i slept for 6 hours again last night!
i was wide awake until 12:30 am. and was starting to get worried
but when i finally crashed i was out cold until nearly 7 this morning
we haven't done our daily yoga/meditation here now since thursday
due to the guests that have been staying here needing the space
and now with Dani and Estelle leaving, we won't again today
i notice the difference without it for sure
but the time off has given my body some of the extra rest it needed
i still don't have the energy for other exercise each day
and this is hard for my body and mind to be ok with
but i feel so certain that i am making the right choice
and that this cleansing process will be so much swifter
with the space and rest allowed and needed for it to happen
i am continually having moments of incredible mental clarity and ease in my body
followed by moments of cleansing so deep i fear i won't come out of it
i know this is a sign
to keep me on my path
to encourage me to keep up the work
the Universe is sharing with me this incredible vision
of what my future will one day look and feel like for me
i suppose i haven't mentioned Bruce much lately have i
i guess I've been doing some deep processing on it
so deep the words haven't even been rising to the surface
but today, words finally started to come up for me
and at first this is what my brain wanted to write about it:
the truth is that i feel complete with the time Bruce and i shared
i feel i have learned the lessons that i needed to learn from him
it was easily the most painful time of my life
and i am finally ready to do WHATEVER it takes within myself
to never manifest that kind of relationship again
my heart feels healed, it feels whole again, mended
stitched all perfectly back up together again....
this was one of my goals for the cleanse
so on only day 14 today, this seems like a voluminous marker passed
and it gives me hope, confidence and momentum forward
because i have been manifesting this same kind of relationship
since i was only in my teens
since the very first man that i ever dated
that watched porn, read porn, had porn up on his walls
talked about women as objects instead of goddesses
and i hated them all
and i set out to prove to them how much i hated them
by entering into relationship with them
to punish them, hurt them, pain them and then ultimately leave them
when they proved to me that they were in fact as brutal as i believed them to be
it was the pain body of a very young girl
listening to a father talk about women's breasts and asses
brutally cutting down my mother as being fat
making snide comments about ugly women
and then whistling and hooting at the "pretty ones" as we passed them by
and finally, finally it is all behind me
a lifetime of pain behind me
worked through in the end with "Radical Forgiveness"
(http://www.radicalforgiveness.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/Radical-Forgiveness-EBook.pdf)
and I'm going to have to be SO diligent now
not to fall into any of my old patterns, behaviours, or thoughts
any of those self limiting ideas and beliefs
that allow me to believe that i am not worthy of every single thing that i yearn for
that allow me to believe that men are not as worthy of love as women are
that allow me to believe that men are not pure, true, loyal, loving and holy
because the thing is this
i actually deep in my soul DO believe that men are all those things
i really do
and i always have
it was my shadow side
the side that was born to protect me from my father
that created this story inside of me to keep me safe from him
and all other men like him
but the thing is this
I'm a strong, healthy, smart, conscious woman now
i can spot "those" men a mile away
i don't need to protect myself from them any longer
they are not even in my same energy field
i am now safe to interact with all men that come my way!
if we are drawn to one another, then i can trust that i am safe
and as i trust them, they trust me
and both of our shadow sides can stay where they belong
off in the distance keeping a watchful eye
but no longer interfering in our lives and happiness
the biggest revelation of all
is that even "those" men that i did have to protect myself from
even them!
they too are perfect
it is only their shadow side that is protecting them as well
how can i not have compassion for that
when I've lived my entire life out the same way?
their shadow side distrusts me just as much as mine distrusts them
i am now free to let all men be perfect as they are
and trust that my highest self is calling in their highest self at all times
BUT
here's the thing
after writing all of the above
i felt compelled to send Bruce an email in response to his last one to me
(which i had never shared here, as of course, it is his email and not mine to share)
but when i reread his email, my heart completely unfurled itself open one more time
and i cried, and i cried, and i cried some more....
the truth is that i am not yet fully healed
that was my head talking and not my heart
and the process will take time and patience
we loved and still love one another
and this journey to complete healing cannot be rushed through
here is the email i ended up writing and sending him today:
(which finally came from my heart!)
happy fall solstice! (only hours away, and new moon too!)
thank you for your return note the other night Bruce
thank you for staying open to our healing together.....
i can't even begin to share with you adequate words to let you know the healing that is happening daily in my life because of our meeting....
it is just so incredible and wild and I cry many times a day for the releases of anger i am experiencing inside of myself towards the masculine energy
you are truly the most amazing thing that has ever come about in my life
i feel like not one part of me is the same as it was on july 11th when we tentatively walked closer to one another
reading about your releases and shifts as well, the whole thing just becomes an even greater experience of compassion and love for one another
i have been blogging daily about it all, and this creative expression i am positive has been paramount to my healing as well
so much comes out of me when i freely write, without holding back or censoring.....
i miss BC so much, the forests and the lakes and trails
i miss Whysper and you and your home
i miss elixirs and salads and planting gardens
i miss eating dinners on sleeping bags on hardwood floors:)
yet of course, i am exactly where i am supposed to be
(as of course you knew!)
and i honour your future journey so deeply
the potential course in the states, and your dreams for more biking
i also send you support for your meeting with the university
of course it will turn out exactly as it should
your destiny and purpose here will surely be fulfilled
every time i think i have healed my heart fully from us, i reread your last email
and i am broken wide open once again by you
blessings to you my love
Robyn
i had an interesting skype last night as well
it was with a former partner of mine
we hadn't spoken in over 7 months now
since that fateful night in February 2014
when our dark shadows
decided to attempt a conversation with one another:)
for the record
it doesn't work
at any given time
in any given intimate relationship
at least one higher self must be present in all conversations!
if one partner needs to bring out their shadow for a short period of time
fine
if it must be, it must be
but in a conscious relationship it then becomes paramount
that the other person stay fully connected to their highest self during that time
it cannot work any other way
unless of course you are comfortable with mad chaos
unless of course you are sure you can somehow survive the aftermath
we weren't
we didn't
in any case
it was nice to hear his voice
and in many ways it felt like the seven months had never even gone by
we are going to attempt a friendship
and this is the first time for me that i have ever considered this with a former partner
I'm not sure how it will work
because i feel that a full "moving on" is paramount to new doors opening
so i don't know
i don't have an answer to this today
but i do want to live with my heart fully open
and so for now, i will simply see how this feels and where it goes
and trust the process
while we were Skyping, a really huge spider crawled right over my leg
it totally startled me, but he was talking, so i didn't say anything
i just kind of swiped it away and it landed on the floor and crawled away
(I'm sorry spider that i felt fear and that i brushed you away from me so quickly!!)
then after the Skype, i started thinking about animal medicine
and what the spider was there to tell me
i mean, it's not that often that a spider will crawl right over a person IN A HOUSE!
there was definitely a message there for me
so i spent hours this morning researching on line
because i knew the message would be somewhat obscure
not necessarily the most obvious and first thing to jump out at me
because there is simply just so much history between me and this man
traditionally, spiders represent the creative forces of the feminine
and more specifically, they represent the creativity energy of writing
spiders are thought to have created the primordial human language
which is very accurate for me right now
as i have been dedicating myself and my time to this 40 day blog process
and yet, she crawled right over me exactly on our Skype call
so i kept on trying to dig deeper
knowing there was a message here for me directly pertaining to this man
i finally felt i had found it
the following is taken from:
http://www.whats-your-sign.com/spider-symbol-meaning.html
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Spider Symbolism
The Spider is an ancient symbol of mystery, power and growth.
We take our first lesson from the ancient symbol of the Spider by contemplating its web.
Just as the Spider weaves a web, so too must we weave our own lives. The Spider symbol meaning here serves as a reminder that our choices construct our lives. When the Spider appears to us, it is a message to be mindful of the choices we are making - and ask ourselves:
How are my choices affecting my life?
How can my choices improve my life?
How are my choices affecting others in my life?
Not only do Spiders and their webs draw attention to our life choices, they also give us an overview of how we can manipulate our thinking in order to construct the life we wish to live.
Spiders do this by calling our awareness to the amazing construction of their webs. Fully functional, practical, and ingenious in design - Spider webs serve as homes, food storage, egg incubators - seemingly limitless in their functionality.
When we consider this ingenious diversity, we can also consider the web-like construct of our own lives. How are we designing the most effective life?
When we see our decisions, choices and actions as far-reaching, effective tools in life - we can see how we weave a web that can either serve us or enslave us. The Spider symbol meaning beckons us to be mindful of our behaviors - be smart about the life we weave for ourselves.
We can derive more Spider symbol meaning when we consider certain subtle characteristics that represent ancient symbols of infinity.
The infinity symbol meanings occur when we consider most Spiders have eight eyes and all have eight legs. The number eight is also a symbol of infinity or lemniscate (an eight turned on its side). Also, the vibrational frequency indicates the meaning of number eight involves cycles, passage of time, and evolution.
In Native American symbolism, the Spider is a symbol of protection against torrential storms. In yet other Native American lore accounts, the Spider (personified as the Grandmother) was the teacher and protector of esoteric wisdom.
The meaning of Spider in India is associated with Maya. The term Maya comes from the Sanskrit root "Ma" which means no form or limit. The term Maya describes the illusory nature of appearances. The Spider’s association with Maya brings about the understanding that not all things are as they appear to be.
————————————————————————————————————
thank you!
i get it
be careful, and be mindful
stay awake
keep to my truth, and keep to my path
in every second, make sure i am creating and weaving the life of my dreams
the future that i am manifesting and building for myself right now
because there are no right or wrong choices
but certainly they WILL create my future
so i must make sure i am spinning everything that i want to spin
and nothing else
or my web will one day look significantly different
than how i had once envisioned it to look
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