i slept SO well last night!
i fell asleep at 11 pm
and slept right through until 7 am this morning
this was one of my goals for the cleanse
to develop healthier sleeping cycles
I've suffered from insomnia for years
and so on only day 12 of the cleanse today
this feels like a huge gift
a sign
that this cleanse is indeed the healing that i am ready for
this morning i was on breakfast duty
here at the edmonton retreat centre - cabine soleil
it wasn't difficult for me, and i felt no temptation to the food whatsoever
i made a sweet potato and candied-tomato egg scramble
everyone was over the top happy with it
so that felt like reward enough for me
i love cooking and preparing whole foods for people
we used local free range eggs from just down the road
raw organic free range cheese from Kootenay Alpine Cheese
BC tomatos Gilbert picked himself this summer on vacation
and Dani had made the bread from scratch yesterday
i don't choose to eat these foods myself
I've been raw vegan for 10 years now
but if I'm going to prepare them for others
local organic ethical ingredients are a huge priority for me
well, not actually just a priority anymore
but mandatory
i am no longer willing to make other choices
because for sure, there will always be an easier way, or a cheaper way
but if i do this in one area of my life, i will have the capacity to do it in every area
Estelle continued to drink only her juices today
and didn't mention any more of her concerns for continuing with the cleanse to me
so I'm assuming for now she is feeling stronger
and we will discuss it more whenever she is ready to
it was beautifully warm here today, and i got to spend time lying in the sunshine
i also gave shiatsu massages to 2 of the guests that are with us right now
my mind today is starting to feel clearer
i know every day from now on throughout the cleanse, this will only intensify
it feels like a heavy fog is lifting
a fog i didn't even know i was in until it started to lift
my sinuses are completely clear
and i feel like I've never been able to breathe this freely before
my ears still have a slight ringing and fuzziness to them
but that is definitely clearing as well
the last time i felt this good was 3 years ago on my last long cleanse
this morning i was asked by one of the guests here at breakfast
what it is exactly that i am looking for in a potential life partner
i explained to her my theory of co-creation
and how when the masculine and feminine come together
with a shared life's purpose, the energy of that space is compounded exponentially
compared to what either of them could do on their own
and the love that is generated by the shared purpose
and the desire to co-create together
all create this magnetic charge between the two that is unparalleled
it is a completely different experience than what is traditionally found in the world
(much of my theories and ideas originate with the Anastasia Ringing Cedars book series-i have been studying them for three years now)
by the end of it the whole table was listening and nodding their heads
everyone "got it"
but here's the super interesting part
not one of them actually wanted it for themselves!
they felt that kind of energy would stifle them, take away their independence
make them feel cloistered, suppressed, unfree, overly accountable and annoyed
wow!
seriously, wow
this is precisely how ALL of the men have felt like that i have been with!
i was blown away!
so this is not a "feminine" problem per se
i mean, i thought this was what the feminine yearned for!
i thought this was simply a product of me being born a woman!
but it is not true
because every single person at the table this morning was in fact a woman
WOW
one of the women also shared with me that she had a male friend
who felt the same way i did
he wanted a partner to co create with in his life as well
not someone to simply come home to eat dinner with
take vacations with
make love to
walk the dogs
share a home
watch movies
support each other's separate careers......
he wanted something MORE
he had this yearning, this knowing, that there was something more out there
so i finally get it
this is a soul yearning, this is something i came here to experience, to share
it is not because I'm a woman, or because I'm trying to change any man
although, i HAVE tried to change the men I've been with
because i thought there was no other way
i thought men just didn't get it!
my soul so longed for this, and i honestly felt
that if i explained my theory enough times
they would one day finally declare their universal agreement on it
they would one day jump on board, and say, yes! this is incredible
this is too what i want!
but that has ever happened
and i finally see now that it actually has nothing to do with men or women
it only has to do with my very own soul
i cannot spend even one more second of my life
trying to fix or change anyone else
trying to get anyone else to "see it my way"
my true soul mate is out there
wanting and waiting to co-create with me
and I'm fricking wasting all this time
trying to convince all of these other men
that we have a shared life's purpose together
my complete insanity is finally settling heavy upon me today
i feel stupid today, like a fool
i feel like all of these men must have thought i was crazy
and i guess i was
i must have looked that way to them
but to the right man
that is ready to co-create
I'm going to be like a dream
just like they will be to me
an incredible, radical dream
imagine the love!
imagine the peace and joy that will exist in a shared experience!
imagine what we will be able to create together with our shared energies
and i know the feeling
because Bruce and i had it at times
there were fleeting glimpses of that surrender
that utter settling into the full experience of being One together
and today I'm starting to fully realize
that this is a movement
this is an energy that is starting to build itself on our planet
but there is this spark inside each one of us
that needs to get ignited
and if it's not ignited, it cannot burn wild
and in order to co-create we need to burn wild and free
we cannot be constricted, held back or scared
we must be willing to jump in
to let go of everything we have ever thought mattered
every single thing that has kept us from living our highest potential
our soul's purpose
how many of us are ready for this?
and how many of us are willing to no longer just say it, but actually live it?
that this spark exists i have no doubt
but who of us are willing to ignite it?
who of us are willing to surrender all and burn ablaze for love?
put down our masks. lay aside our weapons, and drop to the ground our fears
is this then why i am wasting so much tIme trying to change men
because it is actually I that is too scared to live with my heart ablaze?
as long as i am working on them
i will always have the excuse to settle for not living my own life's purpose
i read a post today by "what evolved women want"
it said:
a conscious man grows
more trustworthy
more interesting
more attractive
more sexy
more irresistible
the deeper you go
this gave me chills
it's the truth
this is my new marker for my man
this is how i will know he is the one
amazing sex will only get better, it will not slow down or fade away
afternoon trysts will not leave us, but expand to day long trysts
morning quickies will not leave us, but expand to well into the afternoon
late night romps will not leave us, but expand to all through the night
and "the work"
the work of pushing each other to greater heights
may continue to scare us! may continue to be the hardest things we've ever done!
but we will never walk away from it
we will never back down
and we will always find the Divine in one another
and allow the Shadow to walk away
He or She is no longer needed here
their purpose complete
and the time to move beyond fear and limitations
now here, with us, right now
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