Suffice it to say, i had a massive epiphany somewhere about 6 am this morning, after my approximate one to two hours of early morning sleep.... I now only need about 150 more of these hours of sleep to catch up from my time living in this house.... I've started to coin them "the lost hours", which really doesn't do them justice, as clearly they were perfectly ordained for these exact epiphanies to emerge...
Back in my pre-spiritual-path days, which are clearly still spiritual, so i would be more accurate to say: back in the days before i became aware of my own spiritual path, i did not ask or seek for advice, at all. I'm pretty sure i thought i knew everything, and who knows, maybe in my own way i did..... Somewhere along my path though, a teacher once inspired me to start seeking advice from friends, as they might often have a more clear insight into my own shit, than i could actually have for myself. This really made sense for me, and over the past years, i have really learned how to listen to another's take on my life, where I'm at, and the current situations i am finding myself possibly stuck in.... It has become easier and easier to listen to my own blocks and barriers emerge through the voice of those around me...
What i realized early this morning, is that this practice has served me perfectly, and now i am ready to set it free as well. I had this moment where i could perfectly see how accurate my own intuition of my experience has become, and how another's perception of my experience, will never be able to piece together all of the subtle nuances of my journey in order to make a fully informed piece of advice... Only i can do that for myself!
All throughout this recent job interview process, i have received the most amazing advice from my friends. They took incredible time and care to ensure that i was not compromising myself, diminishing myself, or acting foolishly out of old patterns and beliefs. The thing is, looking back, i can see now that every time an intuition came up for me, i would do my call-a-friend routine, stuff my intuition down, label it as fear, and then proceed to play out my friends advice.
The truth of the job interview process, is that i didn't think it was a right fit for me from the start, and had i listened to my very first initial intuition, i probably wouldn't have even sent in my resume.
I am looking for a career where i can live out my hearts dreams and longings.... This might even be a mother, or a a wife supporting her partner, or it could be the CFO of an incredibly conscious company or business....
The truth of the matter, is that my heart and my work must be in alignment with one another, in order for me to be truly successful. This might not be the case for everyone, i have no idea, but for me, it is most certainly the case. Since i left my career as a raw food chef, i have no longer known what my truest hearts longing is even for, so how can i be considering employment options without this necessary crucial information?
Yes, I've got to pay the bills, i do realize that, even if many of my friends might not see that i do in fact realize that.... :). So i guess what I've learned is this: i need some kind of work right now that i enjoy, it may not be my truest life's purpose, but it will at least not go against my truest heart's longing....
I believe i can find this, now that i understand the alignment that has to take place. I mean, i could literally clean yoga studios for all i cared, as simply being in such beautiful grounded spaces is at least more in alignment of my hearts yearning, than any $60,000 career i can think of right now...
I've realized that what a friend might term as fear, truly only i can sift through the path of my life, and determine if it really is so, or if it is actual authentic intuition coming up for me.
Right now, in this moment, I'm willing to wager that with this new clarity, i will see that most of it is actually true intuition. I mean, truly, how ridiculous is it that i almost took on a job i didn't even want, simply to prove to my friends that i was not living in fear, and that i was not sabotaging my own life and happiness!
The truth is that no one else can know my path but me. Yet these past years of seeking advice were also perfect. They allowed my ego to calm down, stop thinking it knew it all, and open up to the love of the friends surrounding me... I also don't believe this new awareness means i will no longer listen to my friends, for sure i still will! But i will listen to myself first. Just because my actions look a certain way to those around me, does not make it the truth. I am making the most perfect choices possible in every given moment, in order to unfold my own awakening process..... This is actually quite phenomenal!
I wrote to a friend this morning that i had fully surrendered my life over to God many years ago, and this is the reality for me... So maybe others are in a different place of surrender.... I don't know their path, and i don't know their experience or their truth. All i can know is my own. And my own experience is that God speaks to me directly through my intuition, and my practice now is to listen very very carefully, and learn all that i need to learn in every moment.
Right now i know this: my hearts longing is to live in the quiet of the country, surrounded by forest and wildlife... I want to play my guitar as loud as i like, i want to sing at the top of my lungs to the trees. I want to sweep the snow off my porch with a broom, and chop wood for my fire as the sun sets......
I have been searching for my soul mate for coming on 6 years now.... And truly, i have been searching for him since i was a little girl.... Today i choose to trust my intuition, and go to where my truest hearts desire is... He will find me there.
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