Poem: "i want to know this Loneliness"

i want to know
this loneliness
i want to touch it
feel it
experience it
claim it
so i no longer run away.
where does it hide
when i pretend it isn't there
somewhere deep inside of me
wreaking havoc
creating hurricanes
causing wars
destroying my fragile peace.
i've known the love
of a friend
a sister
a father
a mother
a lover
another lover
and yet another
and still
this loneliness sits
right here
deep inside of me
screaming out to the night
fill me
hold me
spare me
ruin me
please
just notice me
i want to be seen
fully
by someone other than me
and not just anyone
but a man
i want him to see me
know me
experience me
love me
hate me
and still come back for more.
and yet
i have lain beside a man
and another
and another
feeling more alone
than ever before.
so his mere presence
is not the answer
nor his beating heart
his lips
his hands
or his words.
but to see me
right though my skin
through the veins
the blood
and the guts
through the meat
the bones
and the sinew
for his gaze
to penetrate beyond all that
and to find God
on the other side of me
and in me
beside me
around me
and through me
that is what this void is.
this pain
this emptiness
this longing
this unfillable cavity in my heart
that waits and waits and waits
unwilling to settle
for anything less than utter chaos
complete ruin
absolute disaster
the jumping off of a cliff
into the void of sheer nothingness.
and even then when I've found you
even then
this loneliness
will still be here
this cavity
will still be here
and there will be times
when it will be nearly full
and i will think, what wonder!
and there will be times
when it will be nearly empty
and i will think, tonight
surely tonight
is the night i will die......
save me
love me
hold me
fix me
but you can do none of it
i can ask for none of it
no begging
pleading
crying
grasping
pulling
pushing
will bring you any closer
to me.
only you can choose
and i must live with your choice
again
and again
and again
and i must live on
knowing this loneliness
is much of who i am.
knowing
to be seen
by you
this cure
is only a momentary relief
a temporary fix
a fleeting gift
to remind me
that at the core of my self
at the truth of my nature
the essence of my being
i am not that
and i am not this
and i am not there
and i am not here
i am in actuality
the very cavity
i am trying to fill.
of course
i am longing for myself
of course
it's true
but it is also true.....
that i crave you
none the less
for knowing.