The Yearnings of Insomnia.......

over time, I've learned to welcome these nights
and no longer push them away
enjoying the complete and utter silence
the beating of my heart
the sound of the odd car, passing through the night
these nights always come as a surprise
nothing i can put my finger on to have brought them on
maybe cacao, the maca, or chaga...  or who knows what other superfood I've eaten that day!  designed and selected for some kind of adaptogenic effect on my body:)
but really, it's never actually those things...  the next night i will sleep like a baby after eating a double portion cacao brownie!
so I've decided over time, that some nights, my soul just wants my company
some nights, she doesn't want to be alone
even though my mind plays it's tricks on her
and even though some days she would rather i had no mind at all!
there are other times, like last night
where she wants to listen to all my thoughts
take notes, and gently tug at the seems of all i deem true
she wants to literally embody the yearnings for my lover
the prayers for my father
the not yet manifest dreams for this life
to acquaint herself with my longings, and scream, yes!
to give her input, have a real say in the outcome
and i feel her, during these long quiet nights
the hours, the minutes, the seconds, slowly ticking by
i feel her caring for me, healing me, blessing me, loving me
when not another soul in the entire world is even thinking of me
there she is, massaging the entire length of my body, inside and out
i feel her tickling my skin, touching my eyelashes, kissing my cheeks
during these long nights, wide awake and so very alive
every part of my body is magnified
i practice my tonglen meditation
i breathe in the darkness around me
the pain, the fear, the chaos, the destruction
and i breathe out the lightness
the goodness, the freedoms, the love and the creation
for that is what we all are
and that is what these long nights are to me
a remembering
of who i really am
who you really are
what this world really is
what this life really is
and i keep conscious company with my soul
and i know she appreciates my time
like a lover
that stays up all night with their lover
cold compresses, kisses on the forehead, sips of honey tea, light massages to the temples
pure compassion, pure love,  pure caring
that is what i feel
during these long silent nights
where the nothingness i hear, is You
where the constant beating of my heart
for nine straight hours
five hundred and forty minutes
thirty two thousand and four hundred seconds!!!
that is how many steps i took
closer
to
You
last
night