Trust.....

There are a lot of worthwhile things to place our trust in.....
Our partners, our children, our employers, our friends, our parents, our vision of God....
But what about our bodies?
This is what really hit me today, i mean, big time.
You see, I've been in bed for 2 days, and even before that, continually struggling with the most intense lower back pain i could possibly imagine....
The only thing seemingly worse than these past two days, would be if i literally could not get out of bed...  As of right now, it is more in the realm of: possible or impossible in any given moment.
For the past month or so, I've been continuing to go to my daily Sattva yoga class, not telling my teacher or my classmates what has really been going on for me, what kind of pain i have actually been in....
Because the thing is, I've got to take responsibility for this injury.  What could i be doing differently in my life, which emotions am i carrying that need to be set free, am i over-doing it in yoga, am i trying to prove to myself or others that i am stronger or more flexible than i actually am.....
All of these are valid considerations....
Even though i understand there is no such thing as right or wrong on a spiritual path, there is still the idea that i could do things differently, and therefore, possibly give myself a more peaceful life experience in this body.
For example, i could buy myself a desk and a chair instead of lying on my bed to type all the time, this could make a significant difference to the health of my back...  I would have to make a new choice though, one i have clearly not been ready to make.
Which emotions am i carrying....  For example, I am not working right now, and i am a little more aware of  financial pressure than i have been previously....  I am letting go of my former career as a raw food chef, and just last night deleted my professional blog site and work contact email....  The lower back is where we carry our fears of being able to support ourselves in the world, and right now, I'm definitely not doing my best job of it.  The thing is, letting go of one career, and opening up to a new one, is for me, as big of a transition and life shift as my divorce was 6 years ago now....
Yoga...  I definitely push myself to my limit.  Today for the first time, i held back from the more advanced poses, and yes, in only one day my back now feels significantly less strained.
What have i been trying to prove?
I can see that all of the above really come down to my ego....  Clearly, I am still trying to prove something to myself and/or others.  It appears i do want to change my life, and yet i also don't want to change it badly enough to actually follow through with the actions required....
This must change if i am going to release my fears of abundance, fears of supporting myself, fears of not being good enough, and generally, just all my fears!  I feel like I've hit the bottom where truly, the pain to stay in this fire, feels much more painful than what it would take to rise out of the ashes.
Earlier tonight, i had just finished my dinner of baked happy chicken (hence, i am no longer too interested in being a raw food chef....) and i felt thirsty.  My first thought was that i should not drink with a meal, as it washes away our digestive enzymes and causes bloating and poor assimilation.
Then i had the most amazing thought....  Why would I feel thirsty if it was not healthy for me to drink in that moment?  Why would my body send me that information if it wasn't right or true?
And then, why would my back be in so much pain, if it wasn't trying to communicate something very important to me?
And then i realized it was time to start trusting myself.  Fully trusting myself and my body, my heart and my soul.
Books and information are fine, as a way to help interpret my own body language and signs...  But to take on other people's ideas and opinions as my own, that can be very dangerous....  To take on their truth, no matter how sound their evidence, as my own truth, all of a sudden seems like the most ridiculous exercise i have ever taken on for myself.
I have a second job interview this wednesday at 11:30 am, and i really really want this job.  I want to support myself, heal myself, trust myself, i think I'd be awesome at this job, and i also just really like these guys that run the company....
Yet as i study each day to prepare myself for their potential questions,  i find i am getting more and more into my head on the matter, and more and more fears are coming up..
Yet when i am quiet, and i trust myself, and i am not causing myself or my body any unnecessary pain, then i can realize that surely all will be perfect as it unfolds in that moment.
I will either know the right answers, or i will not.  It is very simple.
I will either get the job or i will not, and the most perfect outcome will come forth.
It is time to truly start listening to myself.  Now.
If I am thirsty, i should drink.
If I am hungry, i should eat.
If I am in pain, i should rest.
If i am stressed, i should ask the right questions to move from that place.
If I am in fear, i should do what needs to be done to release the fear.
We were given these natural bodily reactions and emotions for a reason!
I am ready to let go of all of my knowledge, and truly listen to the language of my own body.