Day of Surrender....

Today was one of my nothing days.....i simply allowed myself to do whatever I wanted to do...

This mostly entailed lying in bed, eating almonds and raw cacao, reading a dear friends book, and watching David Deida videos....

I learned more about myself, life, God, relationship and men than i ever could have had i kept myself busy all day long...

And ultimately, these are the things i am most trying to fathom as of late.

I recently met a soul mate.

For 10 days we connected at a soul level.

David Deida taught me today something i had already known, but needed a reminder of:

In a first stage relationship, the other person gives to us our validity and our beauty; our worthiness.

In a second stage relationship, we no longer need the other person.  This is where I had been for the past 5 years of my life, up until about 1 or so years ago.  At this level of relationship, we do not trust another to bring us to God, or to take us somewhere further than we could go alone.  This is often because our own fears and limitations are attracting to us the same fears and limitations in another.  At this stage of relationship, we are proving to ourselves we can go at it alone, we do not need anyone else....  We are complete and whole as we are.

If we are fully able to transcend this second stage relationship, and truly open to another as God Consciousness, a whole new world opens for us....  We move into a third stage relationship.

I have longed for this for some time, and i had never found it.

This time i found it.

For 10 mere days, i was opened up to Love and God and Consciousness.  Love moved through me like a current, i was on fire, i was an explosion waiting to burst forth into a new reality of life and love.

But i ran away from it.

I have run before.

Today on my nothing day, i was ready to face this.

If one wants to understand God Consciousness, the masculine and Divine feminine, there are few better to turn to than David Deida.

This is what i learned today.....

I must trust my own heart.  When I am truly open, available and ready to receive God through another, only my heart can speak the language i need to hear.  My mind cannot, and ultimately, it will prevent me from hearing the words i need to hear.

Once i have true faith in myself, my willingness and readiness to receive, my heart will point the perfect path to Truth.

Once i understood this, i was finally able to surrender to these past 10 days.....

Since I ran from this love, i have felt pain.  I have wanted to reach out to him, claim him once again, convince myself i could open further if only i would try harder, and more than anything, i have wanted to feel his love once again...... I wanted to feel his warmth, his connection, his soul, his spirit, his manifestation as God.

Without him, and all he gave me, i have felt lonely, barren, cold, alone, isolated, withdrawn.

He opened me.  He claimed me.  He tore me apart.  I asked for all of it.

And yet, here at the end of a literal day, i find i am none of those things.  I find that space within me that he filled with his love, and i open it up once again to God.

When a conscious man claims a woman, she is taken somewhere new.  When that consciousness leaves her, she feels a void, and this void is terrifying.  This void is that feeling when we first entered the world, that moment where we simply wanted nothing more than to return to the cocoon of our mother's womb.

It feels like it would have been better to have never felt this love, the fleeting glimpse seems more painful than the lack there-of.

Yet in some much deeper place of Truth, i know that is not the case....  I know my heart has been stripped and healed by Love, i know my soul has been torn and stitched back together by Love.

And at the end of a nothing day, i know my heart spoke the Truth.

I accept the ending, just as i accepted the beginning.

I accept the empty vast chasm in my heart, longing to be filled once again, just as i accepted it's fulfillment by another's love for me.

When God Consciousness is presented to me some day once again, I will have a similar decision to make....  These decisions can only be made in the immediate moment, and i will once again have to trust my heart that the consciousness i am being offered is truly right, pure, holy and true.

If it isn't, i will have to let go, and once again, I will have to move through the pain of loss, and once again, I will have to decide to trust my heart over my head.

Because my head wants my lover back.

My head wants a strong shoulder to lean my face upon.

My head wants a warm body to stretch out upon and feel the radiating warmth of.

My head is scared that the more times i walk away from this, the greater will be my chances of it never being offered to me again.

And yet, the Truth shows me this is not so.  The Truth shows me just the opposite.  Every man i give my heart to, is just a little more conscious.  Every man i meet, is just a little more available to meet me in his entirety.  Every man i meet is able to give me of himself just a little more fully.

And this is solely because i myself am blooming into those qualities myself.

And so on this nothing day, i surrender even more fully to God, and this journey of life i find myself a pilgrim of...  I surrender even more fully to the masculine which is Consciousness, and i accept the ever changing whirling tumbling of unrecognizable feelings, emotions and idiosyncrasies that is the feminine of Me....

Today i accept that all men are perfect, yet the most perfect man for me, is out there somewhere, diligent and perfect in maintaining his openness and readiness for our union.

Today i learned that inside of a relationship, God Consciousness does not have a tipping point....  The tipping point must occur before our union is possible.

That point where the union with the masculine and feminine becomes inevitable, must occur before the two come into contact....  To try to prepare for this union, once the opposite poles of the masculine and feminine are magnetized and within each other's radius, is perfectly epitomized by the Chaos Theory: it is completely impossible to predict or control the outcome.

And i want to control the outcome,  i don't want the Chaos Theory applied to my direct experience of God Consciousness.  I want to know that i am ready to meet this union like a warrior, i have prepared my whole life for this opening, and i will not be distracted by any parts of the life occurring around me....

I want my partner to be in this same state of union: directly experiencing me as God, without distraction, fears, parts of his heart tucked aside for other more seemingly crucial current life circumstances.

Can we give all of ourselves to another human being?

Can we be truly ready to give all of ourselves to another human being?

Can we be in this state of perpetual motion, continually moving closer to our Beloved.....

Can we risk pain and loneliness, and the terrifying emptiness of the void, to release another, when our heart tells us it must be so....

Can we sit with this fissure throughout our entire body, bleeding and gaping wounds for all to see, in order to risk ourselves for Conscious Love?

I feel nauseous, i feel empty, i feel paralyzed, i feel sore, i feel winded.....

I feel like 10 days of conscious love was more revealing to me than 8 years of personal seeking on my own for God.

If 10 days can break me open, imagine a lifetime of this.

I am sorry, my Beloved, that i had to move away....,  i am sorry my Beloved that Truth spoke the words neither of us wanted to hear.....  i am sorry my Beloved that Divine Time was not Our Time.

I would like to be your soul friend.  I would like to know that your path is unfolding perfectly before you.  I would like to know that our hearts will always remain open, the Tipping Point long behind us..... The Chaos Theory wildly propelling us forward.