The Yearnings of Insomnia.......

over time, I've learned to welcome these nights
and no longer push them away
enjoying the complete and utter silence
the beating of my heart
the sound of the odd car, passing through the night
these nights always come as a surprise
nothing i can put my finger on to have brought them on
maybe cacao, the maca, or chaga...  or who knows what other superfood I've eaten that day!  designed and selected for some kind of adaptogenic effect on my body:)
but really, it's never actually those things...  the next night i will sleep like a baby after eating a double portion cacao brownie!
so I've decided over time, that some nights, my soul just wants my company
some nights, she doesn't want to be alone
even though my mind plays it's tricks on her
and even though some days she would rather i had no mind at all!
there are other times, like last night
where she wants to listen to all my thoughts
take notes, and gently tug at the seems of all i deem true
she wants to literally embody the yearnings for my lover
the prayers for my father
the not yet manifest dreams for this life
to acquaint herself with my longings, and scream, yes!
to give her input, have a real say in the outcome
and i feel her, during these long quiet nights
the hours, the minutes, the seconds, slowly ticking by
i feel her caring for me, healing me, blessing me, loving me
when not another soul in the entire world is even thinking of me
there she is, massaging the entire length of my body, inside and out
i feel her tickling my skin, touching my eyelashes, kissing my cheeks
during these long nights, wide awake and so very alive
every part of my body is magnified
i practice my tonglen meditation
i breathe in the darkness around me
the pain, the fear, the chaos, the destruction
and i breathe out the lightness
the goodness, the freedoms, the love and the creation
for that is what we all are
and that is what these long nights are to me
a remembering
of who i really am
who you really are
what this world really is
what this life really is
and i keep conscious company with my soul
and i know she appreciates my time
like a lover
that stays up all night with their lover
cold compresses, kisses on the forehead, sips of honey tea, light massages to the temples
pure compassion, pure love,  pure caring
that is what i feel
during these long silent nights
where the nothingness i hear, is You
where the constant beating of my heart
for nine straight hours
five hundred and forty minutes
thirty two thousand and four hundred seconds!!!
that is how many steps i took
closer
to
You
last
night

"Finding My Power...." Poem

i found my strength
my truth
my purpose
sitting there
quietly
waiting
inside my belly
where that hard knot had been
that tied me
to pain
withdrawal
running
fear
inadequacy
shame
unworthiness
not enough
too much
always too much
and what glory to find it!
i had searched everywhere
every country
town
cafe
vacant dirt road
along the way
to You
and there it was
so still
and quiet
yet bold
how bold!
when i finally saw it's face
it was softer than i had thought
prettier
less course
less sure of itself
than i had imagined
but so pure
so holy
so true
and alive!
throbbing
this whole time
frustrated
at my lack of respect
my lack of attention
my complete
lack of connection
to it's very existence
yet there it sat
the whole while through
while i scavenged outside of myself
for the discards of others
to give me my strength
my power is not mighty
and my power is not fierce
it is simply there
ready to connect
with me
and when we connect
all knowledge comes to me
there is no looking
outside of my self
it is all right there
no one can hurt me
coerce me
scare me
or pull me out of my truth
for once i connect
to this strength
that sits in my belly
i AM truth!
my life is truth
my words are truth
my actions
my thoughts
my deeds
all truth
fear no longer comes to me
fear of doing wrong
thinking wrong
saying wrong
being wrong
shame is averted
and grace is alerted
i feel my belly
softening now
hollowing out it's sharp edges
dissolving
it's hardness
my whole body softens
as i find my strength
as i link to my power
that i pushed away
down deep in my bowels
that i took a lifetime
to pull back to the surface
no more fear
no more shame
guilt
remorse
regret
all gone
i link
and i become whole
wholly perfect
and wholly true
and wholly the woman
i came here to be

Poem: "Letting Go....."

letting go

sitting here in silence
by myself
i feel my heart
it's beat
inside my chest
my stomach
my toes
and i feel you
your hands
your cheeks
your tears
your heart
beating with mine
your blood intermingles
with mine
and we become one
you spread through my body
you travel through my veins
to parts of me
not even i was aware of
i feel you everywhere
i am not with you
and i never will be again
but you are a part of me
i cannot extract
the you
from me

I danced last night, again!

i danced last night
and i begged and i pleaded
for freedom
and not just for me
for my heart felt all
but for every single soul
occupying this same space
occupying this same world
for i know
the freedom you seek
is the very freedom i seek
and we are on the same road
and we are holding hands, all of us
and the only way there is together

i danced last night
for a revolution
of change
to take over our hearts
and turn this massive lot of decay
into the rich black mulch
of worms and roots and shoots and leaves
i know that awaits with time
that will grow us our pure food
that will grow us our pure minds
and grow us our pure hearts

i danced last night
for you
because you're waiting
just for me
and you're so fucking beautiful
and you're so patient
and your skin is so clear
and mine is so scarred
and your heart is so light
and mine can be so heavy....
and I'm taking so long
my road meanders and curves and twists
and still you wait

i danced last night
for You
because you watch my every move
you know my every breath
you contemplate my every thought
and still you sit and watch
and wait
for my full unveiling

i danced last night
for my broken heart
that bleeds and shudders and cracks
under the weight of all it knows
under the weight of all it sees
under the letting go
and under the holding
under the seeking
and under the finding
under the knowing
that nothing it holds is real

i danced last night
i pounded the earth
i lay on the cool surface of floor
and i cried and i wailed
for the sheer conundrum of joy
and sorrow
of knowing this pain is
the exact reason i am here
i danced last night
for the sheer vast spaces
that occupy the openings around my heart
that pulse and throb and spin with You

i danced last night
for the letting go of my past
and the claiming of my future
the fear of starting over
the longing for that which-was
i danced last night
because i had no choice
i danced last night
because the covers were so warm
but You sat me up, and You gently tugged them from my body

i danced last night
for every man i've offered a piece of my soul
for every man that claimed his piece of my heart
i honor them, and i send them love, and i send them grace
and thank-you's and i-love-you's and i-miss-you's
i danced last night
for every man that has ever touched this body
that has ever slowly unbuttoned my shirt
while i smiled and giggled and teased
lain his head on my chest
kissed away my tears
rubbed his hands along my stomach
my thighs, my hips, my back
your love was always perfect
even when it was too rough, and too wild and i cried

Cancer & Blue Smoothies

Blue Smoothies?  Really? 
And I was just getting used to Green Smoothies:)

But blueberries are my all time favorite food in the whole wide world, and on top of it, we're coming into wild blueberry season in Canada.... So this is it, time to get your mega doses of antioxidants in for the year!

As some of you know, I've been working with Alina of Alina's Green Smoothies here in Calgary these past few weeks....  What started out as a sleep-over, turned into a summer collaboration:)

Lately we've been experimenting with a new smoothie for the repertoire - Blueberry!!  Right now there are four main flavors at Alina's Green Smoothies, my personal favorite being the Choco-Maca Mint...  (maybe because I'm 43 years old, just entering pre-pre-pre-menopause, and maca is a hormonal balancer?  I seriously crave maca, all day long....)

But really, Alina's smoothies are barely a smoothie, seriously, they are so chock-full of herbs, super-foods, roots, shoots and fruits...  I would prefer the term "elixir", but apparently this won't sell as well to the mainstream...  really? :)  I love the idea of an elixir: a healing magical potion meant to extend the life of all those who partake.  wow!  I love it, I mean, really, this is exactly what Alina is up to here.

The blue smoothie recipe base is mostly organic blueberries, freshly made sprouted almond milk, various organic greens, all kinds of super-foods, baby spinach and....  well, the rest is secret:)

But the thing is this...  This is one expensive smoothie!  I mean, all of our ingredients here are fresh, organic, homemade, living, whole, ripe, well, you get the picture.... There are over 2 cups of organic blueberries in one smoothie alone, and 2 cups of freshly sprouted almond milk, which takes us 24 hours to soak, sprout and blend...  This is a true labor of love and dedication from the very first step of making up the weekly grocery list, to the finished product.  I can't even begin to guess how many hours actually go into one smoothie, each one is made in its own individual batch.....

But still, $14 a smoothie?  Yes!  This is not just a smoothie, this is pure alchemy in action:)

At first we wanted to start justifying, you know:  come on, our smoothies are worth it, they really are!

But it doesn't work that way does it..  I mean, almost no one is going to buy our $14 smoothie just because it tastes incredible, and is packed with more nutrition than most people get in a month.  (Seriously, I'm not joking, I think this is true...)

So how do we monetarily quantify the benefits of this smoothie?

I mean, we can't even say:  $14 is nothing compared to the cost of cancer if we don't take care of our bodies...

You know why?  Because here in Alberta, it is absolutely free to have cancer!  Absolutely completely free.
Chemotherapy is free, Radiation is free, Hospital time is free, Operations are free, Hospice care is free....

I mean, what a sweet deal right?

Why would we spend $14 a day on a blend of phyto-nutrients, super-foods, garden fresh herbs, ripe organic apples, fistfuls of spinach, and bunches of gorgeous kale.....?  Does it even make any sense to spend our hard earned money on prevention instead of simply dealing with the seemingly inevitability of cancer?

I say seemingly inevitable, because now nearly 50% of us are going to get cancer in this lifetime...  (http://www.cancer.ca/en/cancer-information/cancer-101/cancer-statistics-at-a-glance/?region=on)

What are we going to do...  I mean, really, I'm serious:  what are we going to do?  Are we going to continue on doing the same things that got us to this point?  Pesticides, herbicides, fungicides, GMO, mono-crops, ...  Most of us get it already, the earth is poisoned, and by our very own hands...  And I'm sure most of us would like to buy organic, eat local, shop farmer's market, etc. - but most of us say:  we simply can't afford it...

But...  we can't afford it?  Is this really the truth?

We are all making choices every single day, I see it everywhere:  Starbuck's coffee, beers and wings after work, new clothes, new shoes, take out pizza, nicer cars, faster toys, bigger mortgages...  And the thing is, I'm nearly 100% positive that deep in our souls, we KNOW with different and wiser food choices, surely we could prevent cancer, surely we could live a richer life, be more active, and have more joy....

So, what then if instead, we knew that we would have to pay for cancer from our very own pockets, would that help us make a better choice?  I mean, if we got cancer, we'd be out hundreds of thousands of dollars, or worse yet, the treatments would be withheld because we simply couldn't afford them.  You know, I kind of think this might change our choices, but wait...  The companies that create and invent the treatments for cancer, are funding, marketing and subsidizing those very same treatments....

Hmmmmm.....  so, that means that there is an industry making money off of our cancers?  And then, we're supposed to believe that they are really helping us find a cure for this disease?  And we're supposed to believe that they are really doing everything they can to prevent this disease?

The whole thing confuses and confounds me just to think about it all.  I mean, the very doctors that prescribe us chemotherapy make money off of the prescription.  Why would they want us to start eating local, organic, fresh produce...  Why would they want us to say for example:  start drinking blue smoothies?

I mean, they won't.  But if they did, the real irony, is that we'd probably start doing it...  Because I hear this nearly every day:  someone has had some tests done, and they are getting their results back...  And it was a freaking close call.  The doctor had thought they might have cancer, and then they would have had to start treatments, cut out fried foods, quit smoking, stop drinking, etc. etc. etc.  But!  Everything was fine, the tests came back clear, close call averted.  No lifestyle changes needed to be made here, thank God!

At the end of the day, even a $14 smoothie, one every day, amounts to $420 a month...  less than the average car payment..  (probably way less)  I know and understand that the way I live my life isn't going to be adopted by near to anyone around me, and I get that, but people, walk!!  Seriously, walk more often.  Walk every day, everywhere.  Then you can afford a blue smoothie every morning, and you most likely won't be part of the 50% sitting all comfy in a reclining leather chair at the hospital, getting another round of chemotherapy pumped into your veins..  (I know this for a fact, I would often go with my mom....  they even feed you chocolate chip cookies while you recline watching movies....  the very processed cookies that most likely got you there in the first place!)

So, this is the thing, this is what I'm trying to say:  Let's take care of ourselves.  Let's spend money on ourselves.  Let's drink blue and green smoothies, eat more organic, local fruit, and start planting our own gardens...  Let's walk more often, bike more often, and quit being a part of the system that is creating such a diseased planet and people occupying it.  And when we feel better, we love better, it's the truth.

I'm positive, 100% positive that we can all learn how to make new and different choices.  Those two beers after work pay for your smoothie, and that smoothie gives you the energy to walk, or play a sport, or hey, make love to your wife!  Let's seriously start making this world a better place, and not just keep talking about it.

Namaste

Soul Mate Song: "I want you..Y te quiero mi amor"

My love, I want you
I want you, I want you.
To be free, to be free  

My darling, I want you.  
I want you, I want you.    
To see me, to see me.
As I am, not as you wish me to be.

Y te quiero
Te quiero, te quiero
Mi amor, mi amor, mi amor
Es la verdad, que te amo
Pero no te encuentro
En todo el mundo yo te busco
Donde estas mi amor?
Mi vida, tu eres el aliento de mi vida.

I wanna lay my head on your lap.
I wanna lay my heart on your coat.
I wanna lay my soul on your bed.  
And I, I just want you
I wanna wrap my legs around your waist
Sitting on our bed in the middle of the day
Breaking free from our work, stealing free from the world.

And I, I am torn.  And I, I am shorn.  And I, I am worn.    
By you, by you.....

I love you.
I love you.  
I love you.
But you. 
You don't know me, You don't know me. 

Last Night I Danced-Were you with me?

i danced last night

i danced!

not just in my room, alone, smiling to God and my Self at the sheer beauty of this life...

but sharing it with others:
the energy of our bodies
the rhythm of our souls
the creativity of our dance
the uniqueness of our movement
the subtlety of our precision
the complexity of our free form.....

i taught last night, and i was taught
i opened last night, and i was opened
i healed last night, and i was healed
i gave last night, and i was given to
i loved last night, and i was loved

this kind of gift is too rare to quantify...  to find it even rarer, and to claim it almost impossible to imagine...

last night i danced with the kind of liberation and freedom that truly and literally changes the very chemistry of our core, the make-up of our very DNA and structure.

last night i danced with the kind of abandon and wildness that is ancient alchemy in its purest form.

last night i danced with the kind of true openness of my heart, soul, mind and body - that every person there became a part of me, and i a part of every person there.

last night another part of me woke up.
last night another sleeping section of my self arose and wept for joy.
last night another veil lifted away from my body and rejoiced in the glory.
last night another part of my self was healed from the wounds of my past.
last night another truth entered my cells and delivered its message of mercy.
last night another soul caught sight of an angel and flew through the sky for awhile.
last night another angel danced around a room with the human form and smiled for the sheer fun of it all.

and last night, last night.....
i loved
and i loved myself
and i loved all those that danced with me, and those that did not dance with me
my love rose from the room, and traveled across galaxies and universes and entered other planes....
planes of existence that i know nothing about, but my soul knew exactly where to go
for she's been there before
she goes there at night while i dream
and she goes there by morning while i pray
she goes there by dusk while i meditate
and she goes there when my heart closes and begs and pleads to reopen
and yes, she goes there when my soul burns for love and i cannot find it anywhere inside of me....

and last night
last night i danced
and i danced with You
and we flew around the room, free form movement stomping the floors and straining the windows
coyotes coming to visit
and rain storms purifying our hearts
and thunder and lightning speaking the riddles of the ages
that only our hearts and souls could understand
no words, no words....
but understand they do
for we wake up this moring
a little different
we feel something is different
something new is there
some subtle resonance is vibrating clearly through our veins
sending our love out to the world
with a little more focus, a little more clarity
and with a little less expectation....

and last night
last night i danced
with the masculine
and my heart broke open and shared itself
and little angels put it all back together again
through a long and sleepless night
and this morning, i am whole, and healed and alive.
and this morning, i am still dancing.

(thank you Mike!)

Heart Wide Open.... The Warrior?

i walk the world with my heart wide open, with barely a glance from the masculine coming my way.  for this kind of openness is for the most a deterrent and not a beacon.  it is to the average man, as it would be to a woman, should she pass by a man holding a machete by his side, only a loin cloth to cover his manhood.  it is raw, wild, unknown, and a territory much too revealing for most all people that walk our earth right now....

this kind of openness is the openness of the warrior, and it will never be understand but by another warrior.  and so i ravish with my gaze, even if it falls on steel armor.  the armor of protection and not of strength.  for true warriors ride through the fields bare back on their horse, machete over head, chest bare and bronzed, eyes open and clear.  no protection is needed for the heart of a warrior, no armor for his soul.

and the beauty of the warrior is found in their strength, in the glory of their purpose, and in their rebel yell when they scream out to the moon.  in the sound of their feet stomping the earth, as they dance around the fire in the darkness of the night.  their beauty is found in their barrenness instead of their jewels, in their exposure instead of their covering.

and so i live out my days in solitude, every so often basking in the rays of the healed masculine as coming from a man maybe passing my way.  always on the arm of the claimed feminine, her beauty bold and true.  for that is the way it seems to be, the healed masculine always already bound to the claimed feminine....

and i know that some day too, my lover will send his energy out towards the feminine that too shall pass his way, and this too will be true and pure.  for a warrior understands the difference between sending his love and sending his passion.  his passion is saved for God, which is found in his lover, the earth, his purpose, his family.  and his love, his love is shared with the whole universe, including every woman that might by chance pass his way.

one night, maybe four or so weeks ago, Luis and  i lay under the stars, long into the night.  and i rested my head on his shoulder, and then later on his arm.  what joy!  it is enough for me, i need no more.  for he is pure love, and pure true potential, and i see in him his claimed feminine, and his manifest masculine.  what a life i have been granted! to find in the middle of the barren baja desert, a plush landscape of palms, where a man such as this chose to lay out his arm for a weary worn woman, tired from so long a journey, diseased from the unclaimed parts of herself she once let ferment in her very soul.

and he offered me nothing, and he offered me everything.  and i offered him nothing, and i offered him everything.  and we said barely a word, language again being such a pediment, and yet again, such a liberation.  to not have to talk, and yet when one does, to know that the words are of such importance so as to take on the daunting task of somehow relaying their innuendos, subtleties, depths and risks to another that doesn't speak the language.  

and Luis listened to my words, and my attempts to convey such a lot of ideas that occupy my mind, and carouse around in my soul.  and by his words in return he had not much to offer me, but his eyes told me all of it. i could have lain there forever, never moving, such was the profound joy of settling in with the energy of a clear and pure masculine strength.

and so i lay there under the stars, with my heart beaming up to the quarter Moon, sharing with Her the depths of my soul, and She sharing with me all the wisdom of the ages gone by, and the ages still to come.  and the masculine beside me, our polarity charging the air between us, until i felt fully and utterly complete with the moment.  

we pack up the blanket, and we say good bye, it is after midnight.  we have not touched, save my head on his shoulder, save my cheek on his arm.  we have lain apart from one another, the energy of our magnetism keeping us perfectly balanced, not too far, and not too close.  and this energy has no sexual feeling to it, yet i can see how it could be so easily mistaken for it to be so.  i am proud of Luis, for knowing at so young an age, that for this to be anything other than exactly what it is, would be to destroy something so beautiful being created within each of us.  for we are both healing, and by healing one another, we heal the soil we lay on, the birds we listen to, the people we encounter somewhere tomorrow.  

for Luis will one day have a life partner, of this i am sure.  for me, i do not have the same strength of certainty, but for him, i do.  and right now, he is being purified, just as he purifies me.  and by purifying himself, he so too purifies her, even though he does not yet know her.  and she too, through me, purifies him, and their future children and grandchildren. and as Luis purifies me, he purifies all other men that will come my way, from this day forth.  what glory!  that shines down upon us and allows us all this incredible pursuit, of the glory, the mercy, the redemption and the chance at a second life.  

The Gift of The Feminine..... Will He see Me?

and so this is the way it must eventually be, once the feminine has tried it all....  to change, coerce, fix, ignore, and subdue the masculine...  when she finally realizes there is a perfect order to everything, including this.... and so she offers up her gift, of herself - her perfection, vulnerability, grace, beauty, charm, magnetism, sex and love.....

and of the masculine receiving this gift, claiming it, opening to it, and rising into it's grace.  and by rising to it, thereby surrendering to it.  and by surrendering to it, thereby discovering his own strength of purpose and mission, a purpose and mission that the feminine can in her own turn, surrender to.  but the feminine will always surrender after the masculine, after she has seen the masculine rise to his greatness, for it cannot be else wise.  she cannot surrender to ambiguity, confusion or passivity.

and what beauty to behold, the surrendering of the feminine!  and what beauty to behold, the strengthening of purpose of the masculine!  for the women of today cannot surrender...  we watch them fight for their independence, their power; that masculine strength they cannot find in their lover, and so they believe to have found in themselves.  

and once found, cannot be let go of, for it is such a longing, such an act of coming to wholeness, for even a small taste of the coming together of the masculine and the feminine.  and it's true, when a woman finds it in herself, there is a balancing of the body, soul and mind that occurs, and it is enough of a taste to want more.   and she will from there on-in, live with a seeking for the full enjoinment of herself with a lover that she can fully surrender to, thereby allowing her to relax into his essence, and let go of her own masculinity.  and she will be free!  forever free.  

and the men of today, they too cannot surrender, for they do not understand that the strength of purpose they are so longing for, will only be found after the act of surrendering to the feminine.  what they fear the most is what will save them.  what they fight the most, is what will redeem them.  for they believe that by surrendering they are losing their manhood, they can no longer understand that this surrendering is the very act of claiming their manhood.  

and by claiming their purpose and passion, they are scared they will have lost their own life, their own dreams, their own freedoms, not understanding that true freedom can only be found by a focusing of the options, and not by an expansion of the options.  they are scared that by being limited to one woman, again they are losing their freedoms, not understanding that the focusing of their attention is a freedom for their mind, a freedom for their body, and a freedom for their soul.  lost is the man that chases around after all he pleases, desires and craves.  he will never find what he is looking for, the peace he is seeking will forever elude him, the object of his desire will never be his to claim.

oh how i have longed to ravish a man!  to open him up to God.  to split him in two, and sew him back together again.  to watch the light of the whole universe dance within his eyes, as he basks in the heat of my untamed heart.  and then to watch him come into himself, the power of the original masculine coming forth from within him, and then to in turn, to be ravished by this very man that has been healed by the feminine. this very man that has healed me.

June 2014 Full Moon-Are You really out there?

it's been eight months today, eight full moon cycles....

it was october 17, 2013, and today is june 12, 2014

i was sick when i met him, and i got more sick with him

we parted on february 17th of this year, exactly four months together

and now exactly four months apart.

and tonight it is time to set him free

and tonight it is time to set Luis free as well....

all of these men that have some part of me tied to them
some thread that links me to them, and stalls out my momentum forward

love is a crazy mixed up world - it's true, it is
navigating my way through it baffles me

i have no idea when to surrender to love
and when to walk away from love

a part of me says, never walk away from love
and another part of me says, you will know when it is time

and so right now, i know it is time
to walk away

i want to be completely and fully available to my lover when we find one another
and these threads to past loves, yes, they are beautiful, and yes, they are opening
yes, they too are a surrender of sorts
but they keep me in my past
which if it where i was supposed to be, then i would be there, wouldn't i...

but i'm not there, i'm here
i'm not in colorado, and i'm not in mexico
and those bits of my heart that remain in those places
it is time to collect them up, one by one
and make this heart of mine completely whole again

i'm not with joey, and i'm not with luis
i'm here, alone, ready for the next part of this crazy mixed up life of love

the thing is, i don't want to let them go
i want to hold on
there is something about knowing someone is out there, somewhere, thinking about you
desiring you
wanting you
that makes this tumultuous crazy mixed up life
just a little bit more easy to live...

but when they are completely not the men you are needing them to be
and not the men that the world is needing them to be
when they are not yet willing to do the work
then my own work suffers for the connection i maintain with them

i don't want to sever this
but i will
it's 10:23
and i will go and lie under the bright white night of the moon
and howl and scream - at least inside my heart and my head!
and let them know, i have moved on
i will sever this cord that links me to them

and should they ever step up
should they ever decide to be the men this world needs them to be
that the people here need them to be
the men i know they can be
then and only then will i reopen to their contact
my connection to them tonight must cease
that thread that links me to them must be cut
but somehow this must be done with a heart wide open.....

that is my struggle
how to let go while staying in my open heart
staying in love
staying present for their potential return
yet completely and utterly moving on with my life

no longer waiting for the skype to ring
no longer waiting for the email that never arrives
no longer waiting for the words that go unsaid
no longer waiting for the emotion that goes unfelt
no longer waiting for the heart that doesn't open

tonight i create the space in myself and my life
for the man that will fully and completely
join me in the creation of this incredible life
i don't know where he is
i have no idea how we are going to find one another
but i KNOW he's there!
and i know he's doing the work, as am i
and we're getting really fucking close to one another
right now.

Musings on: "Saving" The World

i had a dream last night.  my lover had come home to me, and he was pushing a dolly, the kind the delivery people use, to transfer their supplies from their trucks to the stores.  

and on the dolly was stacked, neatly and orderly, at least fifty or sixty puppies, all different colours, sizes and shapes.

they weren't moving, and when i came closer, they were barely breathing, their little tummies almost imperceptibly moving up and down.  

my lover had such pride in his eyes  i knew he had done all of this just for me, i knew it was my expectations he was meeting, not his own.

when i awoke from my dream, i knew immediately these puppies were all going to die, there was not one that would be saved.  and i knew, that when they were first rounded up, they had been playing and yapping, happy and free.  they had been eating garbage from the dumpsters, and garbage from the yards, but they had been alive.

and i realized, i am trying to save the world, and it is not possible.  when i try to save the world, everyone i touch turns to stone.  but when i touch only one at a time, i have enough energy, care, commitment and love, to really and truly make a difference.

and i must make sure the person wants my help, that i am not collecting random and stray people, that are content to live the life they are living.  instead of collecting, by just being, i will draw unto myself, those very people that i am seeking to save.

for no one needs to be saved, and no one needs to be fixed, or changed or cured.  who do i think i am, to think i can save anyone but myself?

and my lover, with all of his energy, living out my dreams instead of his own, doing the work of my soul and not his own.  

i think of all of the men of my past, and all the ones of my future, and the demands I've placed, and the roles I've assigned, and the wars I've introduced, and my soul huddles from the truth of it all. 

I've not always done the killing myself, but to delegate is so much more the crueller.  for the masculine will always be pulled in by the feminine, and the feminine will always draw in the masculine, like the iguana on my roof here, that pushes out it's neck, high up into the rays of the sun.  

i have demanded so many virtues from my lovers, and now i see that they are always a reflection of me.  those virtues i spent my energy trying to cultivate in them, were the very virtues i was lacking in myself.  And the very men i sought to lure, were the very men i had abandoned from my very own soul.

i see now that my lover needs to be nothing but himself, and i need to be nothing but me.  we do not need to be soul mates or twin flames, and he does not have to meet a list of criterion that i am solely lacking in myself.  he will be him, and i will be me, and his nature will reflect my nature, and my nature will reflect his nature, and we must live in the truth of our own natures.

and if we come together like that, and our reflections bounce of one another, and they are received from each other, again and again and again, and not declined, and not admonished and not negated, then we will stay together.

and over time, our reflections will purify one another, our rays will brighten, intertwine, and strengthen one another.  the strength of our purity will cause our steps to lighten, our hearts to soar, and our souls to liberate.  but not only can we liberate our own souls, but as we free ourselves, we grant freedom to all souls that care to be liberated. not a liberation of force, not a stacking of the dolly with the redeemed, but a liberation solely based on the universal law of attraction.  

for what i am, that is what i bring into me, and that is what i allow others to be. and as i purify myself, so i allow all others to be purified.  for this strength of spirit radiating from my being, emitting from the very love and grace existing between my lover and i, this is the strength of God.  this is the strength of Pure Love.

not a love based on wants, needs, desires and expectations.  not a love based solely on passion, longing, sex and emotion.  but a love based simply on the coming together of the masculine and the feminine, the beauty of the feminine ravishing the masculine with it's innocence and it's pure potential.  

Thoughts on: Dying.....and Nothingness

on death

one day i realized i was dying.  it was such a grand jolt to the senses.  the doctors told me i must have surgery and treatments, pills and appointments.  i did relent to a few visits and treatments, found them entirely contradictory to all of my instincts, and have never gone back.  

instead, i spent two years eating only raw and living foods, drinking two litres of carrot juice every day.  then i was told fruits are too high in sugar, so for two more years i ate only vegetables and tender greens.  i have done well over a thousand coffee enemas, trying to nurture back my poor tired liver back to life.....  

i went to Hawaii, living in an eight by eight foot hut, eating only the fruit fallen from the trees.  i have spent months in meditation and contemplation.  i have sat by fires, in sweat lodges, Vipassana centres, and in prayer.  i have contorted my body in the most advanced yogic postures created by the sages.  i have done up to 30 standing drop backs in a row, training my spine to drop down and up again on it's own accord.  i have worked with my chakras, my kundalini, my energy fields and my auras.  

i have spent my entire savings on accupuncture, kinesiology, naturopathy, craniosacral massage, thai yoga therapy, tai chi and organic food.  i have lived by the ocean, in the desert, retreat centres, sacred lands, and spiritual vortexes.  i have traveled the world, finding spiritual healers, medicine men, and medical intuits. i have had numerological readings, past life regressions, reiki, soul retrievals and soul evictions.

i have sold my houses, my cars, my furniture.  i have left my friends and family behind.  i have given away every single one of my possessions.  i have gone down to what i now call Nothing, for it is true, i have nothing left.  

my best friend lucinda, a lovely happy playful border collie, i let go to dear friends.  i said good bye to my mother on her cancer bed, i said good bye to my father and my sister.  i met men, i loved them, and then i too set them free.  

i found myself one day with only my self.  and as i lay there, i realized that yes, even this was a story.  a less complicated story, a much easier story, and certainly a less damaging story, but it was still a story.

and so i found i had to let even this go too, this clear Nothingness.  and that was the most wretched night of them all.  

i am still dying, i am still living.  i am still decaying, i am still healing.  i now see this all is life, and too, this all is death, for i started dying the moment i was born.  life and death are but another form of the masculine and the feminine.  the good and the bad, the right and wrong.  not until we let go of one idea, can we let go of the other.   not until we accept the one idea, can we too accept the other.  it wasn't until i fully claimed the death, that i could fully claim my life.

the funny thing is, nothing has changed.  it never does.  what we think of as a shift in consciousness, a pure working through of a fear that has stalled us completely out for hours, days, years, lives, and even other lives, rarely brings about the cataclysmic change to our lives that we thought it was going to bring, the change that was the root of the root of the root of the very change we feared.  i let go of my teacher, i let go of yoga, i let go of raw food, i let go of carrot juice, i let go of Nothing, i let go of everything.  and my days are still completely

the same.

Thoreau: Musings on The Perfect Diet?

i was a vegetarian for 16 years, a vegan for 12 of those, a raw foodist for 10, and a fruitarian for 4.  i came out of the experiments with no clear picture whatsoever of the correct diet for humans, or if there ever was such a thing designed.  

there are only two things that for myself, i can say for sure, and for the world, i can say, it must be so! and such are these:  if we are going to eat the flesh of any animal, then no suffering, poisoning, confinement, abuse, neglect or torture must have been done to them of any kind, especially for the sake of our enjoyment and consumption.  and two:  our foods must be natural and whole ingredients, they must be made from living, evolving and organic ingredients that have no unnatural additives or preservatives contained within.  and if i occupied offer a third, i would say:  our diets should be simple and lean.  light and without too many ingredients added at one time.  

and i should also say, that we follow our souls in this regard.  let the desires and needs rise to the surface, enter our consciousness, and then be made manifest by our intellect and physical abilities.  i have heard this discussed through and through, and the concern is that what is to be made of our lower desires?  how can we trust our desires come only from good and not from evil?

i have studied Thoreau like he had taken me on as his apprentice, his words have shaken me, cut me, bruised me, turned me inside out, back right again, and then lain me bare once again to the burning sun.  and his thoughts i pass on to you here:   should i have am impulse, a desire, a burning longing, and should i submit to this urge, this feeling from somewhere deep inside of me.  and should this part of me come from the devil, and not from god, then still i should be content, and still i should be right with my choice.  for i would rather be the daughter of the devil, living my true nature, following my souls longing, then the daughter of god, following the whims of those around me, never trusting the song i hear deep within me, straining to bulge forth from my abdomen, fighting let loose from the ropes i have tied around it.

and even if i should follow a whim, a fancy, an urge, and find out shortly after that i had gone awry, astray, askance, that too would be pure, that too would be true.  for who is my very soul, but not the Gracious Mother, and not the Benevolent Theresa, gently guiding my path, but never forcing the way.  welcoming me back home with open arms, each time i should return.   seeing the rose bush far in advance, but knowing the encounter and not the avoidance is the learning, knowing she is my guide and not my protector.  

there is no such thing as wrong, i cannot do any such thing.  each experience is to be welcomed, warmed by the fire, mulled with spices, and drank long through the night.  until the morning comes, and our exhaustion turns to understanding, our apathy to ecstasy, and our fear back to love.

for when at times, i take that road, that might lead me a little closer to hell, and at times, might drop me into my Dark Night of The Soul, what is that but an opportunity to bring some lightness to the dark.  for where the devil resides, so to do i reside.  and so to does god reside, and so to do you.  i know this, for i have been there, over and over and over again. and each time, the hand of God has been there, to help me find the light.  not to walk me to the light, for the light is already there, but only to help me find within myself the access to the light that already exists in that moment.  for it is already there, and when i find it, and i can see a little clearer, i see that you are there too, and you are there too, and so are you, and you, and you.  and there is a majestic table, full of goblets, platters and century only chairs.  and we dine, and we drink, we laugh and we get drunk.  drunk on pure love and pure truth, and the innate knowledge that only our very own soul will ever know what our own true nature is.  and as we wobble and flail, finding out what this is, who we are, what nectar fills our blood, we know that the Surrogate Mother stands radiantly over our beds, watching us writhe and moan, her gentle hands smoothing our hair, her breath on our cheeks.  

so we eat what we need to, and we follow the deep longings of our heart.  we bear witness to our desires, filtering out what we know to be untrue.  we learn from past experiences the path we will take in the future, and we allow our bodies the time they need to adjust, heal, cleanse and build.  always knowing that the body is transitory anyway, and it's death started the moment it was born.  and should it dissolve itself before the average term, before our intellect might think it is ready, our soul always knowing, that the choice was always Hers alone to make.  

What Women Want-Is it too much or not enough!

we as women want it all. literally.  we want it all.

we want our men to have the perfect balance of masculinity and femininity.  we want them to prepare dinner and change the oil.  we want them to be warriors and then spend the night talking about our most intimate wants and feelings. we want them to know exactly when it is time to ask us what is wrong.  we want them to know exactly when it is time to ejaculate, when to move here, when to move there, how exactly to hold us when the lovemaking is over.

we are actresses on a stage, and they are our props.  we move them around as we need to, trying to make the story perfect.  

it is impossible.  we know it is impossible, and yet we try again, and again, and again, and again.  we are convinced one time eventually, we are going to create the exact story we have been dreaming of our entire lives. 

if it is before our deathbeds that we realize it is never going to happen, we must believe ourselves to be one of the rarest and luckiest of all women alive on this planet.  

for we have been sold a lie, we are living in a hell created solely by ourselves, our mothers, our teachers, our preachers, our friends, our forebears.  

this man does not exist, and to realize this is the very beginning of our entry to freedom.  for we do not exist in this way either.  so to realize that men are men, full of doubts and fears and imperfections, is to fully realize that we too are simply women, full of doubts and fears and imperfections.  to accept this in men, is to accept it in ourselves, is to accept it in the world.  this is not yet freedom, but it is enough of a taste as to keep us on the path, and the path is the dream, and the dream is of heaven, and heaven is of truth, and truth is of God.  and to find God, is to know God, and to know God, is to finally know ourselves.  

to love a man as he is, is to love ourselves as we are, is to love the world as it is, is to love nature as it is. once we are no longer trying to change men, we are no longer trying to change ourselves, we are no longer trying to change the world, we are no longer trying to change nature.  this is the beginning of peace.  this is the beginning of becoming a whole human being.

once there is nothing to change, this is when real meditation starts.  now we can meditate anywhere.  we no longer need a meditation room, with alters and incense and prayer beads.  any old forest will do, any old log, cafe, restaurant, train or plane. chatter and laugher, scorn and rage, nothing will come between us and our peace.  

once we see that our thoughts were never real, our dreams were never real, our ideals were never real, we are finally able to see that nothing at all is real.   

The Unclaimed Feminine

i have two friends, Joanna and Levi, and they are trying to be a conscious couple together.  i am watching and learning, for one day yet, still, maybe, yes, this grace too shall come my way.....  and by watching them, i am given this gift, of the impartial observer.  impartial, but truly?  well, if not, at the least i can find no clear reason for having an interest in who may be the right, or who may be the wrong, who may be the superior, or who may be the inferior.  

And what i am bearing witness to, is my past, my present, and my future, all simultaneously teaching me at the same time, for i have been this woman, and i have been this man.  i have been this feminine, and i have been this masculine.  

they are struggling, they are often unhappy and bickering.  he looks worn out, she looks like a frazzled housewife.  he looks like a little boy, she looks like a grandmother.  he looks scolded, she looks frustrated.  what is this, this dichotomy, this ensuing chaos?  

i call it the Unclaimed Feminine.

Joanna never truly claimed her feminine nature, and she is searching for it in a partner.  Levi is the epitome of the feminine man.  long hair, lean body, beautiful features, artist, transient, a true lover, a true caregiver.  Joanna is the epitome of the masculine woman.  independent, Type A, on a mission, worn out, angry, using some form of drugs or nicotine to soften the edges...  

when they met, these two opposing forces attracted each other like the magnets they are, but they are each playing the opposing side to their true nature.  Levi wants to care for Joanna, he wants to be the man.  Joanna will not and cannot let him.  she cannot surrender to the masculine essence she sees in a feminine man, she cannot trust him.  Joanna wants to be cared for, she is frustrated by his lack of taking control and taking charge, yet she will not let him do anything without criticizing or chastising him.  Levi for his part, wants to be taken seriously, he wants to be the man, but with her money, her car, her power, her history, her hard work to have it all - it will never work.

Joanna is craving her unformed feminine nature.  the unformed feminine, that craves itself, will search for and eventually find it in the unformed masculine.  pushing itself onto him, with his own unclaimed and discarded remnants, that too are unwilling to be worn or claimed by itself.  

and then putting itself onto the willing unformed masculine, so as to find itself, finding itself hating itself as worn by him, recognizing itself as unnatural and uncomfortable on another, sensing the embarrassment of being worn by the wrong person.

like a broken and beaten puppy, the masculine cowers from itself, both as discarded by him, and worn by her.  cowering behind the veil of the unclaimed feminine, that he wears like such a shroud, another veil to add to the weight that curves his spine and tires his legs.

as he becomes more and more meek, his unclaimed masculine builds in it's hatred of itself.  until one day he is gone, by her hand or his, it does not matter.  whether physically or metaphorically, it does not matter.  but certainly, one day, gone he will be.  

and her discarded feminine will sit beside her still, as once worn by him, still unclaimed by her,  until the next man comes along, willing to wear it for even just a short while.  And what a relief when he puts it on!  there is a moment of true formation of the whole person, until of course, it becomes too great a weight for him, and too light of a weight for her.  

for the weight of that essence is only hers to wear, only hers to claim.  it is the weight that keeps her grounded to Mother Earth, the soil, the children, the home, the land, the people.  it is her joy, her bliss, her dance, her song.  yes, there will be men that will gladly sing it to us, for awhile, here and there, but it will never last, they will be gone.  

and we will be angry, and we will be cross.  and we will carry our story along with us, of the sadness, the departure, the unfairness, the loss.  we are searching for ourselves, and we are tired.