feels like resignation
sighs like weary old women
flops to the ground
like well-spent dogs
curdles like cream
that took a bit too long
to get all used up
I don't know why
I fight
what God has asked of me
to simply be
here
now
I don't know why
I want more
than what is offered me
I don't know why
I want less
than my wildest dreams
if there is a plan
I cannot see it
if there is a design
I cannot feel it
this takes faith
so much faith
my legs grow weary
courage
so much courage
my body curls up like a child
trust
so much trust
i am sure I will be buried alive
by heaps and heaps of this trust
that is conjured from somewhere deep inside of me
so far away from reality
it becomes painfully obvious
that this is not
of my own making
somewhere this faith
this trust
this courage
is heaped on top
of this one small life
by a God
I cannot fathom
a God
I cannot see
a God
whose pure invisibility
makes Him for me
finally
intangibly
perfectly
Real
surrender
feels like every single beautiful dream
is being hurled
into a fiery pit
one by one by one
the same fiery pit
that will ultimately devour me
should the temptation to disbelief
one day ensnare me
in its tenacious unrelenting claws
and when I'm done
all the back breaking
soul clenching work
of hurling
uncurling
and unfurling
it will finally be the end of me
and I will finally fall
into the formless
dreamless
slumber of exhaustion
and I will awake
to nothing
absolutely annihilating nothing
and this is precisely when
my life will begin
and so tonight I pray then
merely
for courage
and strength
resilience
trust
faith
and fortitude
enroute
to the ultimate surrender
which is
the letting go
of the foolproof plan
the ideas thought mattered
the agenda thought real
the life thought adequate
the dreams thought big enough
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