for the first time since i started water fasting i couldn't sleep
i tossed and turned all night
this had been my saving grace until now
those 12 hours of reprieve i was receiving come midnight
my tongue is still coated white
and the taste in my mouth is awful, like steel
the only difference i noticed this morning
is that it isn't quite as difficult to stand up
my stomach has however started churning tremendously
this new development isn't extremely comfortable
the nausea is about the same, but maybe not quite as severe
basically what i am trying to say is that the worst MAY be behind me
but I'm not going stake my life on it quite yet
if i knew i was perfect
i would be with you
right now
we've passed each other by
i know we have
i felt you
your jacket brushed my arm
that day
in the health food store
do you remember?
my body froze
my heart stopped
every noise amplified
if i knew i was perfect
we would be together
but my path to you
has been arduous, slow
and wrought with pain
so much
make-belief
pain
and then that time
when you held my body afloat
in the hot springs
for hours and hours and hours
and my skin got burned by the sun
by your gaze
by your fire
but still
i walked away from you
if i knew i was perfect
i would believe you
when you say
i am the only one
i hear the words
but they deflect off my skin
like sparks flying from a welder
all over the place
jagged angles
here and there
you wear your masque
to shield your self
from me
if i knew i was perfect
i would be in your arms
right now
we would be driving down the road
listening to your favourite songs
like that time in colorado
stealing glances at your profile
i loved the way you drove
you had to hunch over
the car was so tiny
and you were so tall
and the road
took too long
if i knew i was perfect
i would believe
we could actually be together
not just dreaming
not just knowing
not just saying
but believing
but the thing is this
the really interesting thing
is this
i am not perfect
and i never will be
and I'm ok with that
and I'm ok
with knowing
that i never will
get to be
with you
in between napping, I've been watching a 1986 movie by Shirley McLean
called "out on a limb"
it chronicles her spiritual journey, and I've so enjoyed it
at the very end of the movie her best friend and spiritual mentor has to leave her
and her lover also abandons her and even pretends he doesn't even know her
and she has this epiphany that her life is truly a life of her own
she is the only person she can truly count or rely on
there is no one else to love her but herself
this is my lesson right now too
finding my self love
finding my strength, my courage, my independence
learning how to live a life where my love is directed out to the entire world
and the love of the entire world is directed back to me
and i no longer rely on the elusiveness of one man for love
or one friend
for these all come and go
but the love of Spirit, God, Universal Love, this is constant
this is the only one thing in my life that i can truly count on
and this still scares me
i keep on having images of being a mother
holding my child, raising my child, schooling my child
i have a husband that is a man of God
and he co-parents with me
we have gardens and animals and land
we live near the ocean where the sun is warm
we swim in the ocean and play in the sand
we serve the Creator and no one else
not ourselves, not money, not success, and not the things of the world
we pray, meditate, read holy books, work the land and keep our bodies strong
we are natural vegans, maybe eating some eggs every now and then
or some raw organic free range cheese if it comes our way
this life puts such a smile on my face!
i know it's only my own fears and limiting beliefs
that have stood between me and this life of my dreams
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