It's no longer just my imagination.
I am having trouble elucidating the most basic of Spanish sentences....
What is happening.... ? I mean, I am studying, studying, studying. I am 100% in.
I am treating my studies like I am hiking the mile 2700 Pacific Crest Trail.
(I have now decided that everything in life is actually a "thru-hike.")
My inspiration: Carrot Quinn's Thru-hike of the Pacific Crest Trail
(Seriously - Read it!)30 miles a day - no compromise
Just keep going
There is no one but me to bail me out
I am my own keeper
Every step is a new choice to keep going
There is no going back
There is only the present moment
There is nothing else "to do"
Take short breaks - too long, and I lose focus
There is a reason for this, even when I can't see it
Trust the process
Don't go too fast, and don't wear myself out
Slow and steady
I am safe
More Info: Pacific Crest Trail - Home
The hikers that attempt to complete the (Pacific Crest) trail in one year are called thru-hikers. At present about 200 people attempt to hike the PCT each season, generally hiking from south to north. They usually start at the Mexican border in April and end on the Canadian border in September.
So - where am I going wrong?
That's when it hit me.
I am in my Spanish version of a healing crisis.
My past limitations are being burned away, and the ashes are cementing me into my new future.
Things have to get worse before they get better - there is no other way to get to the other side.
It is literally the same as every other practice I have integrated into my life.
Meditation: At first I could meditate for hours - what fun it was! What beauty - to "escape" from life for hours and hours out of my day.....
Then it was 30 minutes, and I was all fidgety. Oh no, I am missing out on my life.
I must live. my. life.
Then it was 20 minutes, until finally - it was literally like I couldn't sit still for more than 2 minutes.
Then - it got worse. I didn't even want to meditate anymore. I mean, where was it even getting me?
Nowhere - literally nothing was getting done while I sat there doing nothing.
Keep. Going.
THEN - breakthrough.
All of a sudden I got it: Oh. I am: Doing. Nothing.
A new, deeper choice was made - and suddenly, I could sit for as long as I wanted, for as many times a day as I wanted.
Yoga - same thing: A two-hour practice was FUN when I first started. What fun to work so so hard!
And then: slowly, slowly, not as much fun. Eventually: getting out of the house and to a class was a monumental feat of endurance.
Keep. Going.
THEN - breakthrough. A new level of commitment. All of a sudden, waking up at 5:30 and taking a 2-hour class with Rameen was just another part of the day.... a 30-day yoga teacher training was normal and no longer extraordinary.
Snowboarding was the same, as was white water kayaking - changing my eating habits, the work on healing my body. And when I quit social (and not so social) drinking. Quitting smoking. It has all literally been: The. Same. Practice.
So - is there even anything in existence left that is not teaching me to live in the present moment?
There is this precise moment where I have to choose: either I step into a new future, or I retreat back into a comfortable past.
So, this is the reality: right now I am in the fire.
I am in that place where new choices and deeper commitments have got to be made.
I am OK with the fire. I am comfortable with the fire. The fire and I are very well acquainted. It's just - you know - I didn't know studying Spanish was also part of the fire.
But - really - of course it is.
Of course it is part of the fire. Everything is the fire when I let it be.
