Water Fast Complete: " where are you" poem

where are you
my love
are you working hard for a cause
probably Mother Earth
because i knew you when
i was just a little girl
you were in my dreams
with hiking boots, binoculars, khaki pants and a plaid shirt
i forget the colour of your hair
but it was messy and wild
just like you
you love the forest, desert, rivers and oceans
gardens and groves, ponds and hills
you are not where many others dare to go
but i dare my love
i dare
i have been wandering and looking
getting lost, over and over
on my way to you
I'm sorry my love
I've taken so long
but it's ok
i know you love Her
Gaia
i know She's held you in Her arms
keeping you safe
loved
nourished
by Her bounty
wild plants
edibles
roots and shoots
seeds and weeds
and besides
you are me
and i am you
and had i never found you
still
we would have been as one
but
i am on my way
i am!
wait for me my love
by that stream you once showed me
remember?
with the wild flowers
and the groves of mangos
i will find you there
and i will nourish you
as She does too

Day 45: "I don't want to close"... poem

i don't want to close

but i do

i have

i will

and i will again

because I'm terrified

i won't be enough

i'll be too much

or worse

somewhere in the middle

which will reek

of ambiguity

passivity

boredom

too many times

before you

he turned his back

and he walked away

and I've got this conditioning

that i can't possibly be

simply enough

as i am

for you

without fixing

healing

changing

rearranging

mending

bending

and so i close

but i don't want to

and that's how I'll know it's you

won't i

you're going to stay

aren't you

uncovering me

layer by layer

peeling 

not probing

pressing closer

always pressing

just a little closer

not pulling

never pulling away

because for you

this is not an arduous task

this is not a frustration

or an inconvenience

but a miracle

a gift

a journey

you came here to complete

uncovering

unearthing

me

waiting your whole life

for you've known 

you've seen

the scars i bare

the cloaks i wear

the shadows i stare

and the darkness i dare

and still

you stumble through the night

to me

steadfast

straight ahead

softly

never hurried

you've known the time i need

your pace is swift

and sure

your movements 

well practiced

a lifetime of steps

to me

knowing

understanding

i don't want to close

but i will

Day 42: poem: "If i knew i was perfect...."

last night was a really hard night for me
for the first time since i started water fasting i couldn't sleep
i tossed and turned all night
this had been my saving grace until now
those 12 hours of reprieve i was receiving come midnight

my tongue is still coated white
and the taste in my mouth is awful, like steel
the only difference i noticed this morning
is that it isn't quite as difficult to stand up
my stomach has however started churning tremendously
this new development isn't extremely comfortable
the nausea is about the same, but maybe not quite as severe
basically what i am trying to say is that the worst MAY be behind me
but I'm not going stake my life on it quite yet

if i knew i was perfect
i would be with you
right now
we've passed each other by
i know we have
i felt you
your jacket brushed my arm
that day
in the health food store
do you remember?
my body froze
my heart stopped
every noise amplified

if i knew i was perfect
we would be together
but my path to you
has been arduous, slow
and wrought with pain
so much
make-belief
pain
and then that time
when you held my body afloat
in the hot springs
for hours and hours and hours
and my skin got burned by the sun
by your gaze
by your fire
but still
i walked away from you

if i knew i was perfect
i would believe you
when you say
i am the only one
i hear the words
but they deflect off my skin
like sparks flying from a welder
all over the place
jagged angles
here and there
you wear your masque
to shield your self
from me

if i knew i was perfect
i would be in your arms
right now
we would be driving down the road
listening to your favourite songs
like that time in colorado
stealing glances at your profile
i loved the way you drove
you had to hunch over
the car was so tiny
and you were so tall
and the road
took too long

if i knew i was perfect
i would believe
we could actually be together
not just dreaming
not just knowing
not just saying
but believing

but the thing is this
the really interesting thing
is this
i am not perfect
and i never will be
and I'm ok with that
and I'm ok
with knowing
that i never will
get to be
with you

in between napping, I've been watching a 1986 movie by Shirley McLean
called "out on a limb"
it chronicles her spiritual journey, and I've so enjoyed it
at the very end of the movie her best friend and spiritual mentor has to leave her
and her lover also abandons her and even pretends he doesn't even know her
and she has this epiphany that her life is truly a life of her own
she is the only person she can truly count or rely on
there is no one else to love her but herself
this is my lesson right now too
finding my self love
finding my strength, my courage, my independence
learning how to live a life where my love is directed out to the entire world
and the love of the entire world is directed back to me
and i no longer rely on the elusiveness of one man for love
or one friend
for these all come and go
but the love of Spirit, God, Universal Love, this is constant
this is the only one thing in my life that i can truly count on
and this still scares me

i keep on having images of being a mother
holding my child, raising my child, schooling my child
i have a husband that is a man of God
and he co-parents with me
we have gardens and animals and land
we live near the ocean where the sun is warm
we swim in the ocean and play in the sand
we serve the Creator and no one else
not ourselves, not money, not success, and not the things of the world
we pray, meditate, read holy books, work the land and keep our bodies strong
we are natural vegans, maybe eating some eggs every now and then
or some raw organic free range cheese if it comes our way
this life puts such a smile on my face!
i know it's only my own fears and limiting beliefs
that have stood between me and this life of my dreams

Day 40 Fast-poem: "i will always want you"

the ceremony last night was breathtaking
we sang a Native American chant to call in our ancestors
shaking rattles under a sky filled brightly with stars
then we smudged one another with sage
and i saw two falling stars right from the start
Estelle and Dani lit the fire and it's warmth was incredible!
i sat with them from 9pm to 1:30am
feeling the warmth on my cheeks and my face
i saw two more falling stars before the night was over
by 1:30am i was so weak i was crying and they had to help me to my bed
but what a night!

i will always want you
all of you
every part and piece and patch of you
i will wake up in the night
and watch you
learning all the quiet details
that don't come out with words
i will let you leave me
and i will let you come back to me
i will cry
and i will lie in bed with my legs tucked
tightly to my chest
but i will not ever stop you
i will respect and honour your body
as if it were my own
massaging you and rubbing you
with all my favourite essential oils
lighting incense while you bathe
feeding you pineapple through the bubbles
and grapes and cherries and blueberries
and all kinds of foods that heal
telling you their vitamins and minerals
and their antioxidant and ORAC
and of their kirlian photography orb
because i care about these kinds of things
and i will visit your parents
whenever i am driving near
or for that matter
whenever i am driving far
i will sit and drink tea with them
and eat dry scones that will make me feel poorly
and i will talk to them of you
and i will teach them of the you you are
and they will teach me of the you you were
and i will take your dog
for long walks through the forest
while you are out doing the other things
that i may not even understand
the need for you to do
and when i come home
i will tell you how the flowers looked
how many frogs we saw
and how many puddles we dared to jump
i will sit with you through the long dark night
trying to understand where we went wrong
staying calm, present, alert
and if i falter
and if i fail
i will close my eyes, and find my way back to you
i will answer the phone when your dearest friends call
and really truly want to get to know them
i will share myself fully
something i am not used to
because they are all pieces of you
and i will wake up early
and take a bowl
and i will fill it with berries and cashews
and coconut and almond butter
i will sprinkle it with superfood sun warrior greens
and mix it all together
and run to the bedroom just to feed it to you
i will make you fresh carrot juice
and raspberry kale smoothies
because i want you to live to be one hundred and twenty
because i am going to live to be one hundred and ten
and I think you are going to be ten years older than me
i will read all the words that you love to put down on paper
not because it makes you happy
even though it does!
but because i want to know you
fully
completely
the parts of you that only come out
when i really take the time to listen and watch
and when you go out by yourself, to play in the mountains
i will take the time to be by myself
remembering what it was like before i met you
the solitude, the longing and the dreaming for you
and when the night comes calling
i will snuggle in with you
my head on your chest
my lips on your ribs
my hands on your hips
my left leg flailed wildly on top of your thighs
and i will remind you, when will be the full moon
and i will remind you, when will be the new moon
and when the sky will be clear
so we can lie out and count stars
i will take you to yoga classes
not because you wouldn't go on your own
but because you just never thought to
and i will let you care for me too
because this is the hardest lesson for me to learn
and i will let you teach me of how to love you
becoming one with you
without losing me, and without losing you
yet fully losing both of us
and i will learn how to access the parts of you
you didn't know were inaccessible
and i will sing you my songs
and i will read you my poetry
because every word
has always been for you


we pulled medicine cards
asking for what our lesson learned was and for what our coming lesson was
i pulled fox for my lesson learned, which means i have learned oneness
i have learned to step out of the shadows and be in the world
but not OF the world, just in the world, finding community and connection
which is so true!
just yesterday i had called my father and my sister
and made plans to spend time with them before i left for mexico
this entailed changing my flight date so i could fit this in
but i was SO called to do this, i did it without even really thinking too much
then i had emailed my nephew and made plans to take him out for dinner
while i was in calgary, which i had never done before
because i had never thought he would want to spend time with me
and my sister had even told me that herself
when i had told her of my plans
but he said yes! and i was so overwhelmed with gratitude for my family
i was crying for much of the day

and my coming lesson was mouse
which means i am to learn how to scrutinize less deeply
how to stop nit picking every single thing in my life
and just enjoy the journey....  ok!
it does sound a lot more free and relaxing :)

I've been sleeping each night from about midnight to noon the next day
and then napping again for some hours in the afternoon
probably 16 hours a day of sleep in total
what a difference from the juice cleanse
where i was sleeping maybe 5 or 6 hours
my body is working so hard for me at repairing itself right now
and i am overwhelmed at this journey
i would have never thought there would be such a difference
between juice and water fasting
but they are like night and day
and yet i can't say it enough
this water fast is like nothing i could have even imagined
it is worse than my greatest fears all lumped together
for anyone contemplating this journey
i would say to them do many, many juice cleanses first
drinking less and less juice each time
before undertaking this extreme of a spiritual, physical and emotional healing

every moment of this fast i fear that i am going to die
and even though i know i won't
it surely feels like i will
i don't even have enough energy to read anymore
i just lie on my bed and nap or contemplate or pray
i don't talk to anyone or even move
i save all of my energy so that once a day
i can prop myself up and write this blog

Day 39 Juice: Seduction of the World Poem

of course
we know the truth
but there will always be
a reason to wait
like the uninvited guest
at the bridesmaids party
unwelcome
uncomfortable
underdressed
but still we stay
and stare
for the sheer beauty
the rounds of her breasts
the swing of her hips
the mystery of her mound
the seduction
the realization
we actually are
never going to leave
fuck
for this is it
the last time here
for all of us
there is never going to be
another chance
it's over
and we knew it
so many of us
came thronging back
nearly eight billion now
we marched the earth
right to destruction
and still we knew
but her scent
was too strong
her lips
too full
she was warm
and wet
dark and deep
earth
soil
oceans
stars
she was too bright
too vast
too sultry
too everything
of that which we longed for
everything we came for
disguised as the truth
and so we take
one step forward
and so we take
ten steps back
like a magnet
even when we look away
and even when we walk away
still
she draws us in to her
i met you
in that brief moment
when you saw her for what she was
but time is fleeting
and truth is effervescent
death is looming
and there are books to be read
money to earned
rivers to be paddled
trails to be walked
and work to be done
i fit into this world
like a mouse
accidentally
shut in the house for the day
a bird
trapped in the rafters
a snake
coiled under the stove
a centipede
found in the shower
confused
bewildered
uncertain
only knowing
there is nowhere else to be
we have only years
maybe only days
and still
we cannot walk away
and still
we cannot see
hope slowly fades
truth becomes a memory
our bodies slowly awaken
to each new day
but our eyes are dull
clouded
we've destroyed our planet
each river
stream
ocean
estuary
there isn't one breath left to take
that is still clean
there isn't one sip left to drink
that is still pure
we've trapped all the animals
chopped down all the trees
poisoned our soil
and still we refuse
to change
and still we refuse
to awaken

Day 38: poem: "this is what i want......"

i want to pick berries with you

out in the middle of nowhere

get lost

spend hours finding our way back home

i want to watch you

endlessly

how did you find me?

although i always suspected

it would happen here

I've returned and returned and returned

waiting for you

i want to bring home

a tub of wild mushrooms

to our little cabin

in the middle of the woods

where you come home to

after long days on the road

i will wait and wait and wait

keeping the house neat

the fire lit

the doggies walked

the chickens fed

the garden watered

i will have dinner ready

your favourite meal

candles lit

incense burned

our bed sheets turned back

i want to fly to you

who knows where

surprise you

i want to believe that you will want to see me

anytime, any place

that your life is more full

with me in it

i want to look at a map

and you point your finger

and that is where we will go to next

i want to trust you

like I've never trusted before

i want to believe in all the stories

I've heard of this kind of love

i want to touch you

any time i want

remind myself you are real

in this body, in this life

i want to look over

and catch you staring

at me

Day 37: Water Fast Commences

i went through another powerful shift last night
i awoke to the realization that i needed to finish my cleanse off with a water fast
we are coming off the cleanse sunday morning at about 8 or 9 am
i had my last soup broth tuesday night at 8pm
i calculated the hours between the two reference points
precisely 108 hours
coincidence?
not a chance

108 is symbolic of completion
it is sacred energy, totality, the Universe, ultimate respect to the Supreme
it is a highly sacred number in Hinduism, Buddhism. Gnosticism, Sacred Geometry, Pathagorism, Ayurvedic, Chinese martial arts, and this is just the start
it is one of the most highly charged numbers in the universe
google the number, and you will find limitless sites explaining it's power
here are some excerpts from my favourite site:  humanityhealing.net

the earth cycle is supposed to be of 2160 years = 20 x 108
the distance between the Earth and Sun is 108 times the diameter of the Sun
the diameter of the Sun is 108 times the diameter of the Earth
the distance between the Earth and Moon is 108 times the diameter of the Moon
the universe is made up of 108 elements according to the ancient texts

there are 9 planets traveling through12 constellations = 108, the whole of existence
there are 108 channels that converge to form our heart chakra
there are 108 defilements or delusions of the mind
there are 108 Upanishads to uncover Truth and destroy Ignorance
there are 108 paths to God
there are 108 chances or lifetimes to eliminate the Ego
there are 108 sun salutations performed in yoga to mark change and completion
there are 108 temptations to overcome in order to find Nirvana
there are 108 virtues in the Jain tradition
there are 108 pressure points in the human body in Ayurvedic tradition

and this is just the start, this is just a sampling
the whole of the Universe can be linked back or forward to get to this number
it is packed with power
this is a power i want to tap into
we already all contain this power, this energy
it's sitting there, waiting for us to claim, connect with, vibrate with
most of us play small
i am so tired of playing small
finding excuses to dumb myself down
people, places, things, opinions, ideas, all of it
that give me a reason to not be the brightest star that i can be
food, men, addictions, disease, emotions, complaining, resentments
blame, frustration, gossip, everything
it all stands between me and my power

i've got 108 hours ahead of me, to reconnect to my Source
i believe it is possible
and if i want to complete my goals for this cleanse
i know i need to take this more seriously
something much more drastic has to be done
I've been coasting along, and getting barely nowhere
i don't know how long this water fast is going to take me
but i do know that today, in this moment
i will make it to sunday morning, 8am
i will make it to 108 hours
and i will tap into this energy
i will align myself with Source, with Spirit
and i will no longer find excuses to prevent me from living my purpose
from living my highest path
from living my highest self

the time is now

i can only say this decision to water fast came to me completely through Spirit
i had absolutely not one hint it was going to happen
or needed to happen
yet now that I'm in it, one day in
now that the decision has been made
i can see now how inevitable it ultimately was
there was no other way but through this door
juice cleansing only stalled the unavoidable
instead of eating i drank juice
it was the same thing, only a little different
the time had to come where i stopped everything
every thing
not one more thing in my mouth
until i am through to the other side

and what exactly is the other side?
freedom

Day 36: The Work

i took my herbs for the second night in a row last night
and i was awake all night very sick
all day today i was cleansing deeply
very nauseous, tired, cramping, bloated
by around 4pm i started coming out of it
and got outside for some sun and a little walk with the dogs

i only had two small juices today
the rest of the time i drank the broth with nori strips soaked in it
also with lots of garlic and spices, like turmeric, fennel, ginger and cloves
this broth is super potent
and I'm going to keep on drinking this for some time
I'm still planning on adding in cabbage and wild mushrooms like shitake
also some other sea vegetables like arame and kombu
starting on sunday when the 40 day cleanse is technically over

we have a plan for breaking the cleanse on sunday
all day saturday we are going to collect fallen wood and create a sacred space
we will start a fire at around 7pm
and we will tend the fire all night long until morning
throughout the saturday evening we will have council around the fire
and share our learnings with one another
sunday morning we will break the fast with berry banana kale smoothies
(except for me. i will probably have some orange juice and then the broth later)

i took the herbs again before bed
praying for sleep, even though knowing it was unlikely
i have nothing on the go whatsoever tomorrow
so i know it's the perfect opportunity to continue this deep cleansing work
it's hard to believe i haven't made more headway in nearly 40 days
and it is taking all of my effort to stay positive with this experience right now
i know this is the practice though
this is just as much "the work" as anything else for me

Day 35: epiphanies on: "the Other world"

i had an epiphany during meditation last night
that this is exactly what i am supposed to be doing right now
this is why there is nothing else left for me to do
because i am meant to find, right now, precisely how to sit with myself
this is where i am to find my comfort within the discomfort

I've been meditating for years
sometimes many hours a day
but it comes and it goes
and when the real discomfort sets in
meditation is not where i turn
i continue to turn to food or men or the internet
meditation has never really healed me
because i use it when i am already "fine"
but when the shit hits the fan, and i don't have any solid ground beneath me
i move through the discomfort in the complete absorption of all of my vices
and THEN i do my meditation
once i feel capable
once i feel up to it
once the worst of the worst has passed me by
and i feel able or willing to once again sit with myself

this is never going to work
it's time for me to find the depth within my practice
it's time for me to find my answers
in the silence
instead of the noise
inside of my being
instead of outside of my being

If i find my joy in walking, what happens if i lose my ability
if i find my joy in a pet, what happens when they eventually pass away
if i find my joy in serving others, what happens when it turns to resentment
if i find my joy in eating, i will continue to overeat
if i find my joy in a man, he may one day leave me
if i find my joy in traveling, the money may one day end

there is an end to every single thing around me
and yet the "me" that is deep within me
that source of infinite joy and love
that is never ending
that is the only true thing that i can count on
i know it's there
i feel it
but i have never fully tapped into it
my energy has always come from outside of me
i finally see that i have never actually fully connected
to the Source within myself
maybe for brief moments here and there
and then i move on, back into the world
and all of it's illusions of security, happiness and fulfillment

it truly is the conundrum of the spiritual life
knowing that we are here to connect with others
knowing that we are here to experience the world and all of life
knowing that everything around us is here for our pleasure and joy
and yet also the deep knowing that none of it is real
if we count on any of it, in any way, to be the source of our experience here
we will only, every time, be fully and completely let down

the source of our experience of joy is Source
and the source of this Source is always and only Source itself
and the way to find Source is through meditation
there are many ways to find glimpses of this joy and happiness:
through a cup of coffee with a friend, a glass of wine with a lover
sharing a meal with a group of incredible friends
but the coffee, the wine, the friends, they are not the Source
and if we continue to get this confused, we will never find peace
we will only look for another glass of wine
another cup of coffee
another plate of food we love and crave so much
and it will never end
we will want more and more and more
because we have not understood the difference
between experiencing Source through our experiences
and finding the true Source within ourselves

Estelle and i did a meditation together this afternoon
and i had a further awakening to these thoughts of mine
i realized that i have used meditation to curb the fluctuations of my mind
i have managed over the years to reign in my wandering thoughts
and focus them with intention and stability onto my Self
this has changed my life, and i have much appreciation for the journey
and gratitude for the peace this has brought to my life
and yet i now see how much further there is for me to go
such a profound level of deepening into the practice awaits me
I've been stalled out, at this resistance to go further
this resistance to move my practice deeper
a paralyzing fear of how this would change my life, where it would take me
the old patterns i would have to step away from
in order to undertake this new odyssey

and yet today the fear is gone
today i feel ready for change
more than ready
i feel capable
i see how i have used all of my vices
to directly keep me away from Source
from experiencing this life and world in direct alignment
with my power, authenticity and truth
today
it no longer feels possible
to spend another day in no-mans land
where i am no longer of this world
yet i am not yet linked to the Other world
it is like being in
purgatory
not quite bad enough for hell
but not quite good enough for heaven

Day 31: Musings on: The Dream ?

holy amazing!
it's late on day 31, and come morning, we have only 9 days left
it feels like time is blazing by
after an incredibly hard last couple of days
where there was no way i could consider continuing on past 40
I'm back to my original goal
which is to make 50 days

the soup broth is really what is saving me
it feels like I'm eating a meal
which in some ways i guess i am
after it simmers for many hours
it thickens up pretty good
and even after straining the vegetables out
it feels and tastes incredibly fortifying and nourishing
it also instinctually feels very cleansing and detoxifying for my body
especially the onions, garlic, celery, ginger and cloves....

I've also been adding turmeric into the broth lately as well
and i think from day 40-50 i might start adding in cabbage
right now though, i don't think Dani and Estelle would appreciate it too much!
i also want to add in nori sheets, for detoxing my liver
the high amounts of iodine in nori support our thyroid
i think adding in dried shitakis would be amazing too
shitakis are high in copper, selenium, iron, b2 and b5
they also have a compound in them called lentinan
that is believed to prevent and even stop tumour growths....
they are another super food!

one day, when i am living in our food forest
with my lover, partner and co-creator:)
i would like to practice growing mushrooms on hardwood logs
when i took my first permaculture course
i learned a bit about this
there are some incredible ideas out there
and beautiful pictures
of people organizing these gorgeous eco-systems for mushrooms
creating a mini-hardwood forest of their own
with ponds and old growth built right into their forest
covering the ceilings of these mini eco-forests with vines and foliage
and harvesting their mushrooms right from their own back yard
i would love to create a huge system of this
and then dry and sell them as a way to support our land

i would also love to have bees
and goats and chickens and horses
and dogs and cats and rabbits....
but i digress:)
back to my soup recipe:

2 large onions
4 inches of ginger
6 stalks of celery
1 large zucchini
2 potato
2 sweet potato
1/2 head of purple cabbage
2 beets
8 medium carrots
1 whole bunch parsley
8 bay leaves
1 tsp turmeric
10 cloves
10 pepper corns
2 tbs Bragg's (a tiny bit of sodium helps draw out nutrients from the vegetables)
1 tbs each of rosemary, thyme and oregano

chop everything up very small and simmer on low for 2-3 hours
add in 5 stems of shredded kale one half hour before soup is done
add in 10 nori sheets, 20 shitaki mushrooms and 10 cloves of garlic
shut off burner once you have added in the final three ingredients

enjoy!!!!

throughout my lifetime i have had dreams of creating an organic vin-yard
lately my mind can't seem to get off of this idea
it is eating away at my consciousness!
so i thought i would share with you the ultimate dream for this lifetime:

i would like 80 acres of land with old growth forest, a river, and a stream
some of the forest can have been clear cut earlier
I'm ok with working to preserve what we have moving forward
but at least some old growth is important, as we need to help keep safe
the little bits of this eco-system that we still have left standing
for the future health of our planet, our people and our wildlife

i would like either a Cobb house or a tiny house made with local wood
for my partner and i to live in
at least four other cabins on the property for guests to stay in
it is important that people can come and stay with is
to see the creations on the land, so that their consciousness can shift as well
there should be at least a few acres of cleared land
for growing grapes and organic gardens

there should already be plenty of wild berries growing on the land
but we should immediately plant a LOT more
so that guests staying with us can pick and eat berries at their leisure
as this property will be in canada, we need to have greenhouses
so we can grow some foods all winter long
and other vegetables we can start in the greenhouse come april each spring

we will plant hardy fruit trees everywhere
and pine-nut, black walnut, hazelnut and almond trees
sunflower and pumpkin should be planted each year for harvesting their seeds
wild rice and hemp should be planted as well for their proteins and nutrients
and they grow easily in Canada as well
plenty of dandelion and other green "weeds" should be harvested each spring
and maybe dehydrated for use in dressings and soups throughout the year

i would like to operate a small cafe on site
where we could offer gourmet raw vegan dishes
paired with organic wines and seasonal garden vegetables
using free range eggs from our chickens
wild berries picked from the land
mushrooms harvested from our mini hardwood eco-system
and fruit picked from our trees
we would be open saturday snd sunday for afternoon brunches
with outdoor seating on wooden patios
covered with vines and overhanging trees
flower pots everywhere and shaded terraces for privacy
and maybe friday nights too for a 4-course gourmet evening dinner

i would love for there to be a few private secluded camp sights
set up right on the land
for guests to come and stay in a true nature experience
i would sell food from the garden to the guests for a fair price
so we would all benefit from the experience of the bounty from the land

and that is my dream!
thank you for reading
:)

Day 30: Full Moon

today was finally a whole bunch better than the past few days have been
i made a huge batch of broth soup
and drank that for most of the day
i made Dani and Estelle a mint, Granny Smith apple and pear juice
which they really enjoyed as a change
we also made our favourite: pineapple and orange juice this morning
i can't believe we have only 10 days left
for some people this time frame left without food would seem a lifetime!
but for me today, it feels like we are on the home stretch

i felt a deep sense of change and letting go within me today
I've been watching some movies on netflix throughout the cleanse
which isn't my normal way to spend time at all....
i have no regrets, i watched some amazing movies!
many documentaries, critically a claimed foreign films
some more traditional movies i would never normally see....
but today i cancelled my membership
it is time for me to start living my life again
the past 30 days have been such a time of "going under"
deep within myself
laying low
resting, taking it easy
today i saw how it was time to put this stretch behind me

i leave for mexico in exactly three weeks
and today was the full moon
the day my life intentions are signed sealed and delivered
this feels true
Bruce and i have said our final good byes in the past few days
an ex-partner of mine seems to be finding his own path now
without the need to keep me in his life
i feel like my life is freeing itself up
for a new start
i pulled out my spanish books again today
starting to study once again for my return to "home"

i don't know exactly yet what my future holds
but i know it includes mexico
and i know that i feel ready
I'm going to start going for my daily walks/jogs again
for the remainder of my time left here in Canada
i feel ready now to start rebuilding my strength and stamina up
21 days feels like a good length of time to commit to this process
a part of me feels some sadness
moving forward in life often brings some discomfort within my physical body
and my emotional body too
i often resist change
preferring to stay "stuck", it feels a whole lot easier!

yet it ultimately isn't
change is constant and unavoidable
when i stay stuck, it is actually more work than it is to grow
because i am resisting the natural progression of my soul
my soul longs to fly
and when i clip it's wings too short
i stagnate on the ground
and i get lost in the world
today i feel ready to soar

Day 28: The Tenth Insight

today was a super rough day for me
emotionally, spiritually, and especially physically
i went through a deep cleansing within my body
i could feel it starting to come on mid afternoon
my appetite became ravenous
i had to eat at least four bowls of the broth to get through it
then my stomach bloated, i got nauseous
my face broke out in acne
which happens for me each time i go through a crisis like this

and through it all i received an email from Bruce
right in the midst of it!  coincidence?
not a chance
that is part of the first nine insights:
there is no such thing as coincidence

i wanted to be sad by the email, my old patterns coming up
and the physical cleansing occurring at the same time
would have made it so easy to do so
but that's the tenth insight
that's exactly it!
how to keep my vibration and energy of love high
no matter what is going on around me
so i sent Bruce first love, and then a return email
telling him he too is in my thoughts, my prayers and my memories

so within literal moments of setting down the book "the tenth insight"
i was able to practice it in my life
i now choose to keep my energy high
no more dipping and dropping down
as a response to the stimulus that occurs around me
because if i can do it once, no matter how strong the reason
then i will be able to do it again, and again and again
today i choose to find the joy and love and happiness
within my very own being
no longer looking for anything or anyone outside of me to provide it
i am complete within myself
anyone else in my life that brings me joy and happiness
only advances this state of perfection within me
but in no way creates it or defines it

my cleansing reaction was so strong today
i had to cancel on leading yoga and meditation tonight
no one minded, and actually everyone was on the same page
and appreciated the break for the evening
i had given Gilbert a shiatsu massage, so he especially did well with a rest

i found this poem today
i felt like it was part of my final letting go of Bruce
no more holding on to him
his email made me want to claim him one more time
and yet, i could see the truth
his email was actually part of my letting go.....
if he was mine, he would have claimed me
if he was mine, we would be together right now
and so this poem helps me to say good-bye:

Sometimes people walk away from love because it is so beautiful that it terrifies them. Sometimes they leave because the connection shines a bright light on their dark places and they are not ready to work them through. Sometimes they run away because they are not developmentally prepared to merge with another- they have more individuation work to do first. Sometimes they take off because love is not a priority in their lives- they have another path and purpose to walk first. Sometimes they end it because they prefer a relationship that is more practical than conscious, one that does not threaten the ways that they organize reality. Because so many of us carry shame, we have a tendency to personalize love's leavings, triggered by the rejection and feelings of abandonment. But this is not always true. Sometimes it has nothing to do with us. Sometimes the one who leaves is just not ready to hold it safe. Sometimes they know something we don't- they know their limits at that moment in time. Real love is no easy path- readiness is everything. May we grieve loss without personalizing it. May we learn to love ourselves in the absence of the lover.

Day 27: The First 9 Insights

i spent most of my day today
rereading the Celestine Prophecy
reacquainting myself with the first nine insights
i had forgotten so much of it
or maybe I'm just more ready to receive the information
than i have been at any time before

i am so easily able to see today
how i have let my higher energy repeatedly fall away from me
how i have recreated my birth story
over and over and over again
letting the drama play itself out one more time
and then one more time
and then of course, one more time again

refusing to simply learn my lesson
what i came here to overcome
being too stubborn to submit
and therefore unable to move forward with my life purpose
i finally see today
that my mother taught me how to be bold
courageous
how not to settle
how to walk away when necessary
how to fight for what i know is right
how to have dignity in the face of trial
and she did all of this by being the exact opposite!
i had to play out her story a hundred times
before i could finally find my own

and my father showed me how to respect myself
love myself, honour, nurture and care for myself
by bring the exact opposite!
he treated women like monsters
objects
free trade agreements
and so i had to play that story out
a hundred times
in order to find my own

and yet my father also taught me how to be free
adventurous
independent
a gypsy
a traveler
musician
laughter
huge amounts of laughter!
joy
fun
athletics
perseverance
commitment
never giving up
he gave me so many gifts
i can finally now separate the gifts from the lessons
and set the lessons free

and my mother showed me
anger
rage
regrets
food addictions
calorie restriction
control
dominance
religion
the power of the church
over eating
over working
obesity
trying to look perfect
make up
fancy clothes
tight leather skirts
disconnect from nature
disconnect from animals
over spending
fear
and so many more things
that i had to work through on my own
to get me to here

and yet they eventually created this woman in me
with the strength
to finally set all of that free
ready to live her soul purpose
and my soul purpose is the combination
of the energy of both my father and my mother
of all of the lessons pooled together to make my contribution to the world

i am here to learn how to connect with the masculine energy
in a healthy, healing way
to rise above distrust, fear, hurt, pain, jealousy, cheating, lying
to connect with a man of purpose, integrity and passion
that is ready to co create the vision with me
of a paradise here on earth
a utopia of love, trust, honouring, connecting, intimacy
to connect with the earth, with nature, with all of life
together, as a team, as a unit of strength, purpose and vision
to rise above everything i was ever shown and taught
and by rising above my own family story
thereby assisting the entire world
in moving through and beyond the dominance of the masculine
and the fear and the mistrust of the feminine
and finally allowing them to unite as one
coming together as a whole complete symbiotic circle of light and love

Day 26: The Celestine Prophecy

i woke up this morning with a lightness of being in my heart
than i cannot remember feeling in at least six years
not since i spent the 90 days in mexico
on a self-guided, whole fruit, yoga, silence and meditation cleanse
i came off of it profoundly changed and liberated
and then proceeded to allow the world
to bring me right back to where i had started mere months earlier:)
this world is such an intense training ground for our souls
we are in the extreme sports league of soul development here aren't we!!

the biggest change with this feeling that i can tell you
is the complete and utter absence of fear
it is the returning to the state of grace
where i fully understand that life is a gift from God
and any part of it that is not completely lived with love and reverence
is solely my own creation, and not the experience for which i came here to live
these states of grace
are profoundly different from the striving for grace that i am used to experiencing
the feeling of doing all of these things to somehow achieve this state:
yoga, meditation, contemplation, concentration, workshops, spiritual books.....
i mean, the thing is, all of these things are what eventually GOT me to this state
so they are invaluable, and inextricable from the process
but they are not the actual experience in and of themselves

i feel awakened to a whole new purpose today
what exactly am i here for?
i have this deep understanding today
that all of the crap and nonsense that i bring into my life
is all based on my fears
my fears of living out my life's purpose
i create all of this drama, intensity, hardship, pain and lack
simply because i am completely afraid of jumping off of my own precipice
and into my soul's true reason for being here

especially my attachment to men
i see it so clearly today
it has been the core theme running through the entire 43 years of my life
wreaking havoc on my emotions, my health, happiness and stability
who am i when i am just me?
not seeking anything
other than the pure joy of the moment that i find myself in
i have no idea!
i see that within myself today
the constant and continual seeking
where will i go to next
where will i live next
how will i earn my next money
who will i be in relationship with next

these questions are all fine in and of themselves
they are my ego finding it's place in the world
making sure i am safe, cared for, sheltered, nourished and clothed
but when they define my life experience
and limit my perception of how i see myself in the world
when they take me away from my soul purpose
and confine me to this idea of how limiting my life is
then they are not working for me!
my soul is not able to thrive, shine, and grow to it's greatest heights
it is shut down, sequestered, and trapped away in it's little cage of impossibilities

i know where this is headed for me
I've been here before
it's living my life where i am meant to live it
in my fourth to seventh chakras
not in my first to third chakras
yet, still, coming to a place of health in my lower chakras
so i can carry their safety and security with me wherever i roam
for the truth is, i am a roamer, a seeker, a wanderer, a gypsy
a lover of life in all it's forms and beauties
i cannot tie myself down to one way, one path, one root
i crave and yearn to be wild and free
blowing like the wind, flowing like rivers, flying like birds
and each time i find this within myself, i bury it
and the easiest way for me to bury my truth?
food, wine, men, money, and yes, even spirituality

i went hunting for an old favourite book of mine today
it is called "The Tenth Insight" by James Redfield
it is a sequel to "The Celestine Prophecy"
I've read it too many times to count
but it was time to go back, back to where I've already been
where the truth has already been shown to me
where i can once again discover how to live my own life
guided by intuition, nudged with hunches, shown the way by "coincidences"
I've decided to dedicate the next days of this cleanse
to remembering how to live a fearless, bold, and courageous life
a life where i can finally experience what i came here to experience

but first of all, i had to revisit The Celestine Prophecy
and reacquaint myself with the first nine insights:

1 We are discovering again that we live in a deeply mysterious world, full of sudden coincidences and synchronistic encounters that seem destined.

2 As more of us awaken to this mystery, we will create a completely new worldview - redefining the universe as energetic and sacred.

3 We will discover that everything around us, all matter, consists of and stems from a divine energy that we are beginning to see and understand.

4 From this perspective, we can see that humans have always felt insecure and disconnected from this sacred source, and have tried to take energy by dominating each other. This struggle is responsible for all human conflict.

5 The only solution is to cultivate a personal reconnection with the divine, a mystical transformation that fills us with unlimited energy and love, extends our perception of beauty, and lifts us into a Higher-Self Awareness.

6 In this awareness, we can release our own pattern of controlling, and discover a specific truth, a mission, we are here to share that helps evolve humanity toward this new level of reality.

7 In pursuit of this mission, we can discover an inner intuition that shows us where to go and what to do, and if we make only positive interpretations, brings a flow of coincidences that opens the doors for our mission to unfold.

8 When enough of us enter this evolutionary flow, always giving energy to the higher-self of everyone we meet, we will build a new culture where our bodies evolve to ever higher levels of energy and perception.

9 In this way, we participate in the long journey of evolution from the Big Bang to life's ultimate goal: to energize our bodies, generation by generation, until we walk into a heaven we can finally see.

ok, i get it
I'm ready to walk into this new heaven
and i have been for such a long time now
every fibre of my being is yearning for this opening
the entry door is scary though
i keep on arriving at it's step, and then hightailing it right back to where i started
it is a portal that demands we leave the past behind us
all of our old fears and coping mechanisms
and embrace a completely different and radically new way of being

it's like this juice fast is taking me to my final frontier
the last subtle addiction that ties me to old patterns and behaviours
when i have to eat a "certain" way, i am limited
my entire life is limited by that belief
and yet!
and yet this journey to whole, living, organic, sustainable foods
was one of the most profound and revolutionary paths of my entire life

today i realize this:
living whole ripe organic wild sustainable permaculture back-yard gardens
chickens goats trees berries greens insects compost soil clean water pure air
all of these together make up our fundamental nature as a human being
just as every other animal eats their perfect diet
in the wild, free from poisons and toxins
we have the same yearning - to reconnect to our food sources, Nature
now that this is inside of me, now that i understand this natural way of living
i can let it go
it is now deeply understood as my true nature
i won't make any other choices
it has become me!  it is who i am. i am that choice
there is nothing to do anymore, nothing to say, teach, preach or lecture
i just be that which i am
that which the whole world is ever evolving to, steadily even as i type away

so this last idea of right and wrong leaves me
i find more freedom within my body, my mind and my soul
and i become that much more able to branch out
from this belief of who i thought i was in this world
and leap into the next evolutionary stage of my life

which i believe is:  The Tenth Insight

i am ready to walk into a new heaven
i went back one final time, these past few months
back down into my lowest vibration
but now it is done.  it is over.  i never again need to experience that
there is no more turning around at the entry way
today i leave my fears at the door and step through

more on The Tenth Insight to come tomorrow!

Day 24 Juice Cleanse: Grace from God

i woke up this morning reconsidering the length of this cleanse
45 days, 50 days, 60 days........
i leave for mexico, a new life, on exactly day 50
i will once again be walking away from literally everything that i know
and stepping into a completely new life
and i will be free to start over again
with no recent history, past patterns, beliefs or opinions
full freedom to create a new life and world around my choices
in all areas, including food

I've been a raw vegan for 10 years
but what options will my new life present to me?
when i am completely open to life, fully trusting in the process
can i believe that there is a new and possibly alternate way of living?
with no labels attached to it, no words, no ideas, no limitations
full freedom to trust my body and what it needs
and to trust the universe that what will surround me on the land in mexico
will be exactly what i need to sustain me, fuel me and nourish me

i am a little intense when it comes to sacred geometry and numerology
everything around me means something to me
every insect, tree, plant, blade of grass and especially every number
so i looked up 50 on the internet
and it's spiritual significance for our lives
i learned things this morning that i had never had a clue about!
the number 50 is a highly charged number, full of meaning and symbolism
ultimately, it represents the transcendence of the self from the lowest depths
through to finding the highest and greatest depths of ourselves as humans
this link was fascinating for me as i studied the significance of the number 50:

http://www.aish.com/h/sh/t/48967246.html?tab=y

today i feel confident that October 29, day 50, will be the day i break my fast
it is also the time of Halloween
another wonderfully intense and powerful time of the year
it is the night when the veil is the thinnest
between our physical world and the Other world
a truly magical time of the year
when the material world and the spiritual world
touch for even a brief moment, and we are given this gift
of seeing through to the Other side

i was given a spiritual gift of grace today
a moment of awakening, where i could see my life from a distance
as a spectator instead of a participator
and i could see my life splayed out in front of me
the entire length of my history in relationship
each one playing itself out
from the time i was 15 to the time i am now
and i saw my fear, my hurt, my anger and resentment
i saw how i pushed and i pulled, i hated and i loved
i saw how i ran from every single one, all the while
my greatest fear being that they would run from me

and i was able to sit with that, simply experiencing it for what it was
and then shift my heart into a new state of being
a state of acceptance for the masculine, others and myself
to allow each of us to be our own magnificent perfect self
moving into a state of acceptance for my past, all the things i have done
that i regret, that i wish i could change, fix, mend, repair, void out of my life
but i can't, and i won't, and i became ok with who i am
and who i have been until now

and the freedom i found in that!
the joy and the excitement that filled me
and the new love that claimed my heart
thinking about the next partner in my life
and the radical changes in experiencing relationship with him
and how finally, finally, i can give someone the freedom to just be them
and i was overwhelmed with gratitude at this grace from God
that came to me today

it felt like all of my past simply fell away from my being
like an old worn out coat that i gently shrugged off my shoulders
like a second layer of skin that i no longer needed
to protect me, veil me, shadow me and hide me

and the lightness of being that overcame me!
it's like a rock rolled away from the entrance to my heart
and the excitement i now feel!
for the coming together of my beloved and i
to be this new woman that i can share with him
this beauty that i found within myself today
is such a blessing
i know i cannot find the words to tell you
how I'm simply not the same person right now
that i was mere hours ago

Day 19 Cleanse: It's time for my Awakening

something truly incredible happened last night
and again early this morning
i had gone to bed at 10:30 and lain there for some time processing my day
i finally looked over at the clock, I'm not even sure why
and it read :  11:11
i was a little in awe of the glaring sequence of numbers
but turned over and went to sleep
i woke up again very early this morning
rolled over
looked at the clock
and it read:  4:44

i don't even have to guess at this
I'm being asked to wake up
now
fully awaken to the truth
that there is nothing else really here
beyond love, light and joy
nothing else is real
it is time to awaken to the greater purpose of sharing this energy
how i share it doesn't so much matter
it's not the what
it's the how and the why

the number 1 signifies purity, new beginnings and the start of new ventures
it also symbolizes initiative, power, motivation, raw energy and intuition
the number 4 signifies solidity, roots, peace, calm and home
it also symbolizes persistence and endurance
when we stack them up together, like in 11:11
this compounds their importance in our lives
it greatly enhances the power of their message or lesson
it is time for me to start my new life, to create a peaceful home for myself
somewhere that i am safe, cared for, loved and purposeful
i knew today was going to be a big day

I'm here to help stop the destruction of our planet
I'm here to assist in it's healing
and to start the recreation of what we've torn apart
I'm here to share love and light with all others
so they too can awaken to the truth
my purpose is to keep my vibration high at all times
and to no longer submit to it's fall back down
and as more of us do this
the whole world changes
these powerful numbers, perfectly sequenced
show me there are higher forces guiding me
i am not alone
what we see in the physical realm, is not all there is to see
and sometimes they come and show us little signs
to help point us on our way

i am here to fully live in my purpose
in a higher vibration
i need to let go of the lower energies of the world
hence, my choice for living food years back
to live in the country now over the city
near the ocean, the tropics, the mountains and the sunshine
all such powerful forces of nature
my choice to choose organic ripe foods, full of the earth's life force
to work, play and live off the land
with gardens, animals, insects, trees and soil

i now further understand my mission to meet my life partner
this work is best done when the masculine and feminine join together
their coming together creates significant surges of power
creativity, energy, vibration and healing
together they are like one thousand beings joining
their union is essential
we must find our Other and co-create

there is a reason why we were created so differently
the masculine and the feminine
creation is never imperfect
our forming of one body, one soul, one purpose
is why we are here
the Bible was of course right all along:
"and the two shall become one flesh" (Gen. 2:24)
i finally understand
this isn't about losing our autonomy, our independence
this isn't about women submitting to men
or men submitting to women
it is about our energies blending and igniting the spark inside of us
without the masculine in my life, i feel empty, tired, weak and unfocused
i can conjure it up within myself, it's there
but it's nothing like the feeling of physically joining with a man
we join together and we give each other life force, vitality and joy

this joining of the two together is not about physical earthly love
although that exists and it is beautiful
but this call to joining is on a much higher vibrational level
the urge inside of us is more spiritual than anything
but until our own vibration is high enough to understand this
it will be the pleasure of the physical body that will draw us to one another

i have met so many men over my time here
and i have been so frustrated by their lack of purpose, clarity, direction
in Bruce's last email to me he wrote, "this is the year of the bike"
fuck!
this is actually the year of awakening to our highest purpose
the time is now!
which is truth, love, light, joy and radical forgiveness
and with those truths in place, we start to do the work
which is to heal the entire planet, including ourselves
and if that means you are riding your bike, fine
but you will be riding your bike EN ROUTE to doing the work!
let's wake up!  it's time
i see it in all of us
this yearning to rise above fear, greed, lack, insecurity, drama and chaos
but these earthly energies are so intense, so dark at times
it takes every bit of our concentration
to somehow pull our heads out of the murkiness
for even just a moment here and there

but every now and then when we do
we all see it don't we
the beauty that surrounds us
the sheer joy that exists in relationship, community, family and partnership
in the trees, the leaves, the grasses and the flowers
in the animals that we're caging and torturing to eat
in the soil that we're raping, fertilizing and stripping
in the seeds that we're dissecting, destroying and GMO'ing
and in the water that we're wasting, selling and polluting

by this evening it was done
it happened just like that
i found a permaculture institute near puerto vallarta, mexico
i applied
and i was accepted as an intern for this winter
my flight leaves calgary October 30
it will be my new home, i know it
my roots will grow there over the years and take shape
in the form of a new family, purpose and life

Day 18 Juice Cleanse: My Own Path

the Universe is surely constriving in our favour today
only one day after starting to make the potassium broth soup
a neighbour came by and dropped off a bag of garden potatoes for us
what?!
until yesterday we wouldn't have even had a use for them
today they are like a gift of flowing nectar from the honey gods:)

then Estelle went out with the dogs for a walk
and she found a huge pile of fresh tree apples that someone had dumped
Dani went running out and collected them all
and now we've got at least 30 pounds of fresh apples for juicing
we were just coming to the end of our pears and needing a replacement
which too had been free
Gilbert had picked them from the ground in the Okanagan this summer
there is nothing i love more than eating food the way God intended:
free, wild, organic, ripe, local and fresh

i slept for 7 hours last night!
a deep sleep too
i awoke feeling more "normal" than i have in any recent recollection
light, clear, pain-free, alive, motivated, willing and able
i don't know what my future yet holds
but there was more hope, readiness, peace and longing for it
than i have felt in any recent time past

we have had a full week off from meditation and yoga now
first with the retreats, and then me getting so sick
the time has flown by, and all of a sudden here we are
seven days later
tonight will be our first time together again
and my body, mind and soul are so ready
to pick up on this part of the journey once again

i have a feeling of new spaciousness within me today
a feeling of deep trust in the process of life
a sense of acknowledgement for how much pressure i have put on myself
for having to know the answers, to get my life all figured out and set in motion
the reality is this:
three years ago i lost everything
every single thing i knew to be true in my life
money, home, friends, family, community, town, dog, possessions, activities, health
all of it
not one thing remained
not even my van or my bank account
i walked away from my entire life with only my beloved bike
which was then stolen one week later!
so there you go.....
i have never once doubted
that complete and utter "nothingness"
was exactly where i was supposed to be
at that time

today i am ready to find the patience within myself
to recreate my life
not based on expectations, pre-held ideas or visions, or the "easy way"
not based on who i think i should be
or who i think others think i should be
it is time to let all of that go
and find my own authentic path in this world
the path that was designed solely and perfectly just for me
the path in which I am the only single solitary human being
on the face of this entire planet
with the capacity to walk down it in these shoes
so gracefully, confidently, and intuitively
with all the exact and precise intelligence
that only exists inside of me

i made our second batch of potassium broth today
this is what i used:
10 carrots
5 potatoes
2 onions
1 beet
1/4 turnip
1/2 bunch celery
1 red pepper
3 inches of ginger
10 garlic cloves
5 bay leaves

i chopped everything up quite small, and simmered it in lots of water for 4 hours
i let it cool completely off
and then squeezed all of the liquid from the vegetables
through a nut milk straining bag
(kind of like cheese cloth if you don't have one)
this is a really delicious broth
we are feeding the strained vegetables to the dogs
and they are loving it!

Day 16 Cleanse: Are you my Warrior? poem

back to source

We are all yearning
for source
the return
to truth
sometimes men
need to take the easier way
maybe even
just for a short awhile
beers and tv
video games
sports
women
especially young women
for their life force is at it's peak
easy target for the picking
to understand this
is to break through
the more the yearning
the stronger the urge
the deeper the sleep
the more they'll believe
that what they seek
really is the truth
we can get there so many ways
this false sense of source
drugs, alcohol, wine, porn
fast food, money, wealth, women
all of it seems real
the dream of the sleeper
tell me who you are
and I'll tell you who I'm not
I'm nothing you can see with your eyes
I'll never blind you with my beauty
the warrior
listens to the words of the world
then takes their hand
and leads them back to the truth
the warrior
is not lured in
by anything
he will never tell you what he is
but he will tell you what he is not
he is not of this world
he is only in this world
for a short while
passing through
the dust on a gravel road
a pebble lying by a stream
it's time to find a safe space
we've done everything there is to do
it's time to let go of all the ideas
that led us right to now
paycheques and bank accounts
are not going to work anymore
it's time to be fierce
courageous
wake up
and move back to the land
the cities are dark
and no longer safe
we need to survive
for the rebuilding
to be a martyr now
is no longer an act of defiance
we need clean water and gardens
superfoods and fruit trees
a few years supply at the least
some of us will go
to where the hunting is
but i promise you
we are better off
saving our seeds
and planting our trees
the world will need every wild animal it has
to rebuild this land
every oak tree
and every birch tree
maple and Douglas fir
they will do the work
we no longer know how to do
i sit here in the city
waiting for my lover
to find the strength
to come with me
and build our garden together

Day 15: You're not "Him": poem

waiting

i don't know why I'm here
or why I'm not
Lewis Hyde
James Hollis
Menzies
there is no truth
my soul does not already know
Time
i can no longer wait
my body suffers
for the knowing
of the unlived life
suburbia
a lull
short
even somewhat sweet
but still
my body screams
my eyelid flickers
across the room
books by the bedside
rugs strewn on floors
a book
unopened
all unopened
like hearts
waiting to be flung
out open windows
drape-less
exposed vistas
vulnerable mountains
they land
in patches of grass
falling open
to unread passages
unwalked paths
dark alleyways
strangers
with eyes averted
no one
really sees me
although once you did
sheets on clotheslines
speak of happier times
before knowledge
like dust
blew in with the wind
white turned grey
blessed night
obscured
All
my body refusing
to fall back asleep
jobs beckon
children cry
spouses demand
family calls
and still
we inch forward
and still
we free fall backwards
landing
on soft mattresses
clean sheets
family bbq's
the laughter of friends
red wine
black coffee
salmon steaks
well paying jobs
dental plans
free medical
only the fool
would ever walk away
enlightenment
consciousness
spirituality
like trenches of mud
we stand thigh high
screaming up at the moon
for a gravity pull
Be Here Now
Loving What Is
The Gift
elusive words
like the stars
stared at
through skylights
panes of glass
separating nothing
everything
fake food
bees in boxes
plastic houses
concrete hearts
prepackaged days
expired lives
we fit in
because we must
we bend and shape
or we would die
i sound melodramatic
to a world
reigned in
by necessity
i dream of the world
where death is but a doorway
if i thought there was a reason
i would stay
but today
i cannot conjure up the energy
to don the cloak
this world
demands i wear
where are You?
you keep me grounded
the Other
that cannot be bound by Time
ever marching us
towards the End
of life?
of breath?
of this beating heart?
nothing is real
but You
tears stream down the backs of my eyes
down my throat
along my heart
and into my stomach
they bloat my belly
and they heavy my steps
my skin browns in the sun
as i wait for the world to awaken

Day 14 Juice Cleanse: Shadow Selves

i slept for 6 hours again last night!
i was wide awake until 12:30 am. and was starting to get worried
but when i finally crashed i was out cold until nearly 7 this morning

we haven't done our daily yoga/meditation here now since thursday
due to the guests that have been staying here needing the space
and now with Dani and Estelle leaving, we won't again today
i notice the difference without it for sure
but the time off has given my body some of the extra rest it needed
i still don't have the energy for other exercise each day
and this is hard for my body and mind to be ok with
but i feel so certain that i am making the right choice
and that this cleansing process will be so much swifter
with the space and rest allowed and needed for it to happen

i am continually having moments of incredible mental clarity and ease in my body
followed by moments of cleansing so deep i fear i won't come out of it
i know this is a sign
to keep me on my path
to encourage me to keep up the work
the Universe is sharing with me this incredible vision
of what my future will one day look and feel like for me

i suppose i haven't mentioned Bruce much lately have i
i guess I've been doing some deep processing on it
so deep the words haven't even been rising to the surface
but today, words finally started to come up for me
and at first this is what my brain wanted to write about it:

the truth is that i feel complete with the time Bruce and i shared
i feel i have learned the lessons that i needed to learn from him
it was easily the most painful time of my life
and i am finally ready to do WHATEVER it takes within myself
to never manifest that kind of relationship again
my heart feels healed, it feels whole again, mended
stitched all perfectly back up together again....
this was one of my goals for the cleanse
so on only day 14 today, this seems like a voluminous marker passed
and it gives me hope, confidence and momentum forward

because i have been manifesting this same kind of relationship
since i was only in my teens
since the very first man that i ever dated
that watched porn, read porn, had porn up on his walls
talked about women as objects instead of goddesses
and i hated them all
and i set out to prove to them how much i hated them
by entering into relationship with them
to punish them, hurt them, pain them and then ultimately leave them
when they proved to me that they were in fact as brutal as i believed them to be

it was the pain body of a very young girl
listening to a father talk about women's breasts and asses
brutally cutting down my mother as being fat
making snide comments about ugly women
and then whistling and hooting at the "pretty ones" as we passed them by

and finally, finally it is all behind me
a lifetime of pain behind me
worked through in the end with "Radical Forgiveness"
(http://www.radicalforgiveness.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/Radical-Forgiveness-EBook.pdf)
and I'm going to have to be SO diligent now
not to fall into any of my old patterns, behaviours, or thoughts
any of those self limiting ideas and beliefs
that allow me to believe that i am not worthy of every single thing that i yearn for
that allow me to believe that men are not as worthy of love as women are
that allow me to believe that men are not pure, true, loyal, loving and holy

because the thing is this
i actually deep in my soul DO believe that men are all those things
i really do
and i always have
it was my shadow side
the side that was born to protect me from my father
that created this story inside of me to keep me safe from him
and all other men like him
but the thing is this
I'm a strong, healthy, smart, conscious woman now
i can spot "those" men a mile away
i don't need to protect myself from them any longer
they are not even in my same energy field
i am now safe to interact with all men that come my way!
if we are drawn to one another, then i can trust that i am safe
and as i trust them, they trust me
and both of our shadow sides can stay where they belong
off in the distance keeping a watchful eye
but no longer interfering in our lives and happiness

the biggest revelation of all
is that even "those" men that i did have to protect myself from
even them!
they too are perfect
it is only their shadow side that is protecting them as well
how can i not have compassion for that
when I've lived my entire life out the same way?
their shadow side distrusts me just as much as mine distrusts them
i am now free to let all men be perfect as they are
and trust that my highest self is calling in their highest self at all times

BUT
here's the thing
after writing all of the above
i felt compelled to send Bruce an email in response to his last one to me
(which i had never shared here, as of course, it is his email and not mine to share)
but when i reread his email, my heart completely unfurled itself open one more time
and i cried, and i cried, and i cried some more....
the truth is that i am not yet fully healed
that was my head talking and not my heart
and the process will take time and patience
we loved and still love one another
and this journey to complete healing cannot be rushed through

here is the email i ended up writing and sending him today:
(which finally came from my heart!)

happy fall solstice!  (only hours away, and new moon too!)
thank you for your return note the other night Bruce
thank you for staying open to our healing together.....
i can't even begin to share with you adequate words to let you know the healing that is happening daily in my life because of our meeting....
it is just so incredible and wild and I cry many times a day for the releases of anger i am experiencing inside of myself towards the masculine energy
you are truly the most amazing thing that has ever come about in my life
i feel like not one part of me is the same as it was on july 11th when we tentatively walked closer to one another
reading about your releases and shifts as well, the whole thing just becomes an even greater experience of compassion and love for one another
i have been blogging daily about it all, and this creative expression i am positive has been paramount to my healing as well
so much comes out of me when i freely write, without holding back or censoring.....
i miss BC so much, the forests and the lakes and trails
i miss Whysper and you and your home
i miss elixirs and salads and planting gardens
i miss eating dinners on sleeping bags on hardwood floors:)
yet of course, i am exactly where i am supposed to be
(as of course you knew!)
and i honour your future journey so deeply
the potential course in the states, and your dreams for more biking
i also send you support for your meeting with the university
of course it will turn out exactly as it should
your destiny and purpose here will surely be fulfilled
every time i think i have healed my heart fully from us, i reread your last email
and i am broken wide open once again by you
blessings to you my love
Robyn

i had an interesting skype last night as well
it was with a former partner of mine
we hadn't spoken in over 7 months now
since that fateful night in February 2014
when our dark shadows
decided to attempt a conversation with one another:)

for the record
it doesn't work
at any given time
in any given intimate relationship
at least one higher self must be present in all conversations!
if one partner needs to bring out their shadow for a short period of time
fine
if it must be, it must be
but in a conscious relationship it then becomes paramount
that the other person stay fully connected to their highest self during that time
it cannot work any other way
unless of course you are comfortable with mad chaos
unless of course you are sure you can somehow survive the aftermath
we weren't
we didn't

in any case
it was nice to hear his voice
and in many ways it felt like the seven months had never even gone by
we are going to attempt a friendship
and this is the first time for me that i have ever considered this with a former partner
I'm not sure how it will work
because i feel that a full "moving on" is paramount to new doors opening
so i don't know
i don't have an answer to this today
but i do want to live with my heart fully open
and so for now, i will simply see how this feels and where it goes
and trust the process

while we were Skyping, a really huge spider crawled right over my leg
it totally startled me, but he was talking, so i didn't say anything
i just kind of swiped it away and it landed on the floor and crawled away
(I'm sorry spider that i felt fear and that i brushed you away from me so quickly!!)
then after the Skype, i started thinking about animal medicine
and what the spider was there to tell me
i mean, it's not that often that a spider will crawl right over a person IN A HOUSE!
there was definitely a message there for me
so i spent hours this morning researching on line
because i knew the message would be somewhat obscure
not necessarily the most obvious and first thing to jump out at me
because there is simply just so much history between me and this man

traditionally, spiders represent the creative forces of the feminine
and more specifically, they represent the creativity energy of writing
spiders are thought to have created the primordial human language
which  is very accurate for me right now
as i have been dedicating myself and my time to this 40 day blog process
and yet, she crawled right over me exactly on our Skype call
so i kept on trying to dig deeper
knowing there was a message here for me directly pertaining to this man
i finally felt i had found it
the following is taken from:
http://www.whats-your-sign.com/spider-symbol-meaning.html

————————————————————————————————————

Spider Symbolism

The Spider is an ancient symbol of mystery, power and growth.

We take our first lesson from the ancient symbol of the Spider by contemplating its web.

Just as the Spider weaves a web, so too must we weave our own lives. The Spider symbol meaning here serves as a reminder that our choices construct our lives. When the Spider appears to us, it is a message to be mindful of the choices we are making - and ask ourselves:

How are my choices affecting my life?
How can my choices improve my life?
How are my choices affecting others in my life?

Not only do Spiders and their webs draw attention to our life choices, they also give us an overview of how we can manipulate our thinking in order to construct the life we wish to live.

Spiders do this by calling our awareness to the amazing construction of their webs. Fully functional, practical, and ingenious in design - Spider webs serve as homes, food storage, egg incubators - seemingly limitless in their functionality.

When we consider this ingenious diversity, we can also consider the web-like construct of our own lives. How are we designing the most effective life?

When we see our decisions, choices and actions as far-reaching, effective tools in life - we can see how we weave a web that can either serve us or enslave us. The Spider symbol meaning beckons us to be mindful of our behaviors - be smart about the life we weave for ourselves.

We can derive more Spider symbol meaning when we consider certain subtle characteristics that represent ancient symbols of infinity.

The infinity symbol meanings occur when we consider most Spiders have eight eyes and all have eight legs. The number eight is also a symbol of infinity or lemniscate (an eight turned on its side). Also, the vibrational frequency indicates the meaning of number eight involves cycles, passage of time, and evolution.

In Native American symbolism, the Spider is a symbol of protection against torrential storms. In yet other Native American lore accounts, the Spider (personified as the Grandmother) was the teacher and protector of esoteric wisdom.

The meaning of Spider in India is associated with Maya. The term Maya comes from the Sanskrit root "Ma" which means no form or limit. The term Maya describes the illusory nature of appearances. The Spider’s association with Maya brings about the understanding that not all things are as they appear to be.

————————————————————————————————————

thank you!
i get it
be careful, and be mindful
stay awake
keep to my truth, and keep to my path
in every second, make sure i am creating and weaving the life of my dreams
the future that i am manifesting and building for myself right now
because there are no right or wrong choices
but certainly they WILL create my future
so i must make sure i am spinning everything that i want to spin
and nothing else
or my web will one day look significantly different
than how i had once envisioned it to look