Surrender

looks like giving up

feels like resignation

sighs like weary old women

flops to the ground

like well-spent dogs

curdles like cream 

that took a bit too long

to get all used up

I don't know why

I fight 

what God has asked of me

to simply be 

here

now

I don't know why

I want more

than what is offered me

I don't know why

I want less

than my wildest dreams

if there is a plan

I cannot see it

if there is a design

I cannot feel it 

this takes faith

so much faith

my legs grow weary 

courage

so much courage

my body curls up like a child 

trust 

so much trust

i am sure I will be buried alive

by heaps and heaps of this trust

that is conjured from somewhere deep inside of me

so far away from reality

it becomes painfully obvious

that this is not 

of my own making

somewhere this faith

this trust

this courage 

is heaped on top 

of this one small life

by a God

I cannot fathom

a God 

I cannot see

a God

whose pure invisibility

makes Him for me

finally

intangibly

perfectly 

Real 

surrender

feels like every single beautiful dream

is being hurled 

into a fiery pit

one by one by one 

the same fiery pit

that will ultimately devour me

should the temptation to disbelief

one day ensnare me 

in its tenacious unrelenting claws

and when I'm done

all the back breaking 

soul clenching work

of hurling

uncurling 

and unfurling 

it will finally be the end of me

and I will finally fall 

into the formless 

dreamless 

slumber of exhaustion

and I will awake 

to nothing

absolutely annihilating nothing

and this is precisely when

my life will begin

and so tonight I pray then 

merely

for courage

and strength

resilience

trust

faith 

and fortitude 

enroute

to the ultimate surrender

which is 

the letting go

of the foolproof plan

the ideas thought mattered

the agenda thought real

the life thought adequate 

the dreams thought big enough

Love

I think it takes incredible courage

to be scared out of your mind

I think it takes ridiculous levels of confidence

to be completely and utterly vulnerable

I think it takes a whole lot of emptiness

to allow yourself to be filled right up to the top

with love

grace

patience

kindness

honour

redemption 

a complete and utter lack of judgment

for anything

anyone

anytime

anyplace

never

not once

not one small vindictive thought

word

deed

action

how do we get there?

to Grace

how do we navigate this one small short life

where the ending is always the same

no matter how different the journey looks

whether you pillage and plunder

rape and pilfer

drink and gamble

addicts and criminals

it's all the same

we're all the same 

Catholics and Protestants

Buddhists and Monks

evangelists and mendicants 

rich and poor

happy and sad

the truth will always be the Truth:

we're all enroute to Him

if we ever truly and absolutely

irrevocably   

understood this

could anything possibly

remotely possibly

stay the same?

what If we were

truly were

all the same

truly One

what would happen to Christianity

what would happen to religion

what would be left

when it all fell away

I would say:

Spirit

Love

Grace

Faith

Hope

Tears 

but the greatest of these 

is Love

Soul Mate Song

there is a You
isn't there.....
I'd long since given up hope
but tonight
in the quiet
in the tears
in the utter vulnerability of Me
God spoke

and just the simple fact that I want you
that I need you
that I choose you
that I long for you
reminds me
this world once again reminds me
that I am weak
I am fragile
I am utterly dependent
on You

God told me tonight
about you
about us
about our life
about how all my dreams
are not Too Much
they are real
they are alive
they are an entity in and of
themselves

and as I break
and as I bend
I make space
for Grace
and as I open
and as I close
three steps forward
and two steps back
ultimately
somehow
by grace alone
I draw closer to you

but tonight
tonight
God told me this:
you were made for me
quite literally
and I was made for you
and it's our Spiritual duty
to find one another here
not by searching
and not by seeking
but simply
by living the life
we came here to live

God has a plan
there are things at work
that we know nothing about
the day we see clearly
that life is spiritual
and not physical
in that moment
finally
we will recognize one another