Musings on: Soul mate vs Twin flame

I've thought before, that I'd met a soul mate....

So what exactly does that mean?

I mean, it's such a cliche, it almost seems embarrassing on some level to have done so...

And what about all the other lovers we have had in our lifetimes, what if we thought one of them was our soul mate, and then maybe another one after that, and another one after that....  How does it even have any real significance by the time we actually do meet our true soul mate?

And what if this relationship then ends, and we meet another soul mate down the road?  It starts to almost sound and seem ludicrous...

A few months back, i stumbled across the term "twin flame", and this led to some significant research on what a twin flame was, what a soul mate was, and truly what the difference was between the two...

It blew my mind!  I mean, completely.  My mind and heart opened up to a whole new idea of what the partners i had previously had in my life had actually meant to me, why they were there, and why i had chosen to spend my time with them for those particular periods of my life....

This is what www.soulevolution.org has to say about twin flames and soul mates:

Twin flames, also called twin souls, are literally the other half of our soul. We each have only one twin, and generally after being split the two went their separate ways, incarnating over and over to gather human experience before coming back together. Ideally, this happens in both of their last lifetimes on the planet so they can ascend together. So you probably haven't had many lifetimes with your twin.

NASA Hubble Telescope Photo
Each twin is a complete soul, not half a soul. It is their task to become more whole, balancing their female and male sides, and ideally become enlightened, before reuniting with their twin. This reunion is of two complete and whole beings. All other relationships through all our lives could be said to be "practice" for the twin, the ultimate relationship.
What is a Soulmate?

Soulmates are our soul family, the ones we do have many lifetimes and experiences with, who help us grow and evolve, create and dissipate karma. According to ancient wisdom, when the soul is "born" or descended from Source, it is created in a group. The souls in this group are our soulmates, ones who are very like us in frequency makeup. Then each of these souls is split into two, creating the twins.

A soulmate is someone you are close to at a soul level, and with whom you have had many shared experiences in different lifetimes, in various kinds of relationships -- siblings, parent-child, best friend, as well as romantic relationships. There is a deep love for each other, and a spiritual bond that sets them apart from the superficiality of most other people in your life. Conversations are generally deep, about personal growth and service to make the world a better place. We can have many soulmates in our lives, and they come to us to help us grow spiritually.

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Incredible!  I mean, literally incredible....

I realize now i have already met so many of my soul mates in this life time....  They have taught me lessons, pained me, sometimes tormented me, we have cried together, laughed together, traveled together, and then eventually, we have learned our lessons, and gone our separate ways...

I now realize that i only have one twin flame, and yes, he will be a soul mate of mine as well....  In some ways, this idea of being completed by another human being can sound codependent, needy, and unhealthy.  My soul however knows the truth.

Namaste
Robyn

Decision: what i claim, and what i release

I've never been this quiet before...  I've never had so little to say...

I seem to be deep in the midst of inevitable contemplation, shifting, aligning, change and impermanence...

I am learning patience and trust, continually, moment to moment to moment...

I have moments where i want it all figured out, and feel such discontent to live in the now...

I have moments of deep insight into what i am willing to let go of, and what i am willing to embrace in order to create the life of my dreams...

I have moments of great energy, and moments of intense exhaustion, as i shift and move towards my highest potential...

I yearn so deeply for my soul mate, yet understand he will only come to me, as quickly and as effortlessly, as i myself am able to fully embrace the Me that i know i am...

Transformation continually comes to mind, i can feel my very cells and DNA aligning fully around this new creation of myself...  I can feel the interior of my body moving and integrating the changes my spirit and soul are now ready to make...

I have moments of weakness, where i am not my highest self, and i feel sick and dizzy at their memory... I am realizing more and more and more, that to be anything less than my truest and highest vision of Me, is no longer an option...

Some days i want to run away from this extreme authenticity, this extreme vulnerability, and yet this too is no longer an option.  Now i choose to sit in the fire, let it envelop me, and burn away every single thing in my life that is not exemplary of my highest purpose.

My highest purpose here is to love.  It is to heal myself, and therefore heal the world.  It is to find my soul mate, and fulfill our pact to fully support one another's healing, the healing of all beings, and the healing of Mother Earth.




What i am willing to let go of:

Avoidance of anything
Doubts
Corporations
Self-limitations
Fears
Self-created demons
Grocery stores
Laziness
Needing to be right
Thinking i know anything for "certain"
Non-local foods
Regrets
Worry
Grief
Self-sabotage
Who i think my soul mate is
All negativity
Running from life
Escaping pain and it's learnings
Small thoughts
Unbalanced ego
Helplessness
Being stuck
Self importance
Resistance
Fixed thinking
Right and wrong
Good and bad



Things i am willing to claim:

Integrity
Impeccability
Radical self esteem
Self forgiveness
Forgiveness for others
Compassion for self and others
Devotion
Balanced spirit
Sacred wisdom
Inner knowing
Instinct
Change
New life
Bravely leaping into the unknown
Finding my potential
Patience
Serenity
Radical generosity
New ideas
New learnings
Manna-life force
Adaptability
Laughter
Joy
Play
Stamina
Energy
My soul mate
Commitment
Love
Balanced power
Big dreams
Ease
Boundaries
Grace
Beauty
Healing
Acceptance
vulnerability

my longing: the Balanced Mature Masculine

I just read a most amazing book that had a profound influence me, and my understanding of the male energy....  King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine, co-written by Robert Moore.  Moore believes that masculine energy is made up of these 4 different archetypes that must each be developed and balanced in order to become a complete and mature man....  

This philosophy of archetypes is founded on the ideas of Carl Jung, who originated the idea of archetypes as being patterns of behaviours and thoughts that exist in every man, no matter of your circumstances... Moore took these ideas and translated them into the development of the mature masculine energy, believing that without the balancing of these four archetypes, it would be near to impossible for the modern man to flourish into a mature masculine healthy state.

Moore believes that the problem with the modern man is not that he needs to develop his feminine side more, but that he actually needs to mature his masculine side more.  Mature is the key word here.  It's not about becoming more masculine, as this can frequently look like aggression, violence, inability to access emotions, aloofness, anger, etc. - but instead to mature the masculine side...  

Moore believes that because of the immaturity of the modern man's masculinity, they are often told to develop their softer, more nurturing feminine side as a means to compensate, which simply leads to an even greater imbalance.  Moore is quick to share that developing the feminine side in a man is very healing and important, but often comes at the expense of maturing the masculine, and when doing so, leads to an immature and weak man...  This same immature and weak man may also use coping mechanisms to compensate for his weakness, leading to further compounded problems.

Moore believes that men need to balance all four of these archetypal energies equally.  He sees each one as a triangle with the peak being the fullest expression, and the two bottom corners being the bi-polar dysfunctional shadows.  For example, the dysfunctions of the King archetype are the tyrant and the weakling.  

I found an incredible website that goes into great detail regarding all four of these archetypes, how to balance them, how they look when unbalanced, and how they look when balanced.  It is a must read!  Because of the magnificence of this website, i will not go into full details here, instead i urge you to read this site after you are finished reading my post: (look about half way down the page)

http://www.artofmanliness.com/2011/10/04/the-four-archetypes-of-the-mature-masculine-the-lover/

Of all of the energies, the King energy is the most important of the energies, as in order to fully balance the King - the Warrior, the Lover and the Magician must have all already been balanced.  The King is centred, present, decisive, and he lives with full integrity.  He is confident and has a strong sense of purpose.  He remains steadfast in the midst of disorder.  He responds with authenticity and strength.  He does not dominate or domineer, but acts from a place of true leadership.  

When the King energy is not balanced or matured, he can sway between the bi-polar expressions of either the weakling or the tyrant.  As the tyrant, he may feel he is the centre of the universe or more important than anyone else...  He is willing to walk over his friends and family in order to reach his own potential...  As a weakling, this man will become cruel and abusive in order to compensate for his feelings of weakness.  He thinks everyone is out to get him, which often is the case, because he is so cruel, manipulative and narcissistic.  The Art of Manliness website says under every tyrant is a weakling waiting to explode.

The information in this book was huge for me....  As I've gone through and navigated the single years since my marriage ended in 2006, i have been waiting and dreaming of the arrival of this most present, balanced, strong yet caring man, that would somehow magically show up in my life, and want to share his life with me...  I haven't found him...  I haven't even seen him!  I mean, really, where are these men?  And forget about me, i mean, fine, let's just say I'm not the kind of girl these amazing balanced masculine men are looking for....  But nearly all of my women friends are single as well!  And these are incredible women, these are the kind of women that men should be snapping up like flies....  But they're not.  These women are not willing to date any man, they are not willing to settle, they are fully capable of waiting out however long it might take in order to draw into their life a fully mature and balanced masculine man.

A few months ago, i dated what i had thought was my soul mate, and he left me as quickly as he arrived. He had a thousand reasons for leaving me: i was not enough for him, i was not far enough along my path, i was too emotional, too dramatic, my glass was half full, and on and on....  Since this happened, i have wondered and wondered about this....  For i know we could have been good together, i know my glass is more than half full, i know my path is strong, i know i am balanced, centred, awake, and present....  What was it then, within me, or within himself, that caused him to run from something with such potential for greatness as what we had together?

Through reading this book, and studying the qualities of the Magician energy, i came to discover one of the energies in my soul mate that may not have been completely balanced...  This is what Moore says about the unbalanced Magician:

“This is the man who thinks too much, who stands back from his life and never lives it. He is caught in a web of pros and cons about his decisions and lost in a labyrinth of reflective meanderings from which he cannot extricate himself. He is afraid to live, to ‘leap into battle.’ He can only sit on his rock and think. The years pass. He wonders where the time has gone. And he ends by regretting a life of sterility. He is a voyeur, an armchair adventurer. In the world of academia, he is a hairsplitter. In the fear of making the wrong decision, he makes none. In his fear of living, he also cannot participate in the joy and pleasure that other people experience in their lived lives. If he is withholding from others, and not sharing what he knows, he eventually feels isolated and lonely. To the extent that he has hurt others with his knowledge and technology—in whatever field and in whatever way—by cutting himself off from living relatedness with other human beings, he has cut off his own soul.”

This was my soul mate!  This was exactly what i had been trying to put into words...  I mean, he really wanted this life with me, and we could have had it together...  But he couldn't commit to me, to us, to what we might have to go through together at the start, in order to be magical together.  Instead of using his energy to create magic he tore me and us apart...   I believe he was so scared to make the wrong decision, that i might be the wrong girl for him, that he might not be happy with me, etc. etc., that he did the easiest thing he could do at the time: walk away.  

The Warrior would not have walked away.  The Warrior would have fought for me and for us both.  The Warrior would have stayed loyal to what we were creating together, something that was larger than each of us were individually.  

Learning more about the Lover archetype next was also very meaningful for my understanding of this loss of my soul mate...  This is what the Art of Manlihood says about the Lover:

The Impotent Lover shadow arises when a man is out of touch with the Lover archetype in its fullness. While the Lover in his fullness sees the world in vivid colors and textures, the Impotent Lover only sees gray. Men dogged by the Impotent Lover archetype feel depressed, flat, and dead inside. Nothing brings them joy anymore. They’ve lost their passion for life. Relationships, whether romantic or platonic, struggle and falter for the man possessed by the Impotent Lover. Libido is non-existent in these men, as is their sex life.

While the Addicted Lover does not give himself enough structure, the Impotent Lover can arise in a man who disciplines himself too much. This is often the case with devoutly religious men, who, going far beyond the admonishments of their faith, laden themselves with overly prudish rules, and feel shame when “indulging” in life’s pleasures. The energy of the Lover archetype builds up behind this dam of limits, and without a healthy channel to pursue, sooner or later it bursts forth in destructive ways, like addiction to porn. The Impotent Lover becomes the Addicted Lover.

Holy Isanity!  Already between the King, the Lover and the Warrior, I've covered nearly every single man i have ever dated....  What is happening with our men?  Who is to take responsibility for creating and nurturing mature masculine men in this dynamic of a world we are currently living in?

Don't get me wrong, i'm not claiming to have this all figured out, not by a long shot....  What i do know for sure, is that there are hundreds, no thousands of amazing women out in the world, conscious, awake, aware, beautiful, authentic, original, and yes, still single...  And yet, for the most part, we still have the majority of men too scared to claim them, love them, protect them, honour them and fully cherish them....  Men that simply do not know how to let them be an authentic woman, encompassing all aspects of their feminine nature, and not back away from their glory....

This book is not an easy read - it was written for men and by men, so i wonder if that wasn't part of the problem in my efforts to read it...  But the ideas presented are original, intriguing and changed my opinion and perception of men...  I now understood that my lover was truly attempting to be authentic in the moment, he was truly trying to be on his truest path, he was truly trying to honour himself...  By not fully integrating and balancing all aspects of himself, he quite simply was not able to fully show up for me, for himself, and for what we had dreams of creating together.  

Right now, my soul mate and i should be together, we should be holding baby chickens, tending gardens, making love and sharing sunsets...  We aren't.

I wouldn't doubt that if he somehow ever came across this post, it would simply give him more fuel for his fire...  More data for his theories, more support for his beliefs...  And really, at the end of the day, what do i know anyway....  Nothing for certain, that is for sure...  I could be wrong.  Yet i still fully believe those men are out there somewhere, those men that have balanced all aspects of themselves, those men that can sit in the flames of the fire of a woman, and not back down...  Not run, and not seek shelter.  Men that will experience an authentic woman, and still scream "yes" from the tops of the mountains...  Men that are truly 100% ready and available to create, nurture and participate in a full and meaningful life with the woman of their dreams....  

I will find you!!

Robyn

My Life: Anastasia Ringing Cedar Series.....

it's an understatement, that this book series has been a really big part of my life, who i have become, the life i am trying to create for myself, and ultimately how i see my future looking...

http://www.ringingcedars.com.

The Anastasia series is 9 books in total...  Reading the first book alone changed who i am, how i interact in the world, and how i now see the earth as a living entity, and ultimately how i can learn to connect with this powerful energy the earth has to offer me... By book 9 i was in shock, at all of these incredible new thoughts presented to me regarding life, love, nature, consciousness, interdependence, my own physical health, and the health of the entire world...

I came to see how the people and world around me was so often absorbed in cell phones, facebook, video games, fast food, mindless jobs, gossip, unfulfilling relationships, violent movies and personal drama...  I began to be aware that as i changed, i no longer seemed to fit into this world around me...

I became forced in many ways, to start choosing more meaningful friendships, deeper relationships, and more conscious conversations.....  Somewhere along a lonely road in baja, mexico, i threw my cell phone out the window, gave my computer away, and started liberating myself from these tight holds i had allowed the world to place on me, and i started to allow the real me to begin to come to the surface...

The main story line revolves around Megré, a ship captain, and his journey to meeting a young forest hermit/nymph named Anastasia, and the process of her introducing him to a whole other world – a world of  completely incredible revelations regarding sacred sex, altered states of consciousness, living consciously, and displays by Anastasia of incredible power, knowledge and wisdom....   Megré ultimately decides to abandon his river trading business in order to document and share these revelations with the world.  These books are his story.

Anastasia naturally and effortlessly provides immediate answers to some of the most complex and pressing problems of the "outside" world....  This is because she is connected to the primordial Universal Wisdom.  She displays a highly developed intelligence, extraordinary perceptual powers, and a degree of self-mastery that enables her to regulate every aspect of her vitality. She lives in a glade in the forest, with very few clothes or possessions in a sub-zero climate.  She radiates joy, compassion, awareness, connection and vibrancy, and we as the reader are shown how easy it can be to live in this state of harmony for ourselves...  But it will take a new way of living, new levels of loving, and new ways of seeing ourselves and the world.  

After reading the series through once, i was ready to start dismantling my life, and discarding of my possessions.  After 6 months of continual giving away to friends and family, i was down to one small backpack.  This was 3 years ago, and i have never had the need to purchase anything since...  I have found contentment in just being, instead of owning...  I completely stopped using products of any kind, and learned how to use Dr. Bonner's for literally every necessity of life!

After reading this series through a second time, I stopped driving, gave my vehicle away, and started walking or biking everywhere i needed to go.  

After reading this series through a third time!, I started learning how to live off the land, and spent a winter in Hawaii doing my best to only eat foods that i could source within a few miles of my home....  I am now down to 10 articles of clothing.  I have stopped using feminine products, cleaning products, paper products, etc.

I learned how to spend more time outdoors in nature - with animals, wildlife, pets, children, - observing, meditating, contemplating, admiring, connecting...  

After reading this series, i have literally completely rearranged my life to reflect a more authentic, connected existence. I have felt huge surges of creativity, and have started writing poetry, songs, music, and playing my guitar for hours out of each day... Thousands more besides me have been inspired to begin planting trees and growing healing food gardens in their cities as well as their homes.  I myself have moved to an intentional community, where i am starting to practice living off the land, making our own food, growing our own gardens, raising chickens, living in community, and practicing permaculture.

In this "return to sanity", as many call the teachings of this series, many people around the world are joining together to plan the creation of new communities where each family or individual owns their own piece of land and together take immense pride in creating beautiful family estates – natural paradise-like sanctuaries to be enjoyed by successive generations.  Personally, i have a dream to create my own utopia here on earth, where people from all over the world might want to come and visit, learn, experience, eat fresh veggies, pick fruit from the trees, and spend time in nature...

Anastasia also shares with us the joy and healing that occurs within us when we finally reunite with our true soul mates...  Before these books, i was independent, ready to prove to myself and the world that i didn't need a man for anything!  I could do anything i wanted to, on my own, without the help of some man that would just ultimately cause me pain and sorrow... :). What a shift!  After reading these books, my whole DNA structure apparently shifted...  

I am so ready to meet my soul mate now, settle on some land together, grow gardens, raise children, raise chickens, create a family, travel, explore, play, laugh and love together.... I see now how we as humans were designed to fully love another human, whether that be intimate or simply a loving friendship...  But we were created for partnership, family, love and intimacy...  I see how my own health has failed when I have not put myself in a position to give and receive this kind of unconditional love with another human being...  I now believe my soul mate exists, and i am willing to do whatever it takes to find him...  I am willing to be the most authentic expression of myself, that will ultimately send the most perfect energy out to the world, in order to call him into me...

As Anastasia shared her secrets with me throughout this series, my own human potential was continually revealed to me...  The possibilities for my own development into an incredibly powerful conscious human being became real to me, i truly felt i could do it...  In fact, i started to see how there was no other way for me to be here, on this earth, at this time, and how not only did i want to be an incredible human being, but it was my duty to become an incredible human being!

The thing about these books, if i can share with you the most important information of all, is to understand that it's not the actual words that you will read...  The information i now have inside of me, of how to raise and educate young children outside of the school system, how to authentically be myself, how to vibrate at the frequency of nature, etc. etc. etc...  These things cannot actually be adequately taught by another human being...  Instead, they are the wisdom that resides in the Universe, in the Energy of Life and Love...  

What these books do, is they change you.  They realign your very DNA to be in alignment with Nature.  They change the way you see yourself, the world, life, and others.  They get into your consciousness, and they shift your perception, so that you can start to see that how the way we are living here on this earth, at this time, is not natural, sustainable, viable, physically healthy or environmentally healthy.  They force you to reconsider your choices and your future. 

Thank you for reading, i hope you find these books somewhere along your own life journey...  

Namaste

Robyn

My Teacher...

I wanted to share today how painful it has been letting go of my teacher....
I tried letting go of him last fall already as well, but i was not quite ready, and came back to him this summer....
This time i will not come back.
This time i must not come back.
The time has come for me to go out and do the work on my own.
Last fall when i left him, i didn't go and do the work.
I went back to my cave and lived my comfortable life as a monk.
Full time contemplation and meditation.
This time i simply must live my life, or i know i will not survive.
I am to go to the land and co-create a magnificent life for myself, and for my future family.
I use I and co-create in the same sentence, which seems a conundrum, but i do so with intention...
For it is only me alone right now, but i know he is coming to me.
I will co-create with him, there is no other way.
I now see i didn't read the Anastasia Cedar series three time for simple pleasure ...
It was actually entering my brain and changing my cells.
There is no other way for me to do this, it truly must be a co-creation....
And while i am searching for him, and allowing him to find me, i will practice, i will study, i will learn, and i will continue to become the highest version of myself.
I will spend more time outdoors to become even healthier and heartier.
I will continue my permaculture course.
I will continue to write and make music.
I will continue to practice kombucha, kimchi and kefir.
I will practice making raw butter and raw cheese.
I will make us a patchwork quilt for our bed!!
I will gather supplies and furniture for our new home together.
I will find us our land to co-create together on, and start to lay the foundation for a cabin.
I will plant us flowers, and start to plot out our garden.
And this is all because i have had the courage to leave my teacher....
My teacher was perfect, he brought me here to where i am.
But it has been time to leave for quite some time now, and i have been fighting it.
I didn't want to lose his strength, his awareness, his compassion, his love.
I see now it is time for me to harness all i have been taught, and trust myself to move forward with my life....
He will always be in me, he will always be a part of me, this is no trivial statement.
If i never leave him, i will never have the life i came here to live.
He has shared his light with me, and now it is time for me to share that light with the world.
In many ways, if i have fully been taught anything of truth by him, then to stay would go against everything i have learned.
I have held on for so long!  
I am moving in the next few days, out to the country.  
By near to the new year, i will have another border collie in my life.
My partner is seeking for me right now.
Life is good and wonderful!
I will go now and become myself the teacher that i have needed so badly, and yet have slowly over time been myself becoming.
Namaste

Interests vs. Passion

I had another fairly phenomenal breakthrough yesterday.....

I watched a TedTalk on "why we will inevitably fail in our careers"....

The premise is that almost none of us have the courage to follow our truest dreams...  If you've read my prior posts, you will know how much in the forefront of my consciousness this idea is right now...

What the speaker tells us is that if we do not have the courage to follow our dreams, our careers will almost be guaranteed to be destined for failure....  But this is merely background information for you, this part of the talk was not where I had my breakthrough....  as you might remember, i had come to my own conclusion on this exact fact a mere three days earlier...

What my breakthrough was was this:

The speaker said that we all have many many interests...  Of those interests, we only have one true passion..  The mix up occurs because we cannot determine our truest passion, or we do not have the courage or confidence to pursue it, so we end up following one of our many interests instead.  He said for every 20, 30, or even 40 interests, we only actually have one true passion! Our duty, therefore, is to determine what our true passion is, so that we can offer up that energy to the world.  For by offering up that energy to the world, we are truly giving the world a most precious gift.  Imagine if every single person was pursuing their passion!  Imagine the happiness and wonderment that would over take the entire earth.....

How incredible...  This is exactly my dilemma i have been in!  I mean, this literally describes my conundrum perfectly....  I want to sing, play guitar, write music, write songs, write poetry, write blogs, i want to plant gardens, herbs, vegetables, pick ripe fruits, live on a fruit farm, practice permaculture, learn about cacao and carob beans, forage for roots, run a wine bar, grow grapes, make raw cheeses, milk cows, feed chickens, collect their eggs, play with border collies, live on the ocean, build and live in a Cobb house, live in community, write a book, find my soul mate, create raw food desserts for friends, cook incredible healthy meals for my family, pick wild berries, learn about bees, raise goats, practice aquaponics, have a child, homeschool my child, build a cabin from scratch, build a greenhouse, build an outdoor sauna, teach yoga classes, go hiking, continue my own yoga practice, deepen my meditation, connect with others, live in a food forest, live completely off our own land, live in a yurt, create an online journal of some kind, create a complete paradise on earth to live in....

I mean, this is just the start...  These things came off the top of my head without even thinking about it.  What I'm trying to say, is that I've got a mess of dreams and interests running through my head at all times...  And i lie here, or sit here, or walk around, and try to fathom which one of them i should pursue...  They all seem so realistic and completely possible...  But i do nothing, because i cannot for the life of me determine which one i should pursue!

What i now realize, is that these things are all my interests...  They are ideas i can read up on, dabble in, have conversations about, take workshops on, bring into my life as they come to me...  But they cannot all be my passions!  Or, literally, i will continue to live out the rest of my life without being able to pick a clear direction...  Or i will pick a direction, and i will fail, because if it isn't my truest hearts yearning, or my ultimate passion, i will not have the energy, stamina or perseverance to truly bring my dream to fruition....

So I've got to figure it out.  Now.  I've got to learn what my passion is, and then I've got to go for it!  There is no more waiting around for my passion to come to me, I've got to run towards it with arms wide open....  Shouting from the mountaintops how i yearn for it's creation in my life...

Today it hit me...  In an intentional permaculture community, they are creating nearly all of the interests that i have in my life....   Especially when located down, they are often living in food forests, tiny houses, outdoor kitchens, playing music together, developing blog sites to share what they are creating, writing journals of their work, homeschooling children, building eco houses, practicing yoga, and truly, doing nearly everything that i have listed as my general life interests....

So maybe my passion isn't one thing, maybe my passion is simply to create, in all ways, in all areas of my life.  I mean, i literally wrote this out mere days ago, but i thought it was unrealistic, and too far-fetched to actually contemplate or pursue....  But i don't think it is anymore....  I just didn't yet trust myself to fully realize what i really wanted for this lifetime....

I want everything, i want all my interests, but my truest most authentic passion is to live off the land.  No more groceries purchased from the store, no more houses full of drywall and paint, no more fake floors, fake wood, and fake stone.  No more vegetables flown in from across the world, no more berries packaged in plastic containers.  No more lettuce in plastic tubs, and no more elastic bands around my onions.  No more eggs in cartons, no more cheese in recyclable containers....  I have never fully believed i could live this way!  I've convinced myself it wasn't possible, it was just a dream, or it would be too difficult to attain.....

My dream is to find a community and co-create.  I want to blog, write articles for journals, write course descriptions, update our website, converse with prospective clients and customers, create materials and handouts for upcoming courses.  I want to shout out to the world how amazing of a space we have, so all can come and join us and celebrate.  I want to sit around a campfire, singing at the top of my lungs, playing my guitar, and sharing the music i have created....

And i want to meet my soul mate....  I now realize, i could not and would not have met him here in the world....  I can only meet him precisely where i am authentically living my truest self, the highest version of me, and the life i came here to live.  That is where he will find me.  He will find me covered in mud, somewhere warm, sweaty from work, and smelly from chores.  And i will be perfect as i am.

My home is not in the city, my life is not not centred around grocery stores, coffee shops and yoga studios...  My life is in the forest, surrounded by nature, listening to the crickets and insects as i fall asleep....  I don't want to listen to parties, and screams and drunken laughter....  I don't want to hear traffic, sirens and engines...  I don't want to smell cigarette smoke and fast food restaurants.  I don't want to walk through neighbourhoods with rows of houses...  The thing is, all of that is fine, but it is simply not my passion.  My passion is in the country, with little goats, and baby chickens and tiny seedlings turning into strong plants as the seasons inevitably move along.....

I've never fit into the city, i just never really understood why.  I knew all my interests, and i pursued them all, visited intentional communities, spent winters in food forests, and spent vacations with like minded people...  But i just never really considered that i could truly live out my life this way...  Or maybe i did, somewhere deep inside me, but i was too scared to pursue my dream.  I didn't really think i could do it.  I didn't really think i had the strength to walk away from everything i had ever known, and start a new life over again.

I don't live like other other people do.  I have no phone, no computer, no possessions, only a few pieces of clothing, and yet, i still try to fit in here, always trying to somehow fit in.....  I can see now it would have never worked, i would have spent my entire lifetime trying to fit in to a life i was never meant to fit into...

I have come so close to this realization, i now see, so many times before, but i was always missing an important aspect...  I was missing the connection with like minded people, to share this life with.  I have lived all over the world trying to create this vision for myself, but i never realized i could join in with others on this journey.  I don't need to go at everything alone!  i need support from my soul mate and from others like myself.  I don't need to try to convert anyone or change anyone.  I simply need to be myself, and find a community that appreciates the me that i am.

I want to be warm.  I want to see my skin tanned brown.  I want to feel the sun on my face, i want to feel the salt water lapping around my feet.  I want to feel like i belong, that i am not a wild creature trying to be tamed by the world.  I want to walk barefoot wherever i go.  I want to pick fruit for breakfast.  I want to sleep with my beloved under the stars......  and i want to sleep with my Beloved under the stars...

My own intuition....

Suffice it to say, i had a massive epiphany somewhere about 6 am this morning, after my approximate one to two hours of  early morning sleep....  I now only need about 150 more of these hours of sleep to catch up from my time living in this house.... I've started to coin them "the lost hours", which really doesn't do them justice, as clearly they were perfectly ordained for these exact epiphanies to emerge...
Back in my pre-spiritual-path days, which are clearly still spiritual, so i would be more accurate to say: back in the days before i became aware of my own spiritual path, i did not ask or seek for advice, at all.  I'm pretty sure i thought i knew everything, and who knows, maybe in my own way i did.....  Somewhere along my path though, a teacher once inspired me to start seeking advice from friends, as they might often have a more clear insight into my own shit, than i could actually have for myself.  This really made sense for me, and over the past years, i have really learned how to listen to another's take on my life, where I'm at, and the current situations i am finding myself possibly stuck in....  It has become easier and easier to listen to my own blocks and barriers emerge through the voice of those around me...
What i realized early this morning, is that this practice has served me perfectly, and now i am ready to set it free as well. I had this moment where i could perfectly see how accurate my own intuition of my experience has become, and how another's perception of my experience, will never be able to piece together all of the subtle nuances of my journey in order to make a fully informed piece of advice...  Only i can do that for myself!
All throughout this recent job interview process, i have received the most amazing advice from my friends. They took incredible time and care to ensure that i was not compromising myself, diminishing myself, or acting foolishly out of old patterns and beliefs. The thing is, looking back, i can see now that every time an intuition came up for me, i would do my call-a-friend routine, stuff my intuition down, label it as fear, and then proceed to play out my friends advice.
The truth of the job interview process, is that i didn't think it was a right fit for me from the start, and had i listened to my very first initial intuition, i probably wouldn't have even sent in my resume.
I am looking for a career where i can live out my hearts dreams and longings....  This might even be a mother, or a a wife supporting her partner, or it could be the CFO of an incredibly conscious  company or business....
The truth of the matter, is that my heart and my work must be in alignment with one another, in order for me to be truly successful.  This might not be the case for everyone, i have no idea, but for me, it is most certainly the case.  Since i left my career as a raw food chef, i have no longer known what my truest hearts longing is even for, so how can i be considering employment options without this necessary crucial information?
Yes, I've got to pay the bills, i do realize that, even if many of my friends might not see that i do in fact realize that....  :). So i guess what I've learned is this:  i need some kind of work right now that i enjoy, it may not be my truest life's purpose, but it will at least not go against my truest heart's longing....
I believe i can find this, now that i understand the alignment that has to take place.  I mean, i could literally clean yoga studios for all i cared, as simply being in such beautiful grounded spaces is at least  more in alignment of my hearts yearning, than any $60,000 career i can think of right now...
I've realized that what a friend might term as fear, truly only i can sift through the path of my life, and determine if it really is so, or if it is actual authentic intuition coming up for me.
Right now, in this moment, I'm willing to wager that with this new clarity, i will see that most of it is actually true intuition.  I mean, truly, how ridiculous is it that i almost took on a job i didn't even want, simply to prove to my friends that i was not living in fear, and that i was not sabotaging my own life and happiness!
The truth is that no one else can know my path but me.  Yet these past years of seeking advice were also perfect.  They allowed my ego to calm down, stop thinking it knew it all, and open up to the love of the friends surrounding me...  I also don't believe this new awareness means i will no longer listen to my friends, for sure i still will!  But i will listen to myself first.  Just because my actions look a certain way to those around me, does not make it the truth.  I am making the most perfect choices possible in every given moment, in order to unfold my own awakening process.....  This is actually quite phenomenal!
I wrote to a friend this morning that i had fully surrendered my life over to God many years ago, and this is the reality for me...  So maybe others are in a different place of surrender....  I don't know their path, and i don't know their experience or their truth.  All i can know is my own.  And my own experience is that God speaks to me directly through my intuition, and my practice now is to listen very very carefully, and learn all that i need to learn in every moment.
Right now i know this: my hearts longing is to live in the quiet of the country, surrounded by forest and wildlife...  I want to play my guitar as loud as i like, i want to sing at the top of my lungs to the trees.  I want to sweep the snow off my porch with a broom, and chop wood for my fire as the sun sets......
I have been searching for my soul mate for coming on 6 years now....  And truly, i have been searching for him since i was a little girl....  Today i choose to trust my intuition, and go to where my truest hearts desire is...  He will find me there.

Conditional Awakening.....

I realized today that every single part of this journey is about awakening....
That might seem ridiculously obvious, and even to my own self it sounds so...  ridiculously obvious.  But tonight i had a direct experience of it....  A dear friend had written this out to me only a day or two before, and i had been pondering it over the hours that had since passed by....
The tenants in the suite below me do not sleep, they simply don't sleep.  They stay up all night laughing and talking, and hence i now stay up all night as well.  I've had to learn to be ok with that, when i am much more used to getting a rested sleep and living in quiet places....  It's 3:44 am as i type this, and they are still downstairs going strong...
My direct experience tonight, was a simple and complete understanding that to the extent that i can be ok with what is happening around me, this will be the extent of my current awakening.  An awakened Robyn, sitting in the perfection of a sunrise, the glory of a sunset, or the wonderment of the ocean surf, is not of much use to the world....  But a Robyn, living in mediocre conditions at best, being in and with the world around her, sitting in the fray of life and not being shaken, experiencing all the highs and lows of life and letting them be as they are, that is the Robyn that i came here to find...  That is the Robyn that i came here to become, and by becoming, embody, and by embodying, transcend.
And yet even transcend isn't quite right.  For i can now see that there is nothing to transcend.  It is an unfurling of my own perfection that has always been there.  It is a throwing off of circumstantial enlightenment.  It is an accepting of everything as it is, and being able to sit in that space of perfection, and not have to change one thing.
I realized tonight that i have been a circumstantial yogi.  My union with God, life, others, Nature, Universe, myself, my Self....  All of it has been based on how i felt in the moment, how easily i was able to maintain my equanimity in the face of the fires burning around me.  When the fire got too hot, i would remove myself, and find a cooler spot.  When the noise got to loud, i would remove myself, and find a quieter spot.  When life got too problematic, i would remove myself, and find a place of peace.  When relationship got too intense, i would remove myself, and find a place of calm.
I wasn't being those things myself!  I wasn't perfecting those qualities in myself by simply staying put.  I was instead finding those qualities outside of myself, and then feeling like i was those qualities, because i had surrounded myself with them!
How intense of a realization!
Today i wrote out to a friend, all of the things that have happened to me in the past 30 days...  By writing them out, i was able to clearly see that this could not be a coincidence....  I have truly been in the fire, and for the first time in my life, i have not run or even slowly walked away from it.  And of course, they weren't happening to me anyway, they were happening around me, and i happened to be in the right place at the right time, in order to facilitate my awakening.
I have been attempting to manifest abundance in my life for the past few months.  Prior to these months, i has either been in abundance, or when i wasn't, i was completely fine and comfortable to live the life of a spiritual pauper...  I believe i even found some comfort in the letting go of the material world, and having nothing to deal with or worry about...  Now freeing!
Once again, i was a circumstantial yogi.  How easy to not actually be in the world, and feel awakened!  How different it is, to have a home, friends, community, a job, a life, a partner, and still be able to maintain this idea of being awakened. For even being awakened is another story isn't it.....it's just another idea that we've labeled as good, and then assigned a definition to it.
Tonight I'm making the choice to let all of those words go, they are no longer necessary in my life... My ego no longer needs this definition of who Robyn is, because it might be better, or more spiritual, or a higher path, or more holy, or even more true.
I came here to directly experience myself, others, God in the physical form, and all of God's incredible creations. Anything else is just another tale i am telling myself.  Anything else is just another set of words that allows me to diminish my experience here, and keep me out of the subtleties of this direct experience.  Pretty much anytime i open my mouth, unless i have no story attached to what i am saying, i am removing myself completely from the whole reason i am here to begin with.
It feels like this is as good of a time as any to choose to stay in a continual direct experience.  No more finding it in nature, or love, or intimacy, or connection, or community, or yoga, or work....  There is nothing to find!  I mean, it's literally sitting right here inside of me, available for me to claim at any and every given moment...
The only true pain i have ever caused myself, that was not just another story, was the pain i have felt by moving away from my own Self.  Letting circumstances dictate how able i was to directly experience the perfection of my being in every moment.  Allowing life to come between my self and my Self.  Should I choose to never allow this separation again, would that be labelled as enlightenment, or awakened or conscious?  Maybe so, but as of late, i am finding these words very boring and inefficient at explaining this process of connecting to our Source in every single moment.
I am feeling like it is only ego that ever needs to assign a word, or a definition, or an idea.  I truly don't care what i am, what i care about right now, in this moment, is that i am here to stay.  There is no more avoiding, no more procrastinating, no more trying to flee from the experience of this life.  When i am in the fire, i will stay in the fire.  When i am not in the fire, and it is coming near to me once again, I will not move away.

Self-Love......

It's october 1st!
Winter by my standards has pretty much set in as of today....  Considering i wore a hat, socks and mittens on my walk to yoga this morning, I'd say I'm not too far off.....
I have a story to tell you today, about self-love..... It's about the ego too, and maybe even a little bit about the mind as well.
I almost didn't go to yoga today.
I was tired, sore, my back hurt, i felt queazy, i had a headache and i was tucked into my warm bed with my pajamas still on, at 9 am.....
I also ate a bit too large of a breakfast, considering i had a 2-hour Mysore-style practice ahead of me by 10:15 am....
So i fell asleep, why wouldn't i?  I was honouring my body, my emotions, my mind, and i wasn't pushing myself too far or too hard.  Hooray for Robyn!  Right?
Well, the truth is, I've committed to this Mysore practice twice a week for the next 2 months, and we are one month into it already.  The container that is created each tuesday and thursday morning, i now realize, is something my ego wants to hide from....  It doesn't want me to be fully liberated, fully awake, and fully conscious...
It's not that i don't respect my ego, i do.  It's that sometimes it doesn't quite speak the truth.....
This morning it was fibbing, big time.
And i almost believed it.
At 10:04 i awoke with a start, and immediately knew where i needed to be... But my mind kept on playing it's tricks!  I decided 11 minutes was not enough time to get to yoga, and walking in late was not an option.....  My crazy mind!
Thank God i saw the truth about 5 seconds later, jumped out of bed, ran out the door, and walked into the practice room in perfect time....
And what a practice! It was day 1 of the new monthly sequence, and it is a tough one this time around...  Once i was in it though, truly present, i knew there was no other place i needed to be, and certainly not back in my bed...
So how do we know the truth in each moment?  Because there are times when we need to be gentle with ourselves, wrap ourselves up in blankets, and leave the world for a period of time....
How do we know which moment is which?
I guess what I've learned for me regarding yoga in winter is this:
Just go Robyn. Go.  If once you get there, you need to go home, then go home.   There is very seldom where a 10 minute walk in the fresh air is going to have adverse consequences, and I'd hazard to say, that nearly all the time, it would be beneficial for me at least in some way in that moment...
To really top things off, my dearest friend, upon hearing my story, has told me that she will be picking me up each tuesday morning from now on!  I mean, it's the truth.....  Maybe i should get my own butt out of my cozy covers and into the winter...all on my own personal strength.  Or maybe, a friend sees that i could use some help, and i for once do not resist......

Trust.....

There are a lot of worthwhile things to place our trust in.....
Our partners, our children, our employers, our friends, our parents, our vision of God....
But what about our bodies?
This is what really hit me today, i mean, big time.
You see, I've been in bed for 2 days, and even before that, continually struggling with the most intense lower back pain i could possibly imagine....
The only thing seemingly worse than these past two days, would be if i literally could not get out of bed...  As of right now, it is more in the realm of: possible or impossible in any given moment.
For the past month or so, I've been continuing to go to my daily Sattva yoga class, not telling my teacher or my classmates what has really been going on for me, what kind of pain i have actually been in....
Because the thing is, I've got to take responsibility for this injury.  What could i be doing differently in my life, which emotions am i carrying that need to be set free, am i over-doing it in yoga, am i trying to prove to myself or others that i am stronger or more flexible than i actually am.....
All of these are valid considerations....
Even though i understand there is no such thing as right or wrong on a spiritual path, there is still the idea that i could do things differently, and therefore, possibly give myself a more peaceful life experience in this body.
For example, i could buy myself a desk and a chair instead of lying on my bed to type all the time, this could make a significant difference to the health of my back...  I would have to make a new choice though, one i have clearly not been ready to make.
Which emotions am i carrying....  For example, I am not working right now, and i am a little more aware of  financial pressure than i have been previously....  I am letting go of my former career as a raw food chef, and just last night deleted my professional blog site and work contact email....  The lower back is where we carry our fears of being able to support ourselves in the world, and right now, I'm definitely not doing my best job of it.  The thing is, letting go of one career, and opening up to a new one, is for me, as big of a transition and life shift as my divorce was 6 years ago now....
Yoga...  I definitely push myself to my limit.  Today for the first time, i held back from the more advanced poses, and yes, in only one day my back now feels significantly less strained.
What have i been trying to prove?
I can see that all of the above really come down to my ego....  Clearly, I am still trying to prove something to myself and/or others.  It appears i do want to change my life, and yet i also don't want to change it badly enough to actually follow through with the actions required....
This must change if i am going to release my fears of abundance, fears of supporting myself, fears of not being good enough, and generally, just all my fears!  I feel like I've hit the bottom where truly, the pain to stay in this fire, feels much more painful than what it would take to rise out of the ashes.
Earlier tonight, i had just finished my dinner of baked happy chicken (hence, i am no longer too interested in being a raw food chef....) and i felt thirsty.  My first thought was that i should not drink with a meal, as it washes away our digestive enzymes and causes bloating and poor assimilation.
Then i had the most amazing thought....  Why would I feel thirsty if it was not healthy for me to drink in that moment?  Why would my body send me that information if it wasn't right or true?
And then, why would my back be in so much pain, if it wasn't trying to communicate something very important to me?
And then i realized it was time to start trusting myself.  Fully trusting myself and my body, my heart and my soul.
Books and information are fine, as a way to help interpret my own body language and signs...  But to take on other people's ideas and opinions as my own, that can be very dangerous....  To take on their truth, no matter how sound their evidence, as my own truth, all of a sudden seems like the most ridiculous exercise i have ever taken on for myself.
I have a second job interview this wednesday at 11:30 am, and i really really want this job.  I want to support myself, heal myself, trust myself, i think I'd be awesome at this job, and i also just really like these guys that run the company....
Yet as i study each day to prepare myself for their potential questions,  i find i am getting more and more into my head on the matter, and more and more fears are coming up..
Yet when i am quiet, and i trust myself, and i am not causing myself or my body any unnecessary pain, then i can realize that surely all will be perfect as it unfolds in that moment.
I will either know the right answers, or i will not.  It is very simple.
I will either get the job or i will not, and the most perfect outcome will come forth.
It is time to truly start listening to myself.  Now.
If I am thirsty, i should drink.
If I am hungry, i should eat.
If I am in pain, i should rest.
If i am stressed, i should ask the right questions to move from that place.
If I am in fear, i should do what needs to be done to release the fear.
We were given these natural bodily reactions and emotions for a reason!
I am ready to let go of all of my knowledge, and truly listen to the language of my own body.

Day of Surrender....

Today was one of my nothing days.....i simply allowed myself to do whatever I wanted to do...

This mostly entailed lying in bed, eating almonds and raw cacao, reading a dear friends book, and watching David Deida videos....

I learned more about myself, life, God, relationship and men than i ever could have had i kept myself busy all day long...

And ultimately, these are the things i am most trying to fathom as of late.

I recently met a soul mate.

For 10 days we connected at a soul level.

David Deida taught me today something i had already known, but needed a reminder of:

In a first stage relationship, the other person gives to us our validity and our beauty; our worthiness.

In a second stage relationship, we no longer need the other person.  This is where I had been for the past 5 years of my life, up until about 1 or so years ago.  At this level of relationship, we do not trust another to bring us to God, or to take us somewhere further than we could go alone.  This is often because our own fears and limitations are attracting to us the same fears and limitations in another.  At this stage of relationship, we are proving to ourselves we can go at it alone, we do not need anyone else....  We are complete and whole as we are.

If we are fully able to transcend this second stage relationship, and truly open to another as God Consciousness, a whole new world opens for us....  We move into a third stage relationship.

I have longed for this for some time, and i had never found it.

This time i found it.

For 10 mere days, i was opened up to Love and God and Consciousness.  Love moved through me like a current, i was on fire, i was an explosion waiting to burst forth into a new reality of life and love.

But i ran away from it.

I have run before.

Today on my nothing day, i was ready to face this.

If one wants to understand God Consciousness, the masculine and Divine feminine, there are few better to turn to than David Deida.

This is what i learned today.....

I must trust my own heart.  When I am truly open, available and ready to receive God through another, only my heart can speak the language i need to hear.  My mind cannot, and ultimately, it will prevent me from hearing the words i need to hear.

Once i have true faith in myself, my willingness and readiness to receive, my heart will point the perfect path to Truth.

Once i understood this, i was finally able to surrender to these past 10 days.....

Since I ran from this love, i have felt pain.  I have wanted to reach out to him, claim him once again, convince myself i could open further if only i would try harder, and more than anything, i have wanted to feel his love once again...... I wanted to feel his warmth, his connection, his soul, his spirit, his manifestation as God.

Without him, and all he gave me, i have felt lonely, barren, cold, alone, isolated, withdrawn.

He opened me.  He claimed me.  He tore me apart.  I asked for all of it.

And yet, here at the end of a literal day, i find i am none of those things.  I find that space within me that he filled with his love, and i open it up once again to God.

When a conscious man claims a woman, she is taken somewhere new.  When that consciousness leaves her, she feels a void, and this void is terrifying.  This void is that feeling when we first entered the world, that moment where we simply wanted nothing more than to return to the cocoon of our mother's womb.

It feels like it would have been better to have never felt this love, the fleeting glimpse seems more painful than the lack there-of.

Yet in some much deeper place of Truth, i know that is not the case....  I know my heart has been stripped and healed by Love, i know my soul has been torn and stitched back together by Love.

And at the end of a nothing day, i know my heart spoke the Truth.

I accept the ending, just as i accepted the beginning.

I accept the empty vast chasm in my heart, longing to be filled once again, just as i accepted it's fulfillment by another's love for me.

When God Consciousness is presented to me some day once again, I will have a similar decision to make....  These decisions can only be made in the immediate moment, and i will once again have to trust my heart that the consciousness i am being offered is truly right, pure, holy and true.

If it isn't, i will have to let go, and once again, I will have to move through the pain of loss, and once again, I will have to decide to trust my heart over my head.

Because my head wants my lover back.

My head wants a strong shoulder to lean my face upon.

My head wants a warm body to stretch out upon and feel the radiating warmth of.

My head is scared that the more times i walk away from this, the greater will be my chances of it never being offered to me again.

And yet, the Truth shows me this is not so.  The Truth shows me just the opposite.  Every man i give my heart to, is just a little more conscious.  Every man i meet, is just a little more available to meet me in his entirety.  Every man i meet is able to give me of himself just a little more fully.

And this is solely because i myself am blooming into those qualities myself.

And so on this nothing day, i surrender even more fully to God, and this journey of life i find myself a pilgrim of...  I surrender even more fully to the masculine which is Consciousness, and i accept the ever changing whirling tumbling of unrecognizable feelings, emotions and idiosyncrasies that is the feminine of Me....

Today i accept that all men are perfect, yet the most perfect man for me, is out there somewhere, diligent and perfect in maintaining his openness and readiness for our union.

Today i learned that inside of a relationship, God Consciousness does not have a tipping point....  The tipping point must occur before our union is possible.

That point where the union with the masculine and feminine becomes inevitable, must occur before the two come into contact....  To try to prepare for this union, once the opposite poles of the masculine and feminine are magnetized and within each other's radius, is perfectly epitomized by the Chaos Theory: it is completely impossible to predict or control the outcome.

And i want to control the outcome,  i don't want the Chaos Theory applied to my direct experience of God Consciousness.  I want to know that i am ready to meet this union like a warrior, i have prepared my whole life for this opening, and i will not be distracted by any parts of the life occurring around me....

I want my partner to be in this same state of union: directly experiencing me as God, without distraction, fears, parts of his heart tucked aside for other more seemingly crucial current life circumstances.

Can we give all of ourselves to another human being?

Can we be truly ready to give all of ourselves to another human being?

Can we be in this state of perpetual motion, continually moving closer to our Beloved.....

Can we risk pain and loneliness, and the terrifying emptiness of the void, to release another, when our heart tells us it must be so....

Can we sit with this fissure throughout our entire body, bleeding and gaping wounds for all to see, in order to risk ourselves for Conscious Love?

I feel nauseous, i feel empty, i feel paralyzed, i feel sore, i feel winded.....

I feel like 10 days of conscious love was more revealing to me than 8 years of personal seeking on my own for God.

If 10 days can break me open, imagine a lifetime of this.

I am sorry, my Beloved, that i had to move away....,  i am sorry my Beloved that Truth spoke the words neither of us wanted to hear.....  i am sorry my Beloved that Divine Time was not Our Time.

I would like to be your soul friend.  I would like to know that your path is unfolding perfectly before you.  I would like to know that our hearts will always remain open, the Tipping Point long behind us..... The Chaos Theory wildly propelling us forward.