i pleaded with God tonight.....

i pleaded with God tonight
for a revolution
some apocalyptic event
that would force us
to overhaul our hearts
open our eyes
and unclench our fists

i pleaded with God tonight
for a world-wide shift
between families
and friends
lovers
partners
corporations
and governments
what happened to the Prophets
that once showed us the way

i pleaded with God tonight
for kindness
and generosity
love
and compassion
the fundamental basic attributes
that once defined the very act
of being human
existing intelligently
in this one same body

i pleaded with God tonight
for my very own awakening
a complete and utter
absolute and fundamental
purgation of who i once thought
that i was to be
when i can finally embrace myself
in the image of our God
all that i am wanting
nay dreaming
of this valiant world to be

every now and then

i still miss you
every now and then
i dream, pretend, converse
but just
every now and then

a completely different life
had one small word been different
one sentence
one frustration
one inadequacy
viewed
even mildly
somewhat
differently

i still think to write you
every now and then
words put down to pen
emails started and deleted
but just
every now and then

i think of you as married now
living in a different town
than that one
that one we spent our summer in
laughing, playing, fighting
doing all those things
only other people now
around me seem to do

we were both wrong
completely and utterly wrong
you wanted too little
and i wanted too much
the irony of that
punches the wind
right out of my body

i still think of Whysper
every now and then
that angel in that body
the one i gave my heart to
the one whose consciousness
every now and then
still passes me by
deep in the middle of the night
his body keeps my blankets warm
and i awake
to bits of fur stuck
to the tops of my covers
but only
every now and then


i'm a different woman now
than the one you knew back then
i think you might like me more
but possibly love me less

i asked for so much more
than you could ever give
and you asked for so much less

my heart screamed
screamed!
to hand it all right over
every bit to you
but that doesn't work now does it
it doesn't ever work
in this such a dark
dark constricted world

i still think of you
every now and then
wondering what you're doing
which path you're on, which trail you run
the speed of your bike
the kilometres you've clocked

i still dream of you
every now and then
what could have been
what should have been
what would have been
but just
every now and then

had we had the audacity
to be more vulnerable
the courage
to fling propriety to the side
the trust
that our dark night of the soul
would in deed one day
finally pass us by
would in deed one day
be just the dimmest memory
coming to us
only every now and then

Just a little thing

and so the day came

when there was nothing left to do

nothing to cook

nothing to sew

mend

or seam

and i looked out my window

and i saw the branch

it`s utter idleness

combined

with utter purpose

and i finally realized

we had it all wrong from the start

the adjustment bureau - watch it!!

the adjustment bureau - movie review

i was always told to

go for it

think big

dream big

live large

know what you want

fight for it

just do it

and somehow

unimaginably

it worked

for so much of my life

it worked

and then one day

something shifted

something shattered

and somehow

unimaginably

it no longer worked

i could no longer conjure

one single thing

that i thought was true

real

and years went by

of struggle, disease and striving

not believing it was over

so much time passed me by

before i could finally see

inexplicably

that the fight

the struggle

the pain

was never going to work

and i started to ponder

the possibility

of a master plan

beyond me

beyond my ego

beyond my desires

beyond my dreams

goals

ideas

logic

like that movie

the adjustment bureau

could it be true

and if it is

where exactly

did my effort fit into the plan

my self-will

my dreams

my truth

today

in my tiny little basement suite

i have no idea

all that makes sense

in this one small  moment

is surrender

letting go

bursting wide open at the seams

of my such a limited heart

compared to the Divine

that is trying so desperately

to help me see

that the master plan

is a good one

it fits the life i came here to live

perfectly

surrender doesn`t look like

 a blob on my couch

a puddle on my floor

a foetus curled up on my bed

it kinda feels like that

but it doesn`t look like that

it isn`t tears, sadness or addictions

it kinda feels like that

but it doesn`t look like that

the master plan

looks like a path

filled with twists and turns and choices

a light in the distance that i only need seek

a tunnel that sometimes looks black and sinister

but always, always

ends up in the rays of the sunshine

the master plan

is like a perfectly tuned orchestra

conducted by a maestro

that can somehow see

every single thing

happening at exactly the same time

i want to lie down

forever in sivasana

but i can`t, i can`t

the master plan is only a plan

the orchestra requires the musician

the architect requires the labour

the mother bee requires the worker bee

and the Divine requires our soul

God needs me

God needs you

He has a perfect plan

help me live it

help me breathe it

join me