My Spanish is slowly..... getting worse???

It's true.

It's no longer just my imagination.

I am having trouble elucidating the most basic of Spanish sentences....

What is happening.... ?  I mean, I am studying, studying, studying.  I am 100% in.  

I am treating my studies like I am hiking the  mile 2700 Pacific Crest Trail.

(I have now decided that everything in life is actually a "thru-hike.")

My inspiration:  Carrot Quinn's Thru-hike of the Pacific Crest Trail

(Seriously - Read it!)

30 miles a day - no compromise
Just keep going
There is no one but me to bail me out
I am my own keeper
Every step is a new choice to keep going
There is no going back
There is only the present moment
There is nothing else "to do"
Take short breaks - too long, and I lose focus
There is a reason for this, even when I can't see it
Trust the process
Don't go too fast, and don't wear myself out
Slow and steady
I am safe

More Info:  Pacific Crest Trail - Home
The hikers that attempt to complete the (Pacific Crest) trail in one year are called thru-hikers. At present about 200 people attempt to hike the PCT each season, generally hiking from south to north. They usually start at the Mexican border in April and end on the Canadian border in September.

So - where am I going wrong?

That's when it hit me.

I am in my Spanish version of a healing crisis.

My past limitations are being burned away, and the ashes are cementing me into my new future.  

Things have to get worse before they get better - there is no other way to get to the other side.

It is literally the same as every other practice I have integrated into my life.

Meditation:  At first I could meditate for hours - what fun it was!  What beauty - to "escape" from life for hours and hours out of my day.....

Then it was 30 minutes, and I was all fidgety.  Oh no, I am missing out on my life.
I must live. my. life.

Then it was 20 minutes, until finally - it was literally like I couldn't sit still for more than 2 minutes.

Then - it got worse.  I didn't even want to meditate anymore.  I mean, where was it even getting me?

Nowhere - literally nothing was getting done while I sat there doing nothing.

Keep.  Going.

THEN - breakthrough.

All of a sudden I got it:  Oh.  I am:  Doing. Nothing.

A new, deeper choice was made - and suddenly, I could sit for as long as I wanted, for as many times a day as I wanted.

Yoga - same thing:  A two-hour practice was FUN when I first started.  What fun to work so so hard!

And then:  slowly, slowly, not as much fun.  Eventually:  getting out of the house and to a class was a monumental feat of endurance.

Keep.  Going.

THEN - breakthrough.  A new level of commitment.  All of a sudden, waking up at 5:30 and taking a 2-hour class with Rameen was just another part of the day....  a 30-day yoga teacher training was normal and no longer extraordinary.

Snowboarding was the same, as was white water kayaking - changing my eating habits, the work on healing my body.  And when I quit social (and not so social) drinking.   Quitting smoking.  It has all literally been: The. Same. Practice.  

So - is there even anything in existence left that is not teaching me to live in the present moment?

There is this precise moment where I have to choose:  either I step into a new future, or I retreat back into a comfortable past.

So, this is the reality:  right now I am in the fire.  

I am in that place where new choices and deeper commitments have got to be made.

I am OK with the fire.  I am comfortable with the fire.  The fire and I are very well acquainted.  It's just - you know - I didn't know studying Spanish was also part of the fire.

But - really - of course it is.

Of course it is part of the fire.  Everything is the fire when I let it be.

Poem: "i want to know this Loneliness"

i want to know
this loneliness
i want to touch it
feel it
experience it
claim it
so i no longer run away.
where does it hide
when i pretend it isn't there
somewhere deep inside of me
wreaking havoc
creating hurricanes
causing wars
destroying my fragile peace.
i've known the love
of a friend
a sister
a father
a mother
a lover
another lover
and yet another
and still
this loneliness sits
right here
deep inside of me
screaming out to the night
fill me
hold me
spare me
ruin me
please
just notice me
i want to be seen
fully
by someone other than me
and not just anyone
but a man
i want him to see me
know me
experience me
love me
hate me
and still come back for more.
and yet
i have lain beside a man
and another
and another
feeling more alone
than ever before.
so his mere presence
is not the answer
nor his beating heart
his lips
his hands
or his words.
but to see me
right though my skin
through the veins
the blood
and the guts
through the meat
the bones
and the sinew
for his gaze
to penetrate beyond all that
and to find God
on the other side of me
and in me
beside me
around me
and through me
that is what this void is.
this pain
this emptiness
this longing
this unfillable cavity in my heart
that waits and waits and waits
unwilling to settle
for anything less than utter chaos
complete ruin
absolute disaster
the jumping off of a cliff
into the void of sheer nothingness.
and even then when I've found you
even then
this loneliness
will still be here
this cavity
will still be here
and there will be times
when it will be nearly full
and i will think, what wonder!
and there will be times
when it will be nearly empty
and i will think, tonight
surely tonight
is the night i will die......
save me
love me
hold me
fix me
but you can do none of it
i can ask for none of it
no begging
pleading
crying
grasping
pulling
pushing
will bring you any closer
to me.
only you can choose
and i must live with your choice
again
and again
and again
and i must live on
knowing this loneliness
is much of who i am.
knowing
to be seen
by you
this cure
is only a momentary relief
a temporary fix
a fleeting gift
to remind me
that at the core of my self
at the truth of my nature
the essence of my being
i am not that
and i am not this
and i am not there
and i am not here
i am in actuality
the very cavity
i am trying to fill.
of course
i am longing for myself
of course
it's true
but it is also true.....
that i crave you
none the less
for knowing.

I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

I found a nice little - very authentic - restaurant tonight - on this beautiful cobble stone street, that turns into a walking thoroughfare after 8pm...  Everyone is out!  Things are going on.  The world is pulsing…..

They had their "carne" roasting on a spit - I was SO not going to try that.  And then you know what?


I tried it.

I totally tried it.

I looked at the menu for at least 20 minutes - had NO idea what anything was…  (How can I still not be able to read a Mexican menu?)

Finally - I asked the waiter to bring me absolutely whatever he wanted to bring me...

I don't think people do that very often.

I don't think he wants to do that very often.

Turns out - "whatever he wanted" - was most certainly whatever was roasting away on that spit….

Of course it was.    (Pork???)

Nothing on the menu was over 65 Pesos ($5) - excellent.    

There were 4 tables in total - excellent. 

I've been trying to tell myself that eating-in makes way more sense - more economical and definitely healthier - most definitely less cheap vegetable oils….  See them there on the shelf? I had to pretend it wasn't happening, when they got poured over my fillings on the grill.

I have actually developed a new mantra for the $2 Canola oil:

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for such a nice oil - my body loves Canola oil - my body thrives on Canola oil - Thank you, Thank you for the Canola oil.  

But here's the thing - I am in Mexico.  This is my life.  Getting out, eating local food, talking Spanish with the waiter, chatting with the other customers - THOSE are the reasons that I am here.  Eating by myself, tucked into my safe apartment - I can do that for the bulk of my meals.  But I've also got to be doing precisely this:  Experiencing Mexico.

When I got to Taxco - everything was so far away… I was worried that I had rented the wrong apartment, because everywhere I went, it felt like I had to walk three miles...   Everything was in a different direction - I was in a vast vast space of immensity.

One day I even went out to look at a few different apartments, right across the street from CEPE.  Just, ya know, getting a feel for what it would be like to live right by the school.  I stopped myself from proceeding in that direction, by reminding myself, that I am working on "Commitment" - c.o.m.m.i.t.m.e.n.t.  That means I don't move out of my apartment after one week.  Ok.

I told myself, if after 30 days, everything was just too, too far away for me - I would then reconsider my options.  I could do 30 days.

So, each day, I picked one place to go to.  Just go to one place Robyn - you can do this.  You are going to be ok.  You are going to get used to this.  Open your door.  Start walking.

And truly - it did.  It started getting a little bit easier.  A little more familiar.

The first time I walked to UNAM it felt like it had taken me half an hour - and I was pretty much positive there was no way I was going to be able to navigate these steep streets, back and forth to UNAM - every single day…

Then - it got a little easier.

Walking to the Zócalo (main square) used to feel like I was walking into another world.  Now - it feels like I am walking to the corner store.

I walked to UNAM again today - just to get a feel for Monday morning.  It took me 11 minutes!  11 minutes.  I actually took a taxi there one day last week - when I didn't think I could muster up the walk.  Oh brother.

Today - I walked to the Zócalo, the lavandería, the supermarket, UNAM, the hair place (that wasn't open - even though I had an appointment - that was SO Mexico!  Yes, I am in Mexico:)…. and the evening restaurant.

And through all of those walking adventures - that each one used to be a "day-trip" in their own right….  - today?  It was nothing.

Things are becoming normal.  The spaces are becoming real.  The distances are becoming actual.

It's because I am no longer coming from a place of fear, anxiety, nerves, or inadequacy.

I am becoming a part of my surroundings.

The spaces are closing in around me - and nothing is "too much" anymore.

My world is shrinking to something manageable.

I am going to be OK here.

It's all in the way I view it.  What used to feel like "everything is in a different direction!  I can't just walk around and get anything done - it's all over the place...."

Now, I realize - here's the thing:  I am precisely in the centre of everything.  

I am exactly where I am supposed to be.