Well – it was Day 1 in Mexico yesterday, and apparently I missed my first blog post - so that commitment is going really, really well. However, I am going to be honest here, and share, that it may have been the worst day of my life. Well, if not the worst day of my life - the most difficult day of my life. I live with re-occurring memories of the last moments of my mom passing in the hospice from the cancer, memories of the last moments before Mark left – deep etches of sorrow within me at times – and yet yesterday? Yesterday was a whole new level.
I think something died inside of me yesterday – some kind of belief that I was invincible. Some kind of idea that I was ok on my own. That there was nothing I couldn't manage, handle or figure out. Yesterday, I couldn't manage any of it.
I have traveled to Mexico so many times – but now, looking back, there was often someone “waiting” for me on the other end. And if not, a bus already booked ahead of time, that would take me right from the airport to my next destination. One time I even drove the coast of Baja completely on my own, and even managed to lose my van keys in some obscure Mexican fishing village en-route. How did I manage to navigate that? I do remember feelings of panic, but nothing like yesterday. That was 10 years ago though – I am starting to realize that high stress levels at 37 years of age, are not the same thing as high stress levels at 47 years of age. Plus, I haven't been well – we all know that. I don't think I have the reserves I used to have. OK, scratch that. I may no longer have ANY of the reserves I used to have in my life at this point. The reality, is that when we aren't in perfect health - it doesn't take much to wipe us out. Yeah, I was wiped right out.
I didn't sleep the night I left Edmonton – that was my first mistake. But I thought at the time, it would be easier to be super tired, and then it would help me to sleep on the long flight from Calgary to Mexico City. Which may have worked, if I hadn't somehow managed to leave my documents, wallet, and credit cards in my carry-on, which was “checked” by Westjet staff at the last second before boarding the plane. When they asked me if I would mind checking my backpack, as their overhead bins were full – of course I didn't mind! I love being accommodating – somehow that makes me a more likeable person, right. About an hour into my flight - the realization hit me: everything was in my backpack, and I had just handed it over to them. If that bag didn't make Mexico City – which my dark side was already telling me was for sure my destiny – I would arrive in MC with nothing. Nothing. All I had on the flight were my headphones and my telephone. For 5 hours I managed to work myself into a frenzy of utter panic. By the time we landed, I was a complete wreck – there was no sleeping en-route to Mexico. I was now at 36 hours of no sleep.
Then welcome to MC... I should have been more prepared. Two hours of line ups to get through customs – I honestly believe there may have been over a thousand people standing in these long queues - like they went on forever. Then trying to navigate trains and shuttles to get to my baggage - finally ending up walking from one end to the other of the airport.
Then after not having any of my essentials with me for all of those hours – arriving to collections to see that there were literally no bags left on my carasol. Not only was my carry-on not there, neither was my suitcase. This whole time I hadn't cried – I had tried to meditate, state affirmations, visualize my bags – STAY CALM ROBYN. But I broke then. I totally broke. As I started running around like a crazy foreigner, trying to find someone to start questioning lost baggage – there it was – suddenly - in the distance – a lone red backpack. Just sitting there, tucked into a corner, off to the side. OK. Miracle! But now – would there still be a wallet and documents inside of this lone red backpack – just quietly sitting there, waiting for its daft owner - in the middle of the Mexico City airport.
Can you believe it? Everything was there. There was relief, but not as much as you might think… Because – problem is – I was fried at this point. I had brought 900 pesos with me – as I didn't want to have too much cash on me. I knew theft was my biggest concern – traveling alone – woman, clearly a foreigner, etc. I had thought 900 pesos seemed like a lot. In Baja it was! Here? My taxi to the airport cost me 350 pesos. Water cost me 50 pesos. The luggage man at the hotel, standing there patiently waiting for his tip – another 50 pesos. I was totally screwed. The hotel would not take my credit card, as I had reserved it online through Pay Pal, and I had to pay the same way. All of my money I had put onto my credit card, thinking that would be the way to pay, it was much safer than carrying cash, right? GREAT idea – only no one takes credit cards here. I hadn't eaten now in 12 hours, and I was as weak as I had ever been, after all of the experiences of the day. But I knew I couldn't spend any of my cash.
I went and asked at the front desk how much a taxi would be to the bus station the next day – my mind ever so frantically trying to figure this all out. Another 350 pesos. The bus to Taxco, my final destination, would be another 300 pesos. And I still hadn't eaten.
I finally started crying – because that was going to help me right? Nothing computed, there was no way for me to get through this on my own. I still “kind of” held it together though – but barely.
I was completely screwed. Finally, I broke. I called Jennifer – the friend in Edmonton who has helped me out MULTIPLE times – the friend who I have sworn before, I am “never going to have to call Jennifer again for help" – because, honestly: “I am now ready to create a life where I can take care of myself” - yeah, that friend.
This is what I have learned though, now, about this friendship – 16 hours later: There is no need to determine that I will never need Jennifer's help again. I probably will! And hopefully, she will know to call me if she needs help one day again as well. I have been there for her too – the truth is that our relationship is based on the mutual trust of “I am here for you” - “You can trust me” - “When the shit hits the fan, I have your back”. So the reality, is that over the years, we are bonding deeply – we are both single, and sometimes we need another person for emergencies, the same way someone else goes to their husband, wife, or partner – knowing that person will always be there for them. Often, I ponder, that people with spouses ultimately have very little idea of what it feels like to be completely and utterly independent – knowing you only have yourself at the end of the day to get you through the craziness of this life. But now, I also know, Jennifer and I have each other.
I had put most of my cash onto my credit card, because in the Baja, I have had multiple problems at bank machines trying to use my debit card – it just gets denied everywhere. So, I couldn't even go and try my debit card, just to see if it would work- there was nothing there! I tried my credit card, thinking a cash advance from there would be the best next option. NO luck there either. Truth is - I really hadn't thought that would work – but I was doing everything possible that I could before I had to make “the phone call.”
So, yeah, I called Jennifer. She was en-route from Nelson to Edmonton, and she told me later that when I called, her daughter looked at the phone, told her who was calling, and even through Jenn was driving – Jenn told her daughter: hand me the phone, Robyn would not be calling right now if there wasn't an emergency. (I knew Jenn was en-route from Nelson to Edmonton – we had made plans to talk only once I was settled into Taxco another day later.)
Yes, there was indeed an emergency. Jennifer wired me $300 Canadian dollars, but I couldn't go out to retrieve it until the next day – as darkness had already settled over MC, and nothing was even open. At least I had the potential to access money in the morning, however, it was surely going to be another sleepless night in a row.
Ya know what? I actually slept 6 hours.
That telephone call with Jenn was when it all hit me, what I had done: I had gotten myself to MC, but I had no money, no friends, no acquaintances to call, I barely spoke Spanish enough to get understood – and I broke down. Jenn kept me on the line for it must have been close to a couple of hours in total. She talked me through it – I was sobbing, hiccupping – on the verge of completely losing it. Ok, I was past the verge of completely losing it. I have never lost it like that before.
I realize now, and even last night when I started calming down – and Jenn helped me see it as well: I was suffering PTSD from the whole day – and from the whole weeks leading up to yesterday – and in reality? from my WHOLE LIFE.
PTSD from my whole life. Wow. That was the most incredible thing to realize. My life has been one episode after another of “dealing” and “coping” and surviving” - and until now, I didn't even realize it. I am sure everyone around me could believe it, and see it – but somehow I was oblivious.
The restaurant was closed by the time I got downstairs – and so by this morning, I hadn't eaten for 26 or so hours. Spanish omelette, refried black beans, and avocado has literally never tasted so good. I tried to eat slowly, and mindfully, and prayerfully – but that omelette was gone in three minutes flat.
I got a map from the front desk to the closest bank, made my way there, and IT WORKED - honest to God real cash came out of my account. I was alive. I was safe. I wasn't hungry. I had money. I was going to make it.
I booked a taxi to the bus station, showered, made my way there, and here I am. My bus from MC to Taxco leaves in half an hour, and it is another 3 hour journey. But on the other end, lies an apartment that is already paid for, friendly, kind, people that are expecting and awaiting my arrival, a city of only 100,000 people instead of 10 million! - and ultimately, a new life. Because I can't live this way anymore. It is time to settle in, to start living a “safer” life. That doesn't have to mean “normal” or a life that is “expected” of me – but just something a little safer, a little (a lot) less stressful and wild.
There were about a hundred more problems and inconveniences that happened yesterday, that aren't even worth mentioning, except to say, that somehow I survived some fundamental test of “who Robyn is.” I mean, yes, I survived it, and yes, I feel different today – less cocky, and less so sure of myself – but ultimately, without Jennifer, I would have been completely and utterly screwed. That awareness continues to rock me even now - 5:30 pm, as I proof read this post, and actually post it.
So, how do we thank someone for that? How do we begin to show our appreciation? I think the only real way is to make sure we show up for others equally as present as others are showing up for us. I hope I have many opportunities in my future to pass on the gift that Jenn gave to me. But, more importantly, I need to create a life for myself that has the resources to pass on to others what Jennifer passed on to me. And I am not there right now. So that means, I've got a lot of work ahead of me – to create that life that offers others random acts of kindness. I feel ready for the work.
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