectful and empathic
manner; the goal being to have our needs met without defending, withdrawing, or
attacking (3). Resistance,
defensiveness, and violent reactions are greatly reduced or even abandoned
(3). Rosenberg writes, “When we focus on
clarifying what is being observed, felt and needed rather than on diagnosing
and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion” (4). For all those who practice NVC, a life without
violence, hostility, anger, or defensiveness offers the possibility of a much
richer life.
People in the world today are looking
for more joy and pleasure; where they are looking, however, may not be where it
can ultimately be found. Social media,
smartphones, Netflix – there is mounting evidence that these are detracting from
life instead of adding to life (Longstreet & Brooks 75). Rosenberg
writes that unconscious speaking and listening blocks compassion, and
ultimately leads to violence and “life-alienating communication” (15), such as
moralistic judgments, denial of responsibility, and communicating desires as
demands (22-23). Rosenberg believes that
this life-alienating communication grows from and supports dominating
societies, where large populations are controlled by leaders operating out of their
own interests (23). This produces a
“slave-like” mentality, where the people are looking outside of themselves for
authority, instead of looking to their own feelings and needs as their moral
compass (23). As we look outside of
ourselves, we lose ourselves: joy and pleasure diminish, and our very nature to
enjoy giving and receiving compassionately is lost.
Learning how to make requests versus
demands is a fundamental component of NVC.
As we learn this skill, the world and its people open up to us; we start
living a life where we are supported and in turn support others. Rosenberg writes that requests are received
as demands when others believe they will be “blamed or punished if they do not
comply” (79). Generally, as we demand of
others to get our own needs met, they will either submit or rebel. In both instances, the person requesting is
deemed coercive, and the listener’s ability to respond compassionately to the
request is limited (79).
As we continue
to blame, punish, or urge others to meet our requests, we lose the respect, and
ultimately the support of those around us (79).
As we create relationships based on honesty and empathy, requesting
instead of demanding, we develop supportive and nurturing relationships where everyone’s
needs are being met, and not just our own.
Understanding the principles of NVC and
beginning to use them in our relationships and daily interactions can be as
simple as buying a book on NVC or investing in a workshop. Couples can radically change the dynamics of
their relationship, countries can fuel alliance instead of war, and friendships
can be healed and nurtured. Without
judgment, reaction, or criticism, relationships can be nourished and strengthened,
and with this strengthening comes a higher quality of life for everyone, not
just the person practicing NVC.
The
world and its people are looking for
change; they are looking for ways to
live richer and more supportive lives with more joy and pleasure. The evidence of this can be found in the
powerful movement of NVC across the borders and frontiers of our globe;
impacting leaders, governments, families, and friendships. NVC clearly carries with it the profound
potential for both world-wide and personal transformation.
Works Cited
Longstreet, Phil, and Stony Brooks. “Life
satisfaction: A key to managing internet & social media addiction.” Technology in Society, vol. 50, Aug.
2017, pp. 73-77. ScienceDirect, doi.org/10.1016/j.techsoc.2017.05.003. Accessed 18 March 2019.
Rosenberg, Marshall
B., Nonviolent Communication: A Language
of Life. 2nd ed., Puddledancer Press, 2003.
