I watched a TedTalk on "why we will inevitably fail in our careers"....
The premise is that almost none of us have the courage to follow our truest dreams... If you've read my prior posts, you will know how much in the forefront of my consciousness this idea is right now...
What the speaker tells us is that if we do not have the courage to follow our dreams, our careers will almost be guaranteed to be destined for failure.... But this is merely background information for you, this part of the talk was not where I had my breakthrough.... as you might remember, i had come to my own conclusion on this exact fact a mere three days earlier...
What my breakthrough was was this:
The speaker said that we all have many many interests... Of those interests, we only have one true passion.. The mix up occurs because we cannot determine our truest passion, or we do not have the courage or confidence to pursue it, so we end up following one of our many interests instead. He said for every 20, 30, or even 40 interests, we only actually have one true passion! Our duty, therefore, is to determine what our true passion is, so that we can offer up that energy to the world. For by offering up that energy to the world, we are truly giving the world a most precious gift. Imagine if every single person was pursuing their passion! Imagine the happiness and wonderment that would over take the entire earth.....
How incredible... This is exactly my dilemma i have been in! I mean, this literally describes my conundrum perfectly.... I want to sing, play guitar, write music, write songs, write poetry, write blogs, i want to plant gardens, herbs, vegetables, pick ripe fruits, live on a fruit farm, practice permaculture, learn about cacao and carob beans, forage for roots, run a wine bar, grow grapes, make raw cheeses, milk cows, feed chickens, collect their eggs, play with border collies, live on the ocean, build and live in a Cobb house, live in community, write a book, find my soul mate, create raw food desserts for friends, cook incredible healthy meals for my family, pick wild berries, learn about bees, raise goats, practice aquaponics, have a child, homeschool my child, build a cabin from scratch, build a greenhouse, build an outdoor sauna, teach yoga classes, go hiking, continue my own yoga practice, deepen my meditation, connect with others, live in a food forest, live completely off our own land, live in a yurt, create an online journal of some kind, create a complete paradise on earth to live in....
I mean, this is just the start... These things came off the top of my head without even thinking about it. What I'm trying to say, is that I've got a mess of dreams and interests running through my head at all times... And i lie here, or sit here, or walk around, and try to fathom which one of them i should pursue... They all seem so realistic and completely possible... But i do nothing, because i cannot for the life of me determine which one i should pursue!
What i now realize, is that these things are all my interests... They are ideas i can read up on, dabble in, have conversations about, take workshops on, bring into my life as they come to me... But they cannot all be my passions! Or, literally, i will continue to live out the rest of my life without being able to pick a clear direction... Or i will pick a direction, and i will fail, because if it isn't my truest hearts yearning, or my ultimate passion, i will not have the energy, stamina or perseverance to truly bring my dream to fruition....
So I've got to figure it out. Now. I've got to learn what my passion is, and then I've got to go for it! There is no more waiting around for my passion to come to me, I've got to run towards it with arms wide open.... Shouting from the mountaintops how i yearn for it's creation in my life...
Today it hit me... In an intentional permaculture community, they are creating nearly all of the interests that i have in my life.... Especially when located down, they are often living in food forests, tiny houses, outdoor kitchens, playing music together, developing blog sites to share what they are creating, writing journals of their work, homeschooling children, building eco houses, practicing yoga, and truly, doing nearly everything that i have listed as my general life interests....
So maybe my passion isn't one thing, maybe my passion is simply to create, in all ways, in all areas of my life. I mean, i literally wrote this out mere days ago, but i thought it was unrealistic, and too far-fetched to actually contemplate or pursue.... But i don't think it is anymore.... I just didn't yet trust myself to fully realize what i really wanted for this lifetime....
I want everything, i want all my interests, but my truest most authentic passion is to live off the land. No more groceries purchased from the store, no more houses full of drywall and paint, no more fake floors, fake wood, and fake stone. No more vegetables flown in from across the world, no more berries packaged in plastic containers. No more lettuce in plastic tubs, and no more elastic bands around my onions. No more eggs in cartons, no more cheese in recyclable containers.... I have never fully believed i could live this way! I've convinced myself it wasn't possible, it was just a dream, or it would be too difficult to attain.....
My dream is to find a community and co-create. I want to blog, write articles for journals, write course descriptions, update our website, converse with prospective clients and customers, create materials and handouts for upcoming courses. I want to shout out to the world how amazing of a space we have, so all can come and join us and celebrate. I want to sit around a campfire, singing at the top of my lungs, playing my guitar, and sharing the music i have created....
And i want to meet my soul mate.... I now realize, i could not and would not have met him here in the world.... I can only meet him precisely where i am authentically living my truest self, the highest version of me, and the life i came here to live. That is where he will find me. He will find me covered in mud, somewhere warm, sweaty from work, and smelly from chores. And i will be perfect as i am.
My home is not in the city, my life is not not centred around grocery stores, coffee shops and yoga studios... My life is in the forest, surrounded by nature, listening to the crickets and insects as i fall asleep.... I don't want to listen to parties, and screams and drunken laughter.... I don't want to hear traffic, sirens and engines... I don't want to smell cigarette smoke and fast food restaurants. I don't want to walk through neighbourhoods with rows of houses... The thing is, all of that is fine, but it is simply not my passion. My passion is in the country, with little goats, and baby chickens and tiny seedlings turning into strong plants as the seasons inevitably move along.....
I've never fit into the city, i just never really understood why. I knew all my interests, and i pursued them all, visited intentional communities, spent winters in food forests, and spent vacations with like minded people... But i just never really considered that i could truly live out my life this way... Or maybe i did, somewhere deep inside me, but i was too scared to pursue my dream. I didn't really think i could do it. I didn't really think i had the strength to walk away from everything i had ever known, and start a new life over again.
I don't live like other other people do. I have no phone, no computer, no possessions, only a few pieces of clothing, and yet, i still try to fit in here, always trying to somehow fit in..... I can see now it would have never worked, i would have spent my entire lifetime trying to fit in to a life i was never meant to fit into...
I have come so close to this realization, i now see, so many times before, but i was always missing an important aspect... I was missing the connection with like minded people, to share this life with. I have lived all over the world trying to create this vision for myself, but i never realized i could join in with others on this journey. I don't need to go at everything alone! i need support from my soul mate and from others like myself. I don't need to try to convert anyone or change anyone. I simply need to be myself, and find a community that appreciates the me that i am.
I want to be warm. I want to see my skin tanned brown. I want to feel the sun on my face, i want to feel the salt water lapping around my feet. I want to feel like i belong, that i am not a wild creature trying to be tamed by the world. I want to walk barefoot wherever i go. I want to pick fruit for breakfast. I want to sleep with my beloved under the stars...... and i want to sleep with my Beloved under the stars...
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