i slept for 6 hours straight last night
did that ever feel wonderful!
i also had this amazing dream
where i found on my computer
this whole mess of love letters from Bruce
and they explained his thoughts and feelings and ideas
and they told me of his love, and how full and rich it was for me
and these whole past few months i had been begging him for exactly this
to open up to me, share with me, dream with me
and it was this most incredible feeling of joy
like i DID matter, like he DID love me, like he DID want a life with me
and in my dream i realized
that we simply just don't communicate in the same way
i am waiting for something he cannot seem to give me
and he is waiting for something i cannot seem to give him
the computer seemed to represent this merging of us into one
creating a new space where we could finally understand one another
where we could finally receive what the other was offering
it was a true opening of the masculine and feminine to each other
and it could be awesomely beautiful if we didn't fight one another on it so much
last night i watched a video on the differences between men and women
and how we have literally been designed differently from one another
with a higher purpose in mind
so that when the two of us come together we make a whole
not two of the same, but one whole complete unit
and how this fuels our search for love, this joining of two to make a whole
this reminded me of what I've learned about men over the years
how they really do need to get things done
they need a purpose, a goal, a vision
without this, they are directionless and lost, seeking but not doing
never feeling fulfilled on any level
i think about how many men i know who actually have a claimed purpose
a spoken out loud vision
and there are so few
and the ones that do have one, they do seem different
they seem to have more direction in life, a more solid footing
with healthier and more intimate relationships
and then i think about me
and how what i yearn for is this very man
actually living his purpose
not dreaming of it, but living it
(because if a man is still dreaming of it, there is surely a reason!
there is a block, a barrier, and that barrier will be what comes between us as well)
a purpose that i can join in and co-create with, support him, help him do the work
love, embrace, and tenderly care for this vision with him
it's not at all that i don't have or want my own purpose too
but literally my heart is yearning to co-create with the masculine essence, and that co-creation IS my highest purpose!
and now this makes sense to me, how i couldn't understand Bruce, and how he couldn't seem to understand me
we continually seemed to be missing the mark with one another
we would try and try and try, but in the end, there seemed to be no way around this massive chasm between us
eventually the trying just became too much, and the pain just too great
i don't think Bruce ever really understood this part of me
this desire to co create with him, this yearning to be on "his team"
for one, he felt pressure that he now needed to start living out his life's purpose
i mean, if I'm going to get on board, then he's got to actually start doing it!
and if i am going to join him, then he must also "succeed"! right?
failure is no longer an option when you've got others counting on you
this alone i now see must have completely paralyzed him in his tracks
secondly, in a modern more traditional world, women are supposed to be doing "their" own thing, while men do "their" own thing
this is the independent, autonomous, safe way to play
if anything goes wrong, you both have a cushion to fall back on, you both have a life that exists without the other person
when the shit inevitably hits the fan, you are both going to be fine, right?
no one is "counting" on you, you have no one to answer to, no one to support
no other life to be accountable for but your own
but what happens if you fully surrender to the another?
what happens when you fully trust the other?
what happens if you have no safety cushions or security blankets to fall back on?
to me this is where the deep work begins
to me this is where true authentic co creation begins
and yet to a man, this must seem like complete and utter terror
like they truly are standing at the edge of a real and literal precipice
and to jump off will certainly mean their immediate death
basically, i was asking him to kill himself
i think i get it now
and thirdly, to name your purpose means you have to KNOW it!
it means you have to claim it, give words to it, give life to it
which also means everything else must go
all of the old comfortable places that energy went to must fall by the way side
this looks an awful lot like "giving up" all those things one used to love doing
but when the time in life comes to claim one's life purpose
the truth is that all those other things by default
are no longer offering the same satisfaction that they once did
they are done now more out of avoidance of purpose than anything else
and maybe there is still some enjoyment left in them, for sure
but the pain of being off purpose is much greater than any pleasure they now give
it also doesn't mean you won't ever do those things again
but the point is the surrender
the point is that one MAY never do any of those things again, and that has to be ok
i remember in my dream, i started reading all of the love letters - they had been written throughout our whole time together
they explained so many things that i had never understood
there were so many words that had never been spoken
and i couldn't figure out why he hadn't told me about them, why i had to just randomly find them like that
when analyzing the dream, i believe this may have meant that Bruce felt he had never really had a voice with me
he had never really felt heard, or safe enough to share himself with me
yet he was yearning for me to understand him, hear him and know him
he did want me to know his deepest self
but to share it with me face to face was too intimate, too close, too scary, too vulnerable
whether that was his stuff or my stuff, i don't know
but i do know it IS up to me to create a safe enough space for the masculine to flourish, open, actualize and evolve
i am realizing today the deep fear Bruce had of this opening to the feminine
how it angered me, when i should have softened
how it frustrated me, when i should have found in myself even greater depths of compassion
Estelle shared with me today how incredibly clear she is feeling on this cleanse
so far she is having little to no actual detox symptoms, her hunger is non existent, and she is feeling deep levels of peace, calm, certainty and connection
for the first time on a long cleanse, she is entering a deep state of "being" instead of "doing"
she is content to stay home and process what comes up, instead of going out and about, keeping busy, ultimately sacrificing the deeper truths that a cleanse will bring when fully allowed to come to the surface
the weather here in alberta was gorgeous today, and we got to lie outside in the sun
we also walked the dogs for an hour and a half, a nice slow leisurely pace
i feel so blessed for a return to summer once more before the alberta cold kicks in
i am so grateful for a safe landing here at Cabine to process a broken heart
clear away the painful memories
become accountable instead of placing blame
uncover the truth instead of living in the comfort of old stories
process grief and sadness until i can come out the other side
let go of resentment and return to compassion
for myself and for all others
return to the space of love
that is truly my most natural and authentic state
but seems so easily obscured by the world
and by my very own self
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