landed in ontario......

it's been so long since I've written here
it's hard to believe....
it feels like I've found my way back
to an old dear comfortable friend

so much has happened for me...
I'm now living in a 70's style retro travel trailer
completely off the grid
something I've wanted to do for some time
one more thing to scratch off "the list" for this lifetime
true, something I'd envisioned for baja, mexico, but hey...... :)
life is good!


I'm working on an organic farm in southern ontario
as a garden-intern learning, and also as their farm chef
and truthfully, I've literally been too cold so far
to piece a single thought together
much less write anything resembling from my heart....

but I was reminded today of my favorite author
and what he had to say of my own hearts yearning:
"but I don't want comfort. I want poetry. I want danger.
I want freedom. I want goodness. I want sin."
Aldous Huxley


that really says it all, doesn't it....
to experience all the opposition of life
the good with the bad
the light with the dark
with more than even steadfastness
but with true joy and wonder, wow!


and so in only 25 days here
I've already learned my first profound lesson
(which is of course
really what I've come here for isn't it.....)
to learn what I need to learn, to discover what I need to discover
to unearth inside of me, that which yet yearns to be unearthed.....

and it is this:
we find God precisely in this discomfort
not in its avoidance
or in it's disdain, or its frustration
but literally right down deep in its very guts......
that is where we find Him
by walking right down the middle of it
by slicing right through the heart of it
that is the pathway to God


and we ask, but why me?
why has God given me this suffering?
or: why would I deserve this?
why would anyone deserve this pain or this loss?
why can't things just go right, or as I want them to be
or as I've planned them to be?


and I finally have my answer:
the pain IS the gift
the pain IS the path
the very discomfort itself
is the exact opportunity to find God....
who would have thought?
(besides St. John of the Cross of course:)


and in this discomfort
(this made up discomfort of the mind)
I find once again, i am exactly where I am supposed to be
and there is not one other spot on this entire earth
where i would rather be.....


here is a poem that has found me here.....
the words coming to me
as I wake up to feed the chickens
in the rain or in the snow
in the sleet or the ferocious winds
as i muck through the mud
with buckets of water to the barn
or clean out the crap
those chickens like to throw at me!
or while transplanting
all the beautiful seeds in the greenhouse
(with Cooper - the incredible 150-pound avatar guard dog
napping contentedly at my side.....!)





I am a tiny seed
sprinkled here and there
sometimes growing
sometimes fading
but always
always
reaching out to You


i find You in the morning
at the rising dawn
and i find You in the evening
in the setting sun
but always
always
You are there
waiting there for me


screaming: look up!
look up, dear one, look up here for Me....


i am a sprinkling of dust
a layer of dirt
a heap of debris
a landscape of foliage
but always
always
I am only
I can only just
be me


a shock of stardust
i landed here on earth
finding my roots in the soils
and my breath in the winds
my voice in the rivers
and my sight in the skies


this tiny microcosm of me
reflected perfectly
in the vast macrocosm of He


i am a tiny seed
growing in the dirt
roots and shoots
reeds and weeds
stretching downward
rising upward
but always
ever
reaching out to You


a speck of dust
a piece of a star
a chunk of stone
silt from the edge
of the river
that is all
i ever am


but You
You
You are so much more


the virtually impossible
the highly improbable
the completely unfathomable
that i could somehow
be
here
now


i stare up at the stars
shining and shooting
and I cry my tears for You
for Your glory
for Your mercy


that i could somehow be
somehow impossibly
made possible
here
by You