cancelling on the retreat centre in Puerto Escondido last night
was super hard for me to do
it would have been so much easier to just go anyway
fill in my time somewhere for another warm tropical winter
i mean, i've done it a hundred times before
filled in my time
but it is just simply no longer possible for me
looking back on my life, it seems like that is what I've been doing for most of it
ignoring instinct, suppressing intuition, pushing away my soul's purpose
protecting my wounds at all cost
continuing to manifest relationships that would teach me my lesson
but being completely unwilling to confront my wound straight on
so continually perpetuating the experience
over and over and over again
i SO didn't want to be wrong on this one
i SO wanted all of the men that I've been with to be wrong instead
that would have been so much easier and so much safer
but none of this had anything to do with them
they just filled their roles (probably quite unwillingly many times)
and i spent half of a lifetime resisting the lesson
every single thing that i have ever wanted in a man
is what i am looking for in myself
and by making myself right, and men wrong
i refused to let the masculine shift
the very shift that i am dreaming of and waiting for
to allow all men to rise above detachment, aggression and closed hearts
i myself am the barrier
by holding in my own thoughts of who i believe them to be
and replaying it out over and over and over again
i have kept them in their holding pattern
in order for them to shift
i have to shift first
I have to believe they are different
I have to believe they are committed, loving, loyal, kind and heart open
I must believe they are trustable and capable of loving relationships
i must radically forgive every single one of them
the thought of surrendering all of my judgments of men
leaves me feeling nauseous
to trust a man
almost doesn't even seem possible
I've held on so tightly, for so long
to their complete lack of purity, trustability and morality
and yet I'm so close
i feel it only an arms length away from me
the life i have always wanted
co-creating a family with a loving, nurturing, attentive man
i thought he didn't exist
and now i realize
the woman i needed to be
was actually the one that didn't exist
my cleansing reactions to the DE have subsided somewhat today
although I'm still tired, nauseous and lying mostly in bed between work
but i am not in complete and utter discomfort anymore
I'm also struggling with feelings of being lazy today
not "accomplishing" anything, not being "productive"
I'm spending so much time in my room, relaxing, healing
it is at times hard to remember that this is the work i am here to do right now
the conditions i have gotten my body into
now demand i pay the price, and put in the time for a full healing to occur
the more i lay low and relax
the better able my body is to do the work it needs to do right now
the more energy i expend on other things, the less time my body has to heal itself
today it is hard to envision i have 29 more days left of this
today it almost feels like an impossible goal
and yet i know there is no escaping myself this time
we had watermelon juice today!
how incredible
it is for sure my favourite juice
Estelle is feeling super tentative about the cleanse today
and may even be stopping it altogether
she has a lot coming up for her
and is right now dealing with her mind telling her
that the cleanse is actually all wrong for her body
she feels healthy and strong so has lost her desire to continue
we made a pact before the start though
that anyone that wanted to quit, had to give 24 hours notice first
and we would all support that person with discussion before they started eating
so we will see how she is doing in the morning
i have a feeling she is going to see that her mind is playing tricks on her
and pull through to continue
my commitment to this cleanse is somewhat low tonight as well
in some ways it doesn't even feel possible anymore
and I'm bored out of my mind
i so know this is my mind playing games on me
i want to numb out somehow
and food would usually be my first go-to
i don't have the energy to go out walking
yet i SO miss my daily walk
tones of people juice cleanse and carry on with a normal life
but I'm detoxing this huge lump in my abdomen
and my stomach is really swollen
between the 2 large doses of DE each day
the 2700 mg of wormwood
and the 2000 mg of black walnut tincture (5 ml)
my body is really in a state of necessary downtime
in only 11 days I'm already tired of anything netflix has to offer
i can't find one book I'm interested in reading
and I'm too tired to be active
so i sit with myself
and no wonder this is so impossible for so many people
because right now it seems nearly impossible for me as well
and I've done at least 10 cleanses
and I've been sitting with myself for 6 years
go figure
it feels like if only i could even have one bite of food i would feel better
i know this is my body detoxing my prior food addictions at the emotional level
I've dealt with them before in previous cleanses
but i know i go a little deeper each time i do this
i know the food will give me absolutely no satisfaction in the end
and that is what i am letting go of this time around
moving through the idea that food can provide any kind of comfort for me whatsoever
and that really, ANYTHING outside of myself
can provide me any kind of comfort whatsoever
i got some massive clarity around my soul's purpose today
i mean, besides helping to heal the Earth
it is this wound
i came here to heal this wound of the masculine within myself
and once I'm done this then i can move onto helping the Earth
this makes sense, this makes sense why i haven't done as much for the Earth
as i would have hoped by now
because my wound is the priority
i cannot heal the Earth until i am fully healed and whole myself
wow
what a revelation
it further inspires me to let go of this toxic residue towards men NOW
i am now positive that my next relationship will be the one where my final healing work is done
where i am able to fully be my authentic self with a loving, caring healed man
and then the two of us will join together, and co-create the new vision for Earth
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