Conditional Awakening.....

I realized today that every single part of this journey is about awakening....
That might seem ridiculously obvious, and even to my own self it sounds so...  ridiculously obvious.  But tonight i had a direct experience of it....  A dear friend had written this out to me only a day or two before, and i had been pondering it over the hours that had since passed by....
The tenants in the suite below me do not sleep, they simply don't sleep.  They stay up all night laughing and talking, and hence i now stay up all night as well.  I've had to learn to be ok with that, when i am much more used to getting a rested sleep and living in quiet places....  It's 3:44 am as i type this, and they are still downstairs going strong...
My direct experience tonight, was a simple and complete understanding that to the extent that i can be ok with what is happening around me, this will be the extent of my current awakening.  An awakened Robyn, sitting in the perfection of a sunrise, the glory of a sunset, or the wonderment of the ocean surf, is not of much use to the world....  But a Robyn, living in mediocre conditions at best, being in and with the world around her, sitting in the fray of life and not being shaken, experiencing all the highs and lows of life and letting them be as they are, that is the Robyn that i came here to find...  That is the Robyn that i came here to become, and by becoming, embody, and by embodying, transcend.
And yet even transcend isn't quite right.  For i can now see that there is nothing to transcend.  It is an unfurling of my own perfection that has always been there.  It is a throwing off of circumstantial enlightenment.  It is an accepting of everything as it is, and being able to sit in that space of perfection, and not have to change one thing.
I realized tonight that i have been a circumstantial yogi.  My union with God, life, others, Nature, Universe, myself, my Self....  All of it has been based on how i felt in the moment, how easily i was able to maintain my equanimity in the face of the fires burning around me.  When the fire got too hot, i would remove myself, and find a cooler spot.  When the noise got to loud, i would remove myself, and find a quieter spot.  When life got too problematic, i would remove myself, and find a place of peace.  When relationship got too intense, i would remove myself, and find a place of calm.
I wasn't being those things myself!  I wasn't perfecting those qualities in myself by simply staying put.  I was instead finding those qualities outside of myself, and then feeling like i was those qualities, because i had surrounded myself with them!
How intense of a realization!
Today i wrote out to a friend, all of the things that have happened to me in the past 30 days...  By writing them out, i was able to clearly see that this could not be a coincidence....  I have truly been in the fire, and for the first time in my life, i have not run or even slowly walked away from it.  And of course, they weren't happening to me anyway, they were happening around me, and i happened to be in the right place at the right time, in order to facilitate my awakening.
I have been attempting to manifest abundance in my life for the past few months.  Prior to these months, i has either been in abundance, or when i wasn't, i was completely fine and comfortable to live the life of a spiritual pauper...  I believe i even found some comfort in the letting go of the material world, and having nothing to deal with or worry about...  Now freeing!
Once again, i was a circumstantial yogi.  How easy to not actually be in the world, and feel awakened!  How different it is, to have a home, friends, community, a job, a life, a partner, and still be able to maintain this idea of being awakened. For even being awakened is another story isn't it.....it's just another idea that we've labeled as good, and then assigned a definition to it.
Tonight I'm making the choice to let all of those words go, they are no longer necessary in my life... My ego no longer needs this definition of who Robyn is, because it might be better, or more spiritual, or a higher path, or more holy, or even more true.
I came here to directly experience myself, others, God in the physical form, and all of God's incredible creations. Anything else is just another tale i am telling myself.  Anything else is just another set of words that allows me to diminish my experience here, and keep me out of the subtleties of this direct experience.  Pretty much anytime i open my mouth, unless i have no story attached to what i am saying, i am removing myself completely from the whole reason i am here to begin with.
It feels like this is as good of a time as any to choose to stay in a continual direct experience.  No more finding it in nature, or love, or intimacy, or connection, or community, or yoga, or work....  There is nothing to find!  I mean, it's literally sitting right here inside of me, available for me to claim at any and every given moment...
The only true pain i have ever caused myself, that was not just another story, was the pain i have felt by moving away from my own Self.  Letting circumstances dictate how able i was to directly experience the perfection of my being in every moment.  Allowing life to come between my self and my Self.  Should I choose to never allow this separation again, would that be labelled as enlightenment, or awakened or conscious?  Maybe so, but as of late, i am finding these words very boring and inefficient at explaining this process of connecting to our Source in every single moment.
I am feeling like it is only ego that ever needs to assign a word, or a definition, or an idea.  I truly don't care what i am, what i care about right now, in this moment, is that i am here to stay.  There is no more avoiding, no more procrastinating, no more trying to flee from the experience of this life.  When i am in the fire, i will stay in the fire.  When i am not in the fire, and it is coming near to me once again, I will not move away.