i woke up this morning with a lightness of being in my heart
than i cannot remember feeling in at least six years
not since i spent the 90 days in mexico
on a self-guided, whole fruit, yoga, silence and meditation cleanse
i came off of it profoundly changed and liberated
and then proceeded to allow the world
to bring me right back to where i had started mere months earlier:)
this world is such an intense training ground for our souls
we are in the extreme sports league of soul development here aren't we!!
the biggest change with this feeling that i can tell you
is the complete and utter absence of fear
it is the returning to the state of grace
where i fully understand that life is a gift from God
and any part of it that is not completely lived with love and reverence
is solely my own creation, and not the experience for which i came here to live
these states of grace
are profoundly different from the striving for grace that i am used to experiencing
the feeling of doing all of these things to somehow achieve this state:
yoga, meditation, contemplation, concentration, workshops, spiritual books.....
i mean, the thing is, all of these things are what eventually GOT me to this state
so they are invaluable, and inextricable from the process
but they are not the actual experience in and of themselves
i feel awakened to a whole new purpose today
what exactly am i here for?
i have this deep understanding today
that all of the crap and nonsense that i bring into my life
is all based on my fears
my fears of living out my life's purpose
i create all of this drama, intensity, hardship, pain and lack
simply because i am completely afraid of jumping off of my own precipice
and into my soul's true reason for being here
especially my attachment to men
i see it so clearly today
it has been the core theme running through the entire 43 years of my life
wreaking havoc on my emotions, my health, happiness and stability
who am i when i am just me?
not seeking anything
other than the pure joy of the moment that i find myself in
i have no idea!
i see that within myself today
the constant and continual seeking
where will i go to next
where will i live next
how will i earn my next money
who will i be in relationship with next
these questions are all fine in and of themselves
they are my ego finding it's place in the world
making sure i am safe, cared for, sheltered, nourished and clothed
but when they define my life experience
and limit my perception of how i see myself in the world
when they take me away from my soul purpose
and confine me to this idea of how limiting my life is
then they are not working for me!
my soul is not able to thrive, shine, and grow to it's greatest heights
it is shut down, sequestered, and trapped away in it's little cage of impossibilities
i know where this is headed for me
I've been here before
it's living my life where i am meant to live it
in my fourth to seventh chakras
not in my first to third chakras
yet, still, coming to a place of health in my lower chakras
so i can carry their safety and security with me wherever i roam
for the truth is, i am a roamer, a seeker, a wanderer, a gypsy
a lover of life in all it's forms and beauties
i cannot tie myself down to one way, one path, one root
i crave and yearn to be wild and free
blowing like the wind, flowing like rivers, flying like birds
and each time i find this within myself, i bury it
and the easiest way for me to bury my truth?
food, wine, men, money, and yes, even spirituality
i went hunting for an old favourite book of mine today
it is called "The Tenth Insight" by James Redfield
it is a sequel to "The Celestine Prophecy"
I've read it too many times to count
but it was time to go back, back to where I've already been
where the truth has already been shown to me
where i can once again discover how to live my own life
guided by intuition, nudged with hunches, shown the way by "coincidences"
I've decided to dedicate the next days of this cleanse
to remembering how to live a fearless, bold, and courageous life
a life where i can finally experience what i came here to experience
but first of all, i had to revisit The Celestine Prophecy
and reacquaint myself with the first nine insights:
1 We are discovering again that we live in a deeply mysterious world, full of sudden coincidences and synchronistic encounters that seem destined.
2 As more of us awaken to this mystery, we will create a completely new worldview - redefining the universe as energetic and sacred.
3 We will discover that everything around us, all matter, consists of and stems from a divine energy that we are beginning to see and understand.
4 From this perspective, we can see that humans have always felt insecure and disconnected from this sacred source, and have tried to take energy by dominating each other. This struggle is responsible for all human conflict.
5 The only solution is to cultivate a personal reconnection with the divine, a mystical transformation that fills us with unlimited energy and love, extends our perception of beauty, and lifts us into a Higher-Self Awareness.
6 In this awareness, we can release our own pattern of controlling, and discover a specific truth, a mission, we are here to share that helps evolve humanity toward this new level of reality.
7 In pursuit of this mission, we can discover an inner intuition that shows us where to go and what to do, and if we make only positive interpretations, brings a flow of coincidences that opens the doors for our mission to unfold.
8 When enough of us enter this evolutionary flow, always giving energy to the higher-self of everyone we meet, we will build a new culture where our bodies evolve to ever higher levels of energy and perception.
9 In this way, we participate in the long journey of evolution from the Big Bang to life's ultimate goal: to energize our bodies, generation by generation, until we walk into a heaven we can finally see.
ok, i get it
I'm ready to walk into this new heaven
and i have been for such a long time now
every fibre of my being is yearning for this opening
the entry door is scary though
i keep on arriving at it's step, and then hightailing it right back to where i started
it is a portal that demands we leave the past behind us
all of our old fears and coping mechanisms
and embrace a completely different and radically new way of being
it's like this juice fast is taking me to my final frontier
the last subtle addiction that ties me to old patterns and behaviours
when i have to eat a "certain" way, i am limited
my entire life is limited by that belief
and yet!
and yet this journey to whole, living, organic, sustainable foods
was one of the most profound and revolutionary paths of my entire life
today i realize this:
living whole ripe organic wild sustainable permaculture back-yard gardens
chickens goats trees berries greens insects compost soil clean water pure air
all of these together make up our fundamental nature as a human being
just as every other animal eats their perfect diet
in the wild, free from poisons and toxins
we have the same yearning - to reconnect to our food sources, Nature
now that this is inside of me, now that i understand this natural way of living
i can let it go
it is now deeply understood as my true nature
i won't make any other choices
it has become me! it is who i am. i am that choice
there is nothing to do anymore, nothing to say, teach, preach or lecture
i just be that which i am
that which the whole world is ever evolving to, steadily even as i type away
so this last idea of right and wrong leaves me
i find more freedom within my body, my mind and my soul
and i become that much more able to branch out
from this belief of who i thought i was in this world
and leap into the next evolutionary stage of my life
which i believe is: The Tenth Insight
i am ready to walk into a new heaven
i went back one final time, these past few months
back down into my lowest vibration
but now it is done. it is over. i never again need to experience that
there is no more turning around at the entry way
today i leave my fears at the door and step through
more on The Tenth Insight to come tomorrow!
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