finding courage: thoughts

i feel different
less like me
more like the me
i thought i would be
i feel stronger
yet somehow weaker
strange
like I'm looking at myself
in a mirror
and it's all coming out
backwards

did i ever really know
who i was?
was the identity ever
an actual
representation
of something resembling
Me?

i'm older
greyer
slower
wiser?
i couldn't say for sure
but then again
there's really nothing left
that i could possibly
say for sure

eight long years
now gone by
since that very first moment
of a quiet
realization
that everything i had believed
to be true
had all been
completely wrong
i had been asleep
the whole time
and i didn't even know it

change
growth
movement
ready
Now
seek
find
rebuild
re-wild
Robyn
God sings to me
while i sleep
whispering these words
breathing them
into my skin, my hair
my heart, my soul
rearranging my DNA
into something
other
than
me

for i was born
lacking courage
but we all were
this family
every single one of us
it runs in our lines
how far back
i couldn't say
but I'm guessing
Way
Way
Back

i have it in me now
to break it
end it
seven generations before
and seven generations behind
every single one of us
different
changed
awake
i wasn't chosen
but i chose