Trust.....

There are a lot of worthwhile things to place our trust in.....
Our partners, our children, our employers, our friends, our parents, our vision of God....
But what about our bodies?
This is what really hit me today, i mean, big time.
You see, I've been in bed for 2 days, and even before that, continually struggling with the most intense lower back pain i could possibly imagine....
The only thing seemingly worse than these past two days, would be if i literally could not get out of bed...  As of right now, it is more in the realm of: possible or impossible in any given moment.
For the past month or so, I've been continuing to go to my daily Sattva yoga class, not telling my teacher or my classmates what has really been going on for me, what kind of pain i have actually been in....
Because the thing is, I've got to take responsibility for this injury.  What could i be doing differently in my life, which emotions am i carrying that need to be set free, am i over-doing it in yoga, am i trying to prove to myself or others that i am stronger or more flexible than i actually am.....
All of these are valid considerations....
Even though i understand there is no such thing as right or wrong on a spiritual path, there is still the idea that i could do things differently, and therefore, possibly give myself a more peaceful life experience in this body.
For example, i could buy myself a desk and a chair instead of lying on my bed to type all the time, this could make a significant difference to the health of my back...  I would have to make a new choice though, one i have clearly not been ready to make.
Which emotions am i carrying....  For example, I am not working right now, and i am a little more aware of  financial pressure than i have been previously....  I am letting go of my former career as a raw food chef, and just last night deleted my professional blog site and work contact email....  The lower back is where we carry our fears of being able to support ourselves in the world, and right now, I'm definitely not doing my best job of it.  The thing is, letting go of one career, and opening up to a new one, is for me, as big of a transition and life shift as my divorce was 6 years ago now....
Yoga...  I definitely push myself to my limit.  Today for the first time, i held back from the more advanced poses, and yes, in only one day my back now feels significantly less strained.
What have i been trying to prove?
I can see that all of the above really come down to my ego....  Clearly, I am still trying to prove something to myself and/or others.  It appears i do want to change my life, and yet i also don't want to change it badly enough to actually follow through with the actions required....
This must change if i am going to release my fears of abundance, fears of supporting myself, fears of not being good enough, and generally, just all my fears!  I feel like I've hit the bottom where truly, the pain to stay in this fire, feels much more painful than what it would take to rise out of the ashes.
Earlier tonight, i had just finished my dinner of baked happy chicken (hence, i am no longer too interested in being a raw food chef....) and i felt thirsty.  My first thought was that i should not drink with a meal, as it washes away our digestive enzymes and causes bloating and poor assimilation.
Then i had the most amazing thought....  Why would I feel thirsty if it was not healthy for me to drink in that moment?  Why would my body send me that information if it wasn't right or true?
And then, why would my back be in so much pain, if it wasn't trying to communicate something very important to me?
And then i realized it was time to start trusting myself.  Fully trusting myself and my body, my heart and my soul.
Books and information are fine, as a way to help interpret my own body language and signs...  But to take on other people's ideas and opinions as my own, that can be very dangerous....  To take on their truth, no matter how sound their evidence, as my own truth, all of a sudden seems like the most ridiculous exercise i have ever taken on for myself.
I have a second job interview this wednesday at 11:30 am, and i really really want this job.  I want to support myself, heal myself, trust myself, i think I'd be awesome at this job, and i also just really like these guys that run the company....
Yet as i study each day to prepare myself for their potential questions,  i find i am getting more and more into my head on the matter, and more and more fears are coming up..
Yet when i am quiet, and i trust myself, and i am not causing myself or my body any unnecessary pain, then i can realize that surely all will be perfect as it unfolds in that moment.
I will either know the right answers, or i will not.  It is very simple.
I will either get the job or i will not, and the most perfect outcome will come forth.
It is time to truly start listening to myself.  Now.
If I am thirsty, i should drink.
If I am hungry, i should eat.
If I am in pain, i should rest.
If i am stressed, i should ask the right questions to move from that place.
If I am in fear, i should do what needs to be done to release the fear.
We were given these natural bodily reactions and emotions for a reason!
I am ready to let go of all of my knowledge, and truly listen to the language of my own body.

Day of Surrender....

Today was one of my nothing days.....i simply allowed myself to do whatever I wanted to do...

This mostly entailed lying in bed, eating almonds and raw cacao, reading a dear friends book, and watching David Deida videos....

I learned more about myself, life, God, relationship and men than i ever could have had i kept myself busy all day long...

And ultimately, these are the things i am most trying to fathom as of late.

I recently met a soul mate.

For 10 days we connected at a soul level.

David Deida taught me today something i had already known, but needed a reminder of:

In a first stage relationship, the other person gives to us our validity and our beauty; our worthiness.

In a second stage relationship, we no longer need the other person.  This is where I had been for the past 5 years of my life, up until about 1 or so years ago.  At this level of relationship, we do not trust another to bring us to God, or to take us somewhere further than we could go alone.  This is often because our own fears and limitations are attracting to us the same fears and limitations in another.  At this stage of relationship, we are proving to ourselves we can go at it alone, we do not need anyone else....  We are complete and whole as we are.

If we are fully able to transcend this second stage relationship, and truly open to another as God Consciousness, a whole new world opens for us....  We move into a third stage relationship.

I have longed for this for some time, and i had never found it.

This time i found it.

For 10 mere days, i was opened up to Love and God and Consciousness.  Love moved through me like a current, i was on fire, i was an explosion waiting to burst forth into a new reality of life and love.

But i ran away from it.

I have run before.

Today on my nothing day, i was ready to face this.

If one wants to understand God Consciousness, the masculine and Divine feminine, there are few better to turn to than David Deida.

This is what i learned today.....

I must trust my own heart.  When I am truly open, available and ready to receive God through another, only my heart can speak the language i need to hear.  My mind cannot, and ultimately, it will prevent me from hearing the words i need to hear.

Once i have true faith in myself, my willingness and readiness to receive, my heart will point the perfect path to Truth.

Once i understood this, i was finally able to surrender to these past 10 days.....

Since I ran from this love, i have felt pain.  I have wanted to reach out to him, claim him once again, convince myself i could open further if only i would try harder, and more than anything, i have wanted to feel his love once again...... I wanted to feel his warmth, his connection, his soul, his spirit, his manifestation as God.

Without him, and all he gave me, i have felt lonely, barren, cold, alone, isolated, withdrawn.

He opened me.  He claimed me.  He tore me apart.  I asked for all of it.

And yet, here at the end of a literal day, i find i am none of those things.  I find that space within me that he filled with his love, and i open it up once again to God.

When a conscious man claims a woman, she is taken somewhere new.  When that consciousness leaves her, she feels a void, and this void is terrifying.  This void is that feeling when we first entered the world, that moment where we simply wanted nothing more than to return to the cocoon of our mother's womb.

It feels like it would have been better to have never felt this love, the fleeting glimpse seems more painful than the lack there-of.

Yet in some much deeper place of Truth, i know that is not the case....  I know my heart has been stripped and healed by Love, i know my soul has been torn and stitched back together by Love.

And at the end of a nothing day, i know my heart spoke the Truth.

I accept the ending, just as i accepted the beginning.

I accept the empty vast chasm in my heart, longing to be filled once again, just as i accepted it's fulfillment by another's love for me.

When God Consciousness is presented to me some day once again, I will have a similar decision to make....  These decisions can only be made in the immediate moment, and i will once again have to trust my heart that the consciousness i am being offered is truly right, pure, holy and true.

If it isn't, i will have to let go, and once again, I will have to move through the pain of loss, and once again, I will have to decide to trust my heart over my head.

Because my head wants my lover back.

My head wants a strong shoulder to lean my face upon.

My head wants a warm body to stretch out upon and feel the radiating warmth of.

My head is scared that the more times i walk away from this, the greater will be my chances of it never being offered to me again.

And yet, the Truth shows me this is not so.  The Truth shows me just the opposite.  Every man i give my heart to, is just a little more conscious.  Every man i meet, is just a little more available to meet me in his entirety.  Every man i meet is able to give me of himself just a little more fully.

And this is solely because i myself am blooming into those qualities myself.

And so on this nothing day, i surrender even more fully to God, and this journey of life i find myself a pilgrim of...  I surrender even more fully to the masculine which is Consciousness, and i accept the ever changing whirling tumbling of unrecognizable feelings, emotions and idiosyncrasies that is the feminine of Me....

Today i accept that all men are perfect, yet the most perfect man for me, is out there somewhere, diligent and perfect in maintaining his openness and readiness for our union.

Today i learned that inside of a relationship, God Consciousness does not have a tipping point....  The tipping point must occur before our union is possible.

That point where the union with the masculine and feminine becomes inevitable, must occur before the two come into contact....  To try to prepare for this union, once the opposite poles of the masculine and feminine are magnetized and within each other's radius, is perfectly epitomized by the Chaos Theory: it is completely impossible to predict or control the outcome.

And i want to control the outcome,  i don't want the Chaos Theory applied to my direct experience of God Consciousness.  I want to know that i am ready to meet this union like a warrior, i have prepared my whole life for this opening, and i will not be distracted by any parts of the life occurring around me....

I want my partner to be in this same state of union: directly experiencing me as God, without distraction, fears, parts of his heart tucked aside for other more seemingly crucial current life circumstances.

Can we give all of ourselves to another human being?

Can we be truly ready to give all of ourselves to another human being?

Can we be in this state of perpetual motion, continually moving closer to our Beloved.....

Can we risk pain and loneliness, and the terrifying emptiness of the void, to release another, when our heart tells us it must be so....

Can we sit with this fissure throughout our entire body, bleeding and gaping wounds for all to see, in order to risk ourselves for Conscious Love?

I feel nauseous, i feel empty, i feel paralyzed, i feel sore, i feel winded.....

I feel like 10 days of conscious love was more revealing to me than 8 years of personal seeking on my own for God.

If 10 days can break me open, imagine a lifetime of this.

I am sorry, my Beloved, that i had to move away....,  i am sorry my Beloved that Truth spoke the words neither of us wanted to hear.....  i am sorry my Beloved that Divine Time was not Our Time.

I would like to be your soul friend.  I would like to know that your path is unfolding perfectly before you.  I would like to know that our hearts will always remain open, the Tipping Point long behind us..... The Chaos Theory wildly propelling us forward.