June 2014 Full Moon-Are You really out there?

it's been eight months today, eight full moon cycles....

it was october 17, 2013, and today is june 12, 2014

i was sick when i met him, and i got more sick with him

we parted on february 17th of this year, exactly four months together

and now exactly four months apart.

and tonight it is time to set him free

and tonight it is time to set Luis free as well....

all of these men that have some part of me tied to them
some thread that links me to them, and stalls out my momentum forward

love is a crazy mixed up world - it's true, it is
navigating my way through it baffles me

i have no idea when to surrender to love
and when to walk away from love

a part of me says, never walk away from love
and another part of me says, you will know when it is time

and so right now, i know it is time
to walk away

i want to be completely and fully available to my lover when we find one another
and these threads to past loves, yes, they are beautiful, and yes, they are opening
yes, they too are a surrender of sorts
but they keep me in my past
which if it where i was supposed to be, then i would be there, wouldn't i...

but i'm not there, i'm here
i'm not in colorado, and i'm not in mexico
and those bits of my heart that remain in those places
it is time to collect them up, one by one
and make this heart of mine completely whole again

i'm not with joey, and i'm not with luis
i'm here, alone, ready for the next part of this crazy mixed up life of love

the thing is, i don't want to let them go
i want to hold on
there is something about knowing someone is out there, somewhere, thinking about you
desiring you
wanting you
that makes this tumultuous crazy mixed up life
just a little bit more easy to live...

but when they are completely not the men you are needing them to be
and not the men that the world is needing them to be
when they are not yet willing to do the work
then my own work suffers for the connection i maintain with them

i don't want to sever this
but i will
it's 10:23
and i will go and lie under the bright white night of the moon
and howl and scream - at least inside my heart and my head!
and let them know, i have moved on
i will sever this cord that links me to them

and should they ever step up
should they ever decide to be the men this world needs them to be
that the people here need them to be
the men i know they can be
then and only then will i reopen to their contact
my connection to them tonight must cease
that thread that links me to them must be cut
but somehow this must be done with a heart wide open.....

that is my struggle
how to let go while staying in my open heart
staying in love
staying present for their potential return
yet completely and utterly moving on with my life

no longer waiting for the skype to ring
no longer waiting for the email that never arrives
no longer waiting for the words that go unsaid
no longer waiting for the emotion that goes unfelt
no longer waiting for the heart that doesn't open

tonight i create the space in myself and my life
for the man that will fully and completely
join me in the creation of this incredible life
i don't know where he is
i have no idea how we are going to find one another
but i KNOW he's there!
and i know he's doing the work, as am i
and we're getting really fucking close to one another
right now.