Day 19 Cleanse: It's time for my Awakening

something truly incredible happened last night
and again early this morning
i had gone to bed at 10:30 and lain there for some time processing my day
i finally looked over at the clock, I'm not even sure why
and it read :  11:11
i was a little in awe of the glaring sequence of numbers
but turned over and went to sleep
i woke up again very early this morning
rolled over
looked at the clock
and it read:  4:44

i don't even have to guess at this
I'm being asked to wake up
now
fully awaken to the truth
that there is nothing else really here
beyond love, light and joy
nothing else is real
it is time to awaken to the greater purpose of sharing this energy
how i share it doesn't so much matter
it's not the what
it's the how and the why

the number 1 signifies purity, new beginnings and the start of new ventures
it also symbolizes initiative, power, motivation, raw energy and intuition
the number 4 signifies solidity, roots, peace, calm and home
it also symbolizes persistence and endurance
when we stack them up together, like in 11:11
this compounds their importance in our lives
it greatly enhances the power of their message or lesson
it is time for me to start my new life, to create a peaceful home for myself
somewhere that i am safe, cared for, loved and purposeful
i knew today was going to be a big day

I'm here to help stop the destruction of our planet
I'm here to assist in it's healing
and to start the recreation of what we've torn apart
I'm here to share love and light with all others
so they too can awaken to the truth
my purpose is to keep my vibration high at all times
and to no longer submit to it's fall back down
and as more of us do this
the whole world changes
these powerful numbers, perfectly sequenced
show me there are higher forces guiding me
i am not alone
what we see in the physical realm, is not all there is to see
and sometimes they come and show us little signs
to help point us on our way

i am here to fully live in my purpose
in a higher vibration
i need to let go of the lower energies of the world
hence, my choice for living food years back
to live in the country now over the city
near the ocean, the tropics, the mountains and the sunshine
all such powerful forces of nature
my choice to choose organic ripe foods, full of the earth's life force
to work, play and live off the land
with gardens, animals, insects, trees and soil

i now further understand my mission to meet my life partner
this work is best done when the masculine and feminine join together
their coming together creates significant surges of power
creativity, energy, vibration and healing
together they are like one thousand beings joining
their union is essential
we must find our Other and co-create

there is a reason why we were created so differently
the masculine and the feminine
creation is never imperfect
our forming of one body, one soul, one purpose
is why we are here
the Bible was of course right all along:
"and the two shall become one flesh" (Gen. 2:24)
i finally understand
this isn't about losing our autonomy, our independence
this isn't about women submitting to men
or men submitting to women
it is about our energies blending and igniting the spark inside of us
without the masculine in my life, i feel empty, tired, weak and unfocused
i can conjure it up within myself, it's there
but it's nothing like the feeling of physically joining with a man
we join together and we give each other life force, vitality and joy

this joining of the two together is not about physical earthly love
although that exists and it is beautiful
but this call to joining is on a much higher vibrational level
the urge inside of us is more spiritual than anything
but until our own vibration is high enough to understand this
it will be the pleasure of the physical body that will draw us to one another

i have met so many men over my time here
and i have been so frustrated by their lack of purpose, clarity, direction
in Bruce's last email to me he wrote, "this is the year of the bike"
fuck!
this is actually the year of awakening to our highest purpose
the time is now!
which is truth, love, light, joy and radical forgiveness
and with those truths in place, we start to do the work
which is to heal the entire planet, including ourselves
and if that means you are riding your bike, fine
but you will be riding your bike EN ROUTE to doing the work!
let's wake up!  it's time
i see it in all of us
this yearning to rise above fear, greed, lack, insecurity, drama and chaos
but these earthly energies are so intense, so dark at times
it takes every bit of our concentration
to somehow pull our heads out of the murkiness
for even just a moment here and there

but every now and then when we do
we all see it don't we
the beauty that surrounds us
the sheer joy that exists in relationship, community, family and partnership
in the trees, the leaves, the grasses and the flowers
in the animals that we're caging and torturing to eat
in the soil that we're raping, fertilizing and stripping
in the seeds that we're dissecting, destroying and GMO'ing
and in the water that we're wasting, selling and polluting

by this evening it was done
it happened just like that
i found a permaculture institute near puerto vallarta, mexico
i applied
and i was accepted as an intern for this winter
my flight leaves calgary October 30
it will be my new home, i know it
my roots will grow there over the years and take shape
in the form of a new family, purpose and life

Day 18 Juice Cleanse: My Own Path

the Universe is surely constriving in our favour today
only one day after starting to make the potassium broth soup
a neighbour came by and dropped off a bag of garden potatoes for us
what?!
until yesterday we wouldn't have even had a use for them
today they are like a gift of flowing nectar from the honey gods:)

then Estelle went out with the dogs for a walk
and she found a huge pile of fresh tree apples that someone had dumped
Dani went running out and collected them all
and now we've got at least 30 pounds of fresh apples for juicing
we were just coming to the end of our pears and needing a replacement
which too had been free
Gilbert had picked them from the ground in the Okanagan this summer
there is nothing i love more than eating food the way God intended:
free, wild, organic, ripe, local and fresh

i slept for 7 hours last night!
a deep sleep too
i awoke feeling more "normal" than i have in any recent recollection
light, clear, pain-free, alive, motivated, willing and able
i don't know what my future yet holds
but there was more hope, readiness, peace and longing for it
than i have felt in any recent time past

we have had a full week off from meditation and yoga now
first with the retreats, and then me getting so sick
the time has flown by, and all of a sudden here we are
seven days later
tonight will be our first time together again
and my body, mind and soul are so ready
to pick up on this part of the journey once again

i have a feeling of new spaciousness within me today
a feeling of deep trust in the process of life
a sense of acknowledgement for how much pressure i have put on myself
for having to know the answers, to get my life all figured out and set in motion
the reality is this:
three years ago i lost everything
every single thing i knew to be true in my life
money, home, friends, family, community, town, dog, possessions, activities, health
all of it
not one thing remained
not even my van or my bank account
i walked away from my entire life with only my beloved bike
which was then stolen one week later!
so there you go.....
i have never once doubted
that complete and utter "nothingness"
was exactly where i was supposed to be
at that time

today i am ready to find the patience within myself
to recreate my life
not based on expectations, pre-held ideas or visions, or the "easy way"
not based on who i think i should be
or who i think others think i should be
it is time to let all of that go
and find my own authentic path in this world
the path that was designed solely and perfectly just for me
the path in which I am the only single solitary human being
on the face of this entire planet
with the capacity to walk down it in these shoes
so gracefully, confidently, and intuitively
with all the exact and precise intelligence
that only exists inside of me

i made our second batch of potassium broth today
this is what i used:
10 carrots
5 potatoes
2 onions
1 beet
1/4 turnip
1/2 bunch celery
1 red pepper
3 inches of ginger
10 garlic cloves
5 bay leaves

i chopped everything up quite small, and simmered it in lots of water for 4 hours
i let it cool completely off
and then squeezed all of the liquid from the vegetables
through a nut milk straining bag
(kind of like cheese cloth if you don't have one)
this is a really delicious broth
we are feeding the strained vegetables to the dogs
and they are loving it!

Day 16 Cleanse: Are you my Warrior? poem

back to source

We are all yearning
for source
the return
to truth
sometimes men
need to take the easier way
maybe even
just for a short awhile
beers and tv
video games
sports
women
especially young women
for their life force is at it's peak
easy target for the picking
to understand this
is to break through
the more the yearning
the stronger the urge
the deeper the sleep
the more they'll believe
that what they seek
really is the truth
we can get there so many ways
this false sense of source
drugs, alcohol, wine, porn
fast food, money, wealth, women
all of it seems real
the dream of the sleeper
tell me who you are
and I'll tell you who I'm not
I'm nothing you can see with your eyes
I'll never blind you with my beauty
the warrior
listens to the words of the world
then takes their hand
and leads them back to the truth
the warrior
is not lured in
by anything
he will never tell you what he is
but he will tell you what he is not
he is not of this world
he is only in this world
for a short while
passing through
the dust on a gravel road
a pebble lying by a stream
it's time to find a safe space
we've done everything there is to do
it's time to let go of all the ideas
that led us right to now
paycheques and bank accounts
are not going to work anymore
it's time to be fierce
courageous
wake up
and move back to the land
the cities are dark
and no longer safe
we need to survive
for the rebuilding
to be a martyr now
is no longer an act of defiance
we need clean water and gardens
superfoods and fruit trees
a few years supply at the least
some of us will go
to where the hunting is
but i promise you
we are better off
saving our seeds
and planting our trees
the world will need every wild animal it has
to rebuild this land
every oak tree
and every birch tree
maple and Douglas fir
they will do the work
we no longer know how to do
i sit here in the city
waiting for my lover
to find the strength
to come with me
and build our garden together

Day 15: You're not "Him": poem

waiting

i don't know why I'm here
or why I'm not
Lewis Hyde
James Hollis
Menzies
there is no truth
my soul does not already know
Time
i can no longer wait
my body suffers
for the knowing
of the unlived life
suburbia
a lull
short
even somewhat sweet
but still
my body screams
my eyelid flickers
across the room
books by the bedside
rugs strewn on floors
a book
unopened
all unopened
like hearts
waiting to be flung
out open windows
drape-less
exposed vistas
vulnerable mountains
they land
in patches of grass
falling open
to unread passages
unwalked paths
dark alleyways
strangers
with eyes averted
no one
really sees me
although once you did
sheets on clotheslines
speak of happier times
before knowledge
like dust
blew in with the wind
white turned grey
blessed night
obscured
All
my body refusing
to fall back asleep
jobs beckon
children cry
spouses demand
family calls
and still
we inch forward
and still
we free fall backwards
landing
on soft mattresses
clean sheets
family bbq's
the laughter of friends
red wine
black coffee
salmon steaks
well paying jobs
dental plans
free medical
only the fool
would ever walk away
enlightenment
consciousness
spirituality
like trenches of mud
we stand thigh high
screaming up at the moon
for a gravity pull
Be Here Now
Loving What Is
The Gift
elusive words
like the stars
stared at
through skylights
panes of glass
separating nothing
everything
fake food
bees in boxes
plastic houses
concrete hearts
prepackaged days
expired lives
we fit in
because we must
we bend and shape
or we would die
i sound melodramatic
to a world
reigned in
by necessity
i dream of the world
where death is but a doorway
if i thought there was a reason
i would stay
but today
i cannot conjure up the energy
to don the cloak
this world
demands i wear
where are You?
you keep me grounded
the Other
that cannot be bound by Time
ever marching us
towards the End
of life?
of breath?
of this beating heart?
nothing is real
but You
tears stream down the backs of my eyes
down my throat
along my heart
and into my stomach
they bloat my belly
and they heavy my steps
my skin browns in the sun
as i wait for the world to awaken

Day 14 Juice Cleanse: Shadow Selves

i slept for 6 hours again last night!
i was wide awake until 12:30 am. and was starting to get worried
but when i finally crashed i was out cold until nearly 7 this morning

we haven't done our daily yoga/meditation here now since thursday
due to the guests that have been staying here needing the space
and now with Dani and Estelle leaving, we won't again today
i notice the difference without it for sure
but the time off has given my body some of the extra rest it needed
i still don't have the energy for other exercise each day
and this is hard for my body and mind to be ok with
but i feel so certain that i am making the right choice
and that this cleansing process will be so much swifter
with the space and rest allowed and needed for it to happen

i am continually having moments of incredible mental clarity and ease in my body
followed by moments of cleansing so deep i fear i won't come out of it
i know this is a sign
to keep me on my path
to encourage me to keep up the work
the Universe is sharing with me this incredible vision
of what my future will one day look and feel like for me

i suppose i haven't mentioned Bruce much lately have i
i guess I've been doing some deep processing on it
so deep the words haven't even been rising to the surface
but today, words finally started to come up for me
and at first this is what my brain wanted to write about it:

the truth is that i feel complete with the time Bruce and i shared
i feel i have learned the lessons that i needed to learn from him
it was easily the most painful time of my life
and i am finally ready to do WHATEVER it takes within myself
to never manifest that kind of relationship again
my heart feels healed, it feels whole again, mended
stitched all perfectly back up together again....
this was one of my goals for the cleanse
so on only day 14 today, this seems like a voluminous marker passed
and it gives me hope, confidence and momentum forward

because i have been manifesting this same kind of relationship
since i was only in my teens
since the very first man that i ever dated
that watched porn, read porn, had porn up on his walls
talked about women as objects instead of goddesses
and i hated them all
and i set out to prove to them how much i hated them
by entering into relationship with them
to punish them, hurt them, pain them and then ultimately leave them
when they proved to me that they were in fact as brutal as i believed them to be

it was the pain body of a very young girl
listening to a father talk about women's breasts and asses
brutally cutting down my mother as being fat
making snide comments about ugly women
and then whistling and hooting at the "pretty ones" as we passed them by

and finally, finally it is all behind me
a lifetime of pain behind me
worked through in the end with "Radical Forgiveness"
(http://www.radicalforgiveness.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/Radical-Forgiveness-EBook.pdf)
and I'm going to have to be SO diligent now
not to fall into any of my old patterns, behaviours, or thoughts
any of those self limiting ideas and beliefs
that allow me to believe that i am not worthy of every single thing that i yearn for
that allow me to believe that men are not as worthy of love as women are
that allow me to believe that men are not pure, true, loyal, loving and holy

because the thing is this
i actually deep in my soul DO believe that men are all those things
i really do
and i always have
it was my shadow side
the side that was born to protect me from my father
that created this story inside of me to keep me safe from him
and all other men like him
but the thing is this
I'm a strong, healthy, smart, conscious woman now
i can spot "those" men a mile away
i don't need to protect myself from them any longer
they are not even in my same energy field
i am now safe to interact with all men that come my way!
if we are drawn to one another, then i can trust that i am safe
and as i trust them, they trust me
and both of our shadow sides can stay where they belong
off in the distance keeping a watchful eye
but no longer interfering in our lives and happiness

the biggest revelation of all
is that even "those" men that i did have to protect myself from
even them!
they too are perfect
it is only their shadow side that is protecting them as well
how can i not have compassion for that
when I've lived my entire life out the same way?
their shadow side distrusts me just as much as mine distrusts them
i am now free to let all men be perfect as they are
and trust that my highest self is calling in their highest self at all times

BUT
here's the thing
after writing all of the above
i felt compelled to send Bruce an email in response to his last one to me
(which i had never shared here, as of course, it is his email and not mine to share)
but when i reread his email, my heart completely unfurled itself open one more time
and i cried, and i cried, and i cried some more....
the truth is that i am not yet fully healed
that was my head talking and not my heart
and the process will take time and patience
we loved and still love one another
and this journey to complete healing cannot be rushed through

here is the email i ended up writing and sending him today:
(which finally came from my heart!)

happy fall solstice!  (only hours away, and new moon too!)
thank you for your return note the other night Bruce
thank you for staying open to our healing together.....
i can't even begin to share with you adequate words to let you know the healing that is happening daily in my life because of our meeting....
it is just so incredible and wild and I cry many times a day for the releases of anger i am experiencing inside of myself towards the masculine energy
you are truly the most amazing thing that has ever come about in my life
i feel like not one part of me is the same as it was on july 11th when we tentatively walked closer to one another
reading about your releases and shifts as well, the whole thing just becomes an even greater experience of compassion and love for one another
i have been blogging daily about it all, and this creative expression i am positive has been paramount to my healing as well
so much comes out of me when i freely write, without holding back or censoring.....
i miss BC so much, the forests and the lakes and trails
i miss Whysper and you and your home
i miss elixirs and salads and planting gardens
i miss eating dinners on sleeping bags on hardwood floors:)
yet of course, i am exactly where i am supposed to be
(as of course you knew!)
and i honour your future journey so deeply
the potential course in the states, and your dreams for more biking
i also send you support for your meeting with the university
of course it will turn out exactly as it should
your destiny and purpose here will surely be fulfilled
every time i think i have healed my heart fully from us, i reread your last email
and i am broken wide open once again by you
blessings to you my love
Robyn

i had an interesting skype last night as well
it was with a former partner of mine
we hadn't spoken in over 7 months now
since that fateful night in February 2014
when our dark shadows
decided to attempt a conversation with one another:)

for the record
it doesn't work
at any given time
in any given intimate relationship
at least one higher self must be present in all conversations!
if one partner needs to bring out their shadow for a short period of time
fine
if it must be, it must be
but in a conscious relationship it then becomes paramount
that the other person stay fully connected to their highest self during that time
it cannot work any other way
unless of course you are comfortable with mad chaos
unless of course you are sure you can somehow survive the aftermath
we weren't
we didn't

in any case
it was nice to hear his voice
and in many ways it felt like the seven months had never even gone by
we are going to attempt a friendship
and this is the first time for me that i have ever considered this with a former partner
I'm not sure how it will work
because i feel that a full "moving on" is paramount to new doors opening
so i don't know
i don't have an answer to this today
but i do want to live with my heart fully open
and so for now, i will simply see how this feels and where it goes
and trust the process

while we were Skyping, a really huge spider crawled right over my leg
it totally startled me, but he was talking, so i didn't say anything
i just kind of swiped it away and it landed on the floor and crawled away
(I'm sorry spider that i felt fear and that i brushed you away from me so quickly!!)
then after the Skype, i started thinking about animal medicine
and what the spider was there to tell me
i mean, it's not that often that a spider will crawl right over a person IN A HOUSE!
there was definitely a message there for me
so i spent hours this morning researching on line
because i knew the message would be somewhat obscure
not necessarily the most obvious and first thing to jump out at me
because there is simply just so much history between me and this man

traditionally, spiders represent the creative forces of the feminine
and more specifically, they represent the creativity energy of writing
spiders are thought to have created the primordial human language
which  is very accurate for me right now
as i have been dedicating myself and my time to this 40 day blog process
and yet, she crawled right over me exactly on our Skype call
so i kept on trying to dig deeper
knowing there was a message here for me directly pertaining to this man
i finally felt i had found it
the following is taken from:
http://www.whats-your-sign.com/spider-symbol-meaning.html

————————————————————————————————————

Spider Symbolism

The Spider is an ancient symbol of mystery, power and growth.

We take our first lesson from the ancient symbol of the Spider by contemplating its web.

Just as the Spider weaves a web, so too must we weave our own lives. The Spider symbol meaning here serves as a reminder that our choices construct our lives. When the Spider appears to us, it is a message to be mindful of the choices we are making - and ask ourselves:

How are my choices affecting my life?
How can my choices improve my life?
How are my choices affecting others in my life?

Not only do Spiders and their webs draw attention to our life choices, they also give us an overview of how we can manipulate our thinking in order to construct the life we wish to live.

Spiders do this by calling our awareness to the amazing construction of their webs. Fully functional, practical, and ingenious in design - Spider webs serve as homes, food storage, egg incubators - seemingly limitless in their functionality.

When we consider this ingenious diversity, we can also consider the web-like construct of our own lives. How are we designing the most effective life?

When we see our decisions, choices and actions as far-reaching, effective tools in life - we can see how we weave a web that can either serve us or enslave us. The Spider symbol meaning beckons us to be mindful of our behaviors - be smart about the life we weave for ourselves.

We can derive more Spider symbol meaning when we consider certain subtle characteristics that represent ancient symbols of infinity.

The infinity symbol meanings occur when we consider most Spiders have eight eyes and all have eight legs. The number eight is also a symbol of infinity or lemniscate (an eight turned on its side). Also, the vibrational frequency indicates the meaning of number eight involves cycles, passage of time, and evolution.

In Native American symbolism, the Spider is a symbol of protection against torrential storms. In yet other Native American lore accounts, the Spider (personified as the Grandmother) was the teacher and protector of esoteric wisdom.

The meaning of Spider in India is associated with Maya. The term Maya comes from the Sanskrit root "Ma" which means no form or limit. The term Maya describes the illusory nature of appearances. The Spider’s association with Maya brings about the understanding that not all things are as they appear to be.

————————————————————————————————————

thank you!
i get it
be careful, and be mindful
stay awake
keep to my truth, and keep to my path
in every second, make sure i am creating and weaving the life of my dreams
the future that i am manifesting and building for myself right now
because there are no right or wrong choices
but certainly they WILL create my future
so i must make sure i am spinning everything that i want to spin
and nothing else
or my web will one day look significantly different
than how i had once envisioned it to look

Day 12 Juice Cleanse: Soul's Yearning

i slept SO well last night!
i fell asleep at 11 pm
and slept right through until 7 am this morning
this was one of my goals for the cleanse
to develop healthier sleeping cycles
I've suffered from insomnia for years
and so on only day 12 of the cleanse today
this feels like a huge gift
a sign
that this cleanse is indeed the healing that i am ready for

this morning i was on breakfast duty
here at the edmonton retreat centre - cabine soleil
it wasn't difficult for me, and i felt no temptation to the food whatsoever
i made a sweet potato and candied-tomato egg scramble
everyone was over the top happy with it
so that felt like reward enough for me
i love cooking and preparing whole foods for people
we used local free range eggs from just down the road
raw organic free range cheese from Kootenay Alpine Cheese
BC tomatos Gilbert picked himself this summer on vacation
and Dani had made the bread from scratch yesterday

i don't choose to eat these foods myself
I've been raw vegan for 10 years now
but if I'm going to prepare them for others
local organic ethical ingredients are a huge priority for me
well, not actually just a priority anymore
but mandatory
i am no longer willing to make other choices
because for sure, there will always be an easier  way, or a cheaper way
but if i do this in one area of my life, i will have the capacity to do it in every area

Estelle continued to drink only her juices today
and didn't mention any more of her concerns for continuing with the cleanse to me
so I'm assuming for now she is feeling stronger
and we will discuss it more whenever she is ready to
it was beautifully warm here today, and i got to spend time lying in the sunshine
i also gave shiatsu massages to 2 of the guests that are with us right now

my mind today is starting to feel clearer
i know every day from now on throughout the cleanse, this will only intensify
it feels like a heavy fog is lifting
a fog i didn't even know i was in until it started to lift
my sinuses are completely clear
and i feel like I've never been able to breathe this freely before
my ears still have a slight ringing and fuzziness to them
but that is definitely clearing as well
the last time i felt this good was 3 years ago on my last long cleanse

this morning i was asked by one of the guests here at breakfast
what it is exactly that i am looking for in a potential life partner
i explained to her my theory of co-creation
and how when the masculine and feminine come together
with a shared life's purpose, the energy of that space is compounded exponentially
compared to what either of them could do on their own
and the love that is generated by the shared purpose
and the desire to co-create together
all create this magnetic charge between the two that is unparalleled
it is a completely different experience than what is traditionally found in the world
(much of my theories and ideas originate with the Anastasia Ringing Cedars book series-i have been studying them for three years now)

by the end of it the whole table was listening and nodding their heads
everyone "got it"
but here's the super interesting part
not one of them actually wanted it for themselves!
they felt that kind of energy would stifle them, take away their independence
make them feel cloistered, suppressed, unfree, overly accountable and annoyed
wow!
seriously, wow
this is precisely how ALL of the men have felt like that i have been with!
i was blown away!
so this is not a "feminine" problem per se
i mean, i thought this was what the feminine yearned for!
i thought this was simply a product of me being born a woman!
but it is not true
because every single person at the table this morning was in fact a woman
WOW

one of the women also shared with me that she had a male friend
who felt the same way i did
he wanted a partner to co create with in his life as well
not someone to simply come home to eat dinner with
take vacations with
make love to
walk the dogs
share a home
watch movies
support each other's separate careers......
he wanted something MORE
he had this yearning, this knowing, that there was something more out there

so i finally get it
this is a soul yearning, this is something i came here to experience, to share
it is not because I'm a woman, or because I'm trying to change any man
although, i HAVE tried to change the men I've been with
because i thought there was no other way
i thought men just didn't get it!
my soul so longed for this, and i honestly felt
that if i explained my theory enough times
they would one day finally declare their universal agreement on it
they would one day jump on board, and say, yes!  this is incredible
this is too what i want!
but that has ever happened
and i finally see now that it actually has nothing to do with men or women
it only has to do with my very own soul

i cannot spend even one more second of my life
trying to fix or change anyone else
trying to get anyone else to "see it my way"
my true soul mate is out there
wanting and waiting to co-create with me
and I'm fricking wasting all this time
trying to convince all of these other men
that we have a shared life's purpose together
my complete insanity is finally settling heavy upon me today
i feel stupid today, like a fool
i feel like all of these men must have thought i was crazy
and i guess i was
i must have looked that way to them

but to the right man
that is ready to co-create
I'm going to be like a dream
just like they will be to me
an incredible, radical dream
imagine the love!
imagine the peace and joy that will exist in a shared experience!
imagine what we will be able to create together with our shared energies
and i know the feeling
because Bruce and i had it at times
there were fleeting glimpses of that surrender
that utter settling into the full experience of being One together

and today I'm starting to fully realize
that this is a movement
this is an energy that is starting to build itself on our planet
but there is this spark inside each one of us
that needs to get ignited
and if it's not ignited, it cannot burn wild
and in order to co-create we need to burn wild and free
we cannot be constricted, held back or scared
we must be willing to jump in
to let go of everything we have ever thought mattered
every single thing that has kept us from living our highest potential
our soul's purpose
how many of us are ready for this?
and how many of us are willing to no longer just say it, but actually live it?

that this spark exists i have no doubt
but who of us are willing to ignite it?
who of us are willing to surrender all and burn ablaze for love?
put down our masks. lay aside our weapons, and drop to the ground our fears
is this then why i am wasting so much tIme trying to change men
because it is actually I that is too scared to live with my heart ablaze?
as long as i am working on them
i will always have the excuse to settle for not living my own life's purpose

i read a post today by "what evolved women want"
it said:
a conscious man grows
more trustworthy
more interesting
more attractive
more sexy
more irresistible
the deeper you go

this gave me chills
it's the truth
this is my new marker for my man
this is how i will know he is the one
amazing sex will only get better, it will not slow down or fade away
afternoon trysts will not leave us, but expand to day long trysts
morning quickies will not leave us, but expand to well into the afternoon
late night romps will not leave us, but expand to all through the night
and "the work"
the work of pushing each other to greater heights
may continue to scare us!  may continue to be the hardest things we've ever done!
but we will never walk away from it
we will never back down
and we will always find the Divine in one another
and allow the Shadow to walk away
He or She is no longer needed here
their purpose complete
and the time to move beyond fear and limitations
now here, with us, right now

Day 11 Juice Cleanse: Doubts

cancelling on the retreat centre in Puerto Escondido last night
was super hard for me to do
it would have been so much easier to just go anyway
fill in my time somewhere for another warm tropical winter
i mean, i've done it a hundred times before
filled in my time
but it is just simply no longer possible for me
looking back on my life, it seems like that is what I've been doing for most of it
ignoring instinct, suppressing intuition, pushing away my soul's purpose
protecting my wounds at all cost
continuing to manifest relationships that would teach me my lesson
but being completely unwilling to confront my wound straight on
so continually perpetuating the experience
over and over and over again

i SO didn't want to be wrong on this one
i SO wanted all of the men that I've been with to be wrong instead
that would have been so much easier and so much safer
but none of this had anything to do with them
they just filled their roles (probably quite unwillingly many times)
and i spent half of a lifetime resisting the lesson

every single thing that i have ever wanted in a man
is what i am looking for in myself
and by making myself right, and men wrong
i refused to let the masculine shift
the very shift that i am dreaming of and waiting for
to allow all men to rise above detachment, aggression and closed hearts
i myself am the barrier
by holding in my own thoughts of who i believe them to be
and replaying it out over and over and over again
i have kept them in their holding pattern

in order for them to shift
i have to shift first
I have to believe they are different
I have to believe they are committed, loving, loyal, kind and heart open
I must believe they are trustable and capable of loving relationships
i must radically forgive every single one of them

the thought of surrendering all of my judgments of men
leaves me feeling nauseous
to trust a man
almost doesn't even seem possible
I've held on so tightly, for so long
to their complete lack of purity, trustability and morality
and yet I'm so close
i feel it only an arms length away from me
the life i have always wanted
co-creating a family with a loving, nurturing, attentive man
i thought he didn't exist
and now i realize
the woman i needed to be
was actually the one that didn't exist

my cleansing reactions to the DE have subsided somewhat today
although I'm still tired, nauseous and lying mostly in bed between work
but i am not in complete and utter discomfort anymore
I'm also struggling with feelings of being lazy today
not "accomplishing" anything, not being "productive"
I'm spending so much time in my room, relaxing, healing
it is at times hard to remember that this is the work i am here to do right now
the conditions i have gotten my body into
now demand i pay the price, and put in the time for a full healing to occur

the more i lay low and relax
the better able my body is to do the work it needs to do right now
the more energy i expend on other things, the less time my body has to heal itself
today it is hard to envision i have 29 more days left of this
today it almost feels like an impossible goal
and yet i know there is no escaping myself this time

we had watermelon juice today!
how incredible
it is for sure my favourite juice
Estelle is feeling super tentative about the cleanse today
and may even be stopping it altogether
she has a lot coming up for her
and is right now dealing with her mind telling her
that the cleanse is actually all wrong for her body
she feels healthy and strong so has lost her desire to continue
we made a pact before the start though
that anyone that wanted to quit, had to give 24 hours notice first
and we would all support that person with discussion before they started eating
so we will see how she is doing in the morning
i have a feeling she is going to see that her mind is playing tricks on her
and pull through to continue

my commitment to this cleanse is somewhat low tonight as well
in some ways it doesn't even feel possible anymore
and I'm bored out of my mind
i so know this is my mind playing games on me
i want to numb out somehow
and food would usually be my first go-to
i don't have the energy to go out walking
yet i SO miss my daily walk
tones of people juice cleanse and carry on with a normal life
but I'm detoxing this huge lump in my abdomen
and my stomach is really swollen
between the 2 large doses of DE each day
the 2700 mg of wormwood
and the 2000 mg of black walnut tincture (5 ml)
my body is really in  a state of necessary downtime

in only 11 days I'm already tired of anything netflix has to offer
i can't find one book I'm interested in reading
and I'm too tired to be active
so i sit with myself
and no wonder this is so impossible for so many people
because right now it seems nearly impossible for me as well
and I've done at least 10 cleanses
and I've been sitting with myself for 6 years
go figure

it feels like if only i could even have one bite of food i would feel better
i know this is my body detoxing my prior food addictions at the emotional level
I've dealt with them before in previous cleanses
but i know i go a little deeper each time i do this
i know the food will give me absolutely no satisfaction in the end
and that is what i am letting go of this time around
moving through the idea that food can provide any kind of comfort for me whatsoever
and that really, ANYTHING outside of myself
can provide me any kind of comfort whatsoever

i got some massive clarity around my soul's purpose today
i mean, besides helping to heal the Earth
it is this wound
i came here to heal this wound of the masculine within myself
and once I'm done this then i can move onto helping the Earth
this makes sense, this makes sense why i haven't done as much for the Earth
as i would have hoped by now
because my wound is the priority
i cannot heal the Earth until i am fully healed and whole myself
wow
what a revelation
it further inspires me to let go of this toxic residue towards men NOW
i am now positive that my next relationship will be the one where my final healing work is done
where i am able to fully be my authentic self with a loving, caring healed man
and then the two of us will join together, and co-create the new vision for Earth

Day 6 Juice Cleanse: Mutual Surrender

i slept for 6 hours straight last night
did that ever feel wonderful!
i also had this amazing dream
where i found on my computer
this whole mess of love letters from Bruce
and they explained his thoughts and feelings and ideas
and they told me of his love, and how full and rich it was for me
and these whole past few months i had been begging him for exactly this
to open up to me, share with me, dream with me
and it was this most incredible feeling of joy
like i DID matter, like he DID love me, like he DID want a life with me
and in my dream i realized
that we simply just don't communicate in the same way
i am waiting for something he cannot seem to give me
and he is waiting for something i cannot seem to give him
the computer seemed to represent this merging of us into one
creating a new space where we could finally understand one another
where we could finally receive what the other was offering
it was a true opening of the masculine and feminine to each other
and it could be awesomely beautiful if we didn't fight one another on it so much

last night i watched a video on the differences between men and women
and how we have literally been designed differently from one another
with a higher purpose in mind
so that when the two of us come together we make a whole
not two of the same, but one whole complete unit
and how this fuels our search for love, this joining of two to make a whole
this reminded me of what I've learned about men over the years
how they really do need to get things done
they need a purpose, a goal, a vision
without this, they are directionless and lost, seeking but not doing
never feeling fulfilled on any level
i think about how many men i know who actually have a claimed purpose
a spoken out loud vision
and there are so few
and the ones that do have one, they do seem different
they seem to have more direction in life, a more solid footing
with healthier and more intimate relationships
and then i think about me
and how what i yearn for is this very man
actually living his purpose
not dreaming of it, but living it
(because if a man is still dreaming of it, there is surely a reason!
there is a block, a barrier, and that barrier will be what comes between us as well)
a purpose that i can join in and co-create with, support him, help him do the work
love, embrace, and tenderly care for this vision with him
it's not at all that i don't have or want my own purpose too
but literally my heart is yearning to co-create with the masculine essence, and that co-creation IS my highest purpose!
and now this makes sense to me, how i couldn't understand Bruce, and how he couldn't seem to understand me
we continually seemed to be missing the mark with one another
we would try and try and try, but in the end, there seemed to be no way around this massive chasm between us
eventually the trying just became too much, and the pain just too great

i don't think Bruce ever really understood this part of me
this desire to co create with him, this yearning to be on "his team"
for one, he felt pressure that he now needed to start living out his life's purpose
i mean, if I'm going to get on board, then he's got to actually start doing it!
and if i am going to join him, then he must also "succeed"! right?
failure is no longer an option when you've got others counting on you
this alone i now see must have completely paralyzed him in his tracks

secondly, in a modern more traditional world, women are supposed to be doing "their" own thing, while men do "their" own thing
this is the independent, autonomous, safe way to play
if anything goes wrong, you both have a cushion to fall back on, you both have a life that exists without the other person
when the shit inevitably hits the fan, you are both going to be fine, right?
no one is "counting" on you, you have no one to answer to, no one to support
no other life to be accountable for but your own
but what happens if you fully surrender to the another?
what happens when you fully trust the other?
what happens if you have no safety cushions or security blankets to fall back on?
to me this is where the deep work begins
to me this is where true authentic co creation begins
and yet to a man, this must seem like complete and utter terror
like they truly are standing at the edge of a real and literal precipice
and to jump off will certainly mean their immediate death
basically, i was asking him to kill himself
i think i get it now

and thirdly, to name your purpose means you have to KNOW it!
it means you have to claim it, give words to it, give life to it
which also means everything else must go
all of the old comfortable places that energy went to must fall by the way side
this looks an awful lot like "giving up" all those things one used to love doing
but when the time in life comes to claim one's life purpose
the truth is that all those other things by default
are no longer offering the same satisfaction that they once did
they are done now more out of avoidance of purpose than anything else
and maybe there is still some enjoyment left in them, for sure
but the pain of being off purpose is much greater than any pleasure they now give
it also doesn't mean you won't ever do those things again
but the point is the surrender
the point is that one MAY never do any of those things again, and that has to be ok

i remember in my dream, i started reading all of the love letters - they had been written throughout our whole time together
they explained so many things that i had never understood
there were so many words that had never been spoken
and i couldn't figure out why he hadn't told me about them, why i had to just randomly find them like that
when analyzing the dream, i believe this may have meant that Bruce felt he had never really had a voice with me
he had never really felt heard, or safe enough to share himself with me
yet he was yearning for me to understand him, hear him and know him
he did want me to know his deepest self
but to share it with me face to face was too intimate, too close, too scary, too vulnerable
whether that was his stuff or my stuff, i don't know
but i do know it IS up to me to create a safe enough space for the masculine to flourish, open, actualize and evolve
i am realizing today the deep fear Bruce had of this opening to the feminine
how it angered me, when i should have softened
how it frustrated me, when i should have found in myself even greater depths of compassion

Estelle shared with me today how incredibly clear she is feeling on this cleanse
so far she is having little to no actual detox symptoms, her hunger is non existent, and she is feeling deep levels of peace, calm, certainty and connection
for the first time on a long cleanse, she is entering a deep state of "being" instead of "doing"
she is content to stay home and process what comes up, instead of going out and about, keeping busy, ultimately sacrificing the deeper truths that a cleanse will bring when fully allowed to come to the surface

the weather here in alberta was gorgeous today, and we got to lie outside in the sun
we also walked the dogs for an hour and a half, a nice slow leisurely pace
i feel so blessed for a return to summer once more before the alberta cold kicks in

i am so grateful for a safe landing here at Cabine to process a broken heart
clear away the painful memories
become accountable instead of placing blame
uncover the truth instead of living in the comfort of old stories
process grief and sadness until i can come out the other side
let go of resentment and return to compassion
for myself and for all others
return to the space of love
that is truly my most natural and authentic state
but seems so easily obscured by the world
and by my very own self

Day 5 Cleanse: Thoughts on: Co-Creation

i'm feeling super hungry today, tired and even a little nauseous
whenever i walk around i get lightheaded and woozy
my thoughts are slowing down, and i am becoming less active on all levels
i did however have the mental and spiritual fortitude for an epiphany during our council session earlier today
it started with me sharing with Estelle and Dani my deep desire for constant connection with my partner, no more checking out, no more walking away, no more needing to hibernate in a cave while we are triggered
my desire to stand tall and true, not back away, no need to detach, no need to avert or avoid
incredibly, they told me that they were simply not looking for the same thing....
they fully respected their partners need to detach, specifically because they felt they too needed to detach at times
this floored me
really?
i mean, i thought all of us were at least yearning for this deep continual connection with another
but we aren't!
i think about Bruce now, and i realize this rings true
he used to get so confused by my wanting to connect
he would often space out somewhere, seemingly disconnect from me, and i would try to bring him back to me
often for days on end, he would be absorbed in work, or concerns, or fears, and i would feel i had lost him somewhere
sometimes this would create frustration and anger within me, as i so wanted to stay in that space of deep connection with him
even if we aren't physically together, my intuition tells me there are ways we can keep our level of intimacy just as high, even when we are apart
I've heard this referred to as ethereal connection, and it can often be an even stronger connection than when physically together
this desire of mine to connect often seemed to frustrate him, and at the least, he clearly didn't understand it or want to be a part of it
this realization is quite massive, because i can now see how I've scared off so many men with this deep yearning of mine
i need more time to explore it, but my initial feelings are that it comes from a purely authentic place
i don't "need" a man, i feel whole and complete without one, i love myself as i am, but there is a deep part of me that is ready to let go of the old paradigm traditional relationship and shift into the new
i listened to a talk on co-creation last week by Barbara Hubbard, and the whole time i was thinking to myself, yes! yes! this is it, this is what I'm yearning for!
i thought i might share with you the notes i took on it, it was so powerful for me.  and i now realize that what i am yearning for DOES exist in the world, and it is up to me to find a partner with the same vision, before i ever enter into relationship again.
for my trying to convince HIM that he too is a co-creator is painful for him, and so incredibly painful for me as well.
here are my notes:

true joy is finding our life's purpose
we absolutely must find our true vocation
it is our reason for being here
there is no other way to live and find true joy
part of our life's purpose is to co-create
it is a flame of light that attracts us to a potential that has not yet been realized
the unique creativity within ourselves, when joined with another, becomes extremely turned on: this is vocational arousal and the fusion of genius
when we join by divine impulse to higher consciousness and greater love, with others similar to us, we open deeply to the other, the genius is fused and becomes a new evolutionary form.
we transition from sex to suprasex
desire moves from only reproduction and into co-creation
the co-creator is activated to give birth to authentic essence to the feminine
this is a new archetype
she is passionately animated to give her gift through unconditional love
the transition is from the traditional model of living to this new archetype of living
it is a joining of geniuses to express life's purpose.
joining resonance with another to create at incredibly high levels of consciousness and awareness
the feminine co creator is paving the way for a less independent, less dominant, less masculine based world
her love for the masculine co-creator is limitless, she is fully yearning for him to realize his full potential.
it is to give birth to an element of ourselves that has never been birthed before.
we say "yes", and in doing so, we give birth to this feminine archetype
we go beyond aging when we do our highest calling
we get emotionally, spiritually and physically sick by not living our purpose
through co-creation, soon we start to do only what it is we are here to do, nothing else
this takes deep inner asking, meditation, and the question:  what is emerging as our next step in life?
it is our own inner script
it reveals to us our own inner creative expression
there is no more of asserting our own will, it is the quality of joining together
it is moving from protest to creating the world we want to live in
with co-creating we move away from what we are against to what we are "for"
the gift of the masculine is to create form
when he is in touch with his own essence, he needs to completely cultivate this, find his inner growth strength, which will affirm his own essence.
when a woman loves and admires him for his essence, and not his power and success, he can grow and flourish exponentially
we have to evolve.  when we stay the same, we have to fight it, for evolution is constant and unavoidable.  we constantly live in an internal war when we resist our own evolution.
there is a shift that men have to make in order to enter co creation
they must move from power and dominance into a much softer way of being.  not any less powerful, but with less of a need for power.
when a man and woman co-create together, they enter a realm of love that is so deep it is something completely new
our feeling of fulfillment of one another, is to help each other feel ever stronger by supporting one another
the dominator culture comes in handy for the men, because of the isolation they experienced, it created a strength that can remain once the dominator mentality drops away.
woman do not have this, this is one gift the masculine has, that he can work with, and turn it around, and use to his advantage in this shift in consciousness.
the co creator movement is an emergence of the divine
we are moving from independence to pods, groups of two or more people deeply attracted to a shared purpose.
the essential self of each person becomes aroused to express itself perfectly
we cannot reveal ourselves all alone
we touch one another and stimulate each other's genius
we heal one another in this dynamic
we surround ourselves with a pool of light, like a membrane
we join to a degree that we become one another, our DNA links, it is a shared experience
this is already present in us, but most of us are not heart open enough to experience this
we must soften, open and extend our boundaries to the other, which naturally opens us up to the divine, and to all others
this is giving birth to the next stage of ourselves
we are accessing a whole different level of our being
the Christ-essence is born not as an individual, but as a co-creator
it is an adventure to the further recesses of our selves
we access an experiential vibration of the field of the feminine through co creation
we become infused with the masculine and the feminine, and all other higher beings:  Christ, Buddha, Sophia, along with our own highest selves.
this creates a dynamic of a sacramental lightning rod from us to the Divine
co creation opens up a bridge between sky and earth
with the ripe conditions, there is a fusion of the higher energy and our own energy.  it ignites and new levels of consciousness are born in co creative action
the old conditioning at first will continue to arise, but when push comes to shove, we must always choose to step back in to the new.
we must let go of the old consciousness - we do this by always putting our highest purpose first.
we have to make an inner decision to LIVE our creative higher purpose.
we make a vow to our universal self, this means when we get off track that vow always points the way back home.
we must know our purpose.
take one deep breath, and put our attention back on the track of feeling in resonance.
being in resonance eventually becomes natural, a place we must stay within.
we can no longer feel dissonance.  this is a practice, like an athlete needs to practice.
dissonances arises when we lose our purpose, our true path.
meditation, and sitting with the self, gets us there.
it stabilizes our higher frequency.
we need to stay in our highest self in order to be able to co create
we meditate in our highest state, and we grow accustomed to this state.
soon we can no longer live any other way
we form a pod of two or more, that share our life purpose, the direction we are headed in, someone that turns us on, and we work together.
we join forces and commit to one another as a pod unit
we assist one another in keeping to our highest potential
it is a constant unending practice of working together
it is the attempt to normalize the miraculous
it is the evolution of sex to surprasex
which is sex at a higher dimension, it is different, it is new, it is unlike anything we have yet known in the traditional world
it is the drive to join genius together
co-creation invokes the inter-being between us, there is no more separation
we begin to "undevelop" ourselves, all of our old patterns
so much is liberated from within ourselves
our intimate love co-creative relationships are at the core of living our highest purpose
our highest purpose will always be an evolution, we do not need to know the end result to start moving towards it.
everything is evolving, nothing is stagnant, every morning we wake up a more evolved person.
we must shift out of the old paradigm and into the new, we must take steps towards our purpose and highest potential.
anything else is our death.

Day 4: "i miss you" poem

i miss you.....

i miss you
already
only moments
since you left
i miss you
like a tiny baby deer
watching it's father leave their nest
for the very first time
knowing he will return, and soon, but not exactly when
feeling this new solitude and aloneness
like a jacket she doesn't want to wear, but will
he gently zippers up the coat, tight against her small body
so gently
so as not to wake her up from the slumber
the sleep of the sleeper
feeling the walker move into the dreamtime
knowing he will return with berries and roots and shoots
information
of the other world
everything just for her
trusting the wait is only the present moment, not the future
hunkering down deep into their nest
every muscle ready for the first sign of his return
a crunched branch, a crackled leaf
a breath of new wind moving through
his familiar voice quietly filling up the space
but now
watching him don his identity, a wrap of armour
a shroud of protection to keep him safe along the way
a layer of protection from the lions and the wolves
but now
she doesn't recognize him anymore
but she is ok, she knows
the truth
the certainty
for surely
he will shed it all
before he once again returns
their den is safe
isn't it?

Day 2 - 40 day Juice Cleanse

wow, day 1 is over!
it always seems to be the hardest for me
wrapping my head around not eating for such a long period of time
seems so daunting and quite unattainable at first

this time feels so different though
i feel incredibly strong and sure of myself
so focused on my path to emotional, spiritual and physical healing

Dani and Estelle are the two other women cleansing with me
and they feel so strong and sure as well
this is super helpful
to cleanse in a community of strong warriors
Estelle even has a Chinese food dinner she needs to attend part way through the cleanse
and even though it seems a little scary and uncertain for her
she has decided she is not going to break the cleanse that night
in the past we have broken cleanses for this exact reason
special nights that need to be enjoyed
we have all done this at one time or another
and the reasons seem to make so much sense at the time

this cleanse is different though
all three of us feel it
we are committed to the journey together
we have committed to being warriors together
we have committed to no more excuses, no more illusions, no mare barriers

we had a long meeting of the minds on it this morning
on when to be a warrior and when to be gentle with ourselves
and we all agreed this is the time to rise up to the challenge
there will be other times in life when gentleness is called for
but not right now
this isn't the time
we are all ready for a shift
a movement out of old limiting patterns and beliefs

we have also agreed not take even one bite of fruit over the forty days
this is new as well
in the past, when feeling like I'm going to lose it, I've allowed myself a few slices of oranges, or a few small bites of an apple
this has been a crutch I've leaned on to make it through long fasts
and so have the others here with me
all three of us have agreed it is time to move past this
there are no more crutches this time

all three of us are ready to discover and uncover our highest selves
live authentically in our own truth
discover our purpose for being here
and fully live that purpose
in every moment

i didn't feel sad today over the loss of my lover
there were moments of confusion for sure
where i wasn't sure that i had done the right thing
berating myself for once again walking away from a potential partnership
but each time when i sat with myself
i came back to my truth:
i am ready to give my partner all of me
and in return i ask for all of him
that takes complete trust
and I'm fully ready for that journey with another

if anything i feel excited
I'm so ready to let go
be free
live my life in a state of joy
and if this means i do it alone
then so be it
because i can only imagine
evolved conscious relationships are hard enough
when both people are completely on board
much less when one of them is holding pieces of themselves back
due to fear, scarcity, lack, doubt, confusion, distrust, and on and on and on.....

and so as i shift myself, i move into a new energy field
i now start attracting different men
i now start being attracted myself to different men
i no longer have to change anyone but myself
i feel like I've gone on a permanent life vacation!

imagine co-creating a life with a man that actually authentically
YEARNS with every bit of his being to co-create a life with me as well
i can barely even conjure this up inside of me!
I've never even come close to attracting this kind of energy into my life
and this whole time I've thought there were just no evolved men left
they were all either in partnership, celibate or too remote to find
well, there are!
they are out there
it is only me that has to shift
and i feel it happening ready
i feel my energy aligning with Source
i feel the support of Source lifting me up
taking me to the wondrous places
i had never even imagined i could go to