Thoughts on: Dying.....and Nothingness

on death

one day i realized i was dying.  it was such a grand jolt to the senses.  the doctors told me i must have surgery and treatments, pills and appointments.  i did relent to a few visits and treatments, found them entirely contradictory to all of my instincts, and have never gone back.  

instead, i spent two years eating only raw and living foods, drinking two litres of carrot juice every day.  then i was told fruits are too high in sugar, so for two more years i ate only vegetables and tender greens.  i have done well over a thousand coffee enemas, trying to nurture back my poor tired liver back to life.....  

i went to Hawaii, living in an eight by eight foot hut, eating only the fruit fallen from the trees.  i have spent months in meditation and contemplation.  i have sat by fires, in sweat lodges, Vipassana centres, and in prayer.  i have contorted my body in the most advanced yogic postures created by the sages.  i have done up to 30 standing drop backs in a row, training my spine to drop down and up again on it's own accord.  i have worked with my chakras, my kundalini, my energy fields and my auras.  

i have spent my entire savings on accupuncture, kinesiology, naturopathy, craniosacral massage, thai yoga therapy, tai chi and organic food.  i have lived by the ocean, in the desert, retreat centres, sacred lands, and spiritual vortexes.  i have traveled the world, finding spiritual healers, medicine men, and medical intuits. i have had numerological readings, past life regressions, reiki, soul retrievals and soul evictions.

i have sold my houses, my cars, my furniture.  i have left my friends and family behind.  i have given away every single one of my possessions.  i have gone down to what i now call Nothing, for it is true, i have nothing left.  

my best friend lucinda, a lovely happy playful border collie, i let go to dear friends.  i said good bye to my mother on her cancer bed, i said good bye to my father and my sister.  i met men, i loved them, and then i too set them free.  

i found myself one day with only my self.  and as i lay there, i realized that yes, even this was a story.  a less complicated story, a much easier story, and certainly a less damaging story, but it was still a story.

and so i found i had to let even this go too, this clear Nothingness.  and that was the most wretched night of them all.  

i am still dying, i am still living.  i am still decaying, i am still healing.  i now see this all is life, and too, this all is death, for i started dying the moment i was born.  life and death are but another form of the masculine and the feminine.  the good and the bad, the right and wrong.  not until we let go of one idea, can we let go of the other.   not until we accept the one idea, can we too accept the other.  it wasn't until i fully claimed the death, that i could fully claim my life.

the funny thing is, nothing has changed.  it never does.  what we think of as a shift in consciousness, a pure working through of a fear that has stalled us completely out for hours, days, years, lives, and even other lives, rarely brings about the cataclysmic change to our lives that we thought it was going to bring, the change that was the root of the root of the root of the very change we feared.  i let go of my teacher, i let go of yoga, i let go of raw food, i let go of carrot juice, i let go of Nothing, i let go of everything.  and my days are still completely

the same.