the ceremony last night was breathtaking
we sang a Native American chant to call in our ancestors
shaking rattles under a sky filled brightly with stars
then we smudged one another with sage
and i saw two falling stars right from the start
Estelle and Dani lit the fire and it's warmth was incredible!
i sat with them from 9pm to 1:30am
feeling the warmth on my cheeks and my face
i saw two more falling stars before the night was over
by 1:30am i was so weak i was crying and they had to help me to my bed
but what a night!
i will always want you
all of you
every part and piece and patch of you
i will wake up in the night
and watch you
learning all the quiet details
that don't come out with words
i will let you leave me
and i will let you come back to me
i will cry
and i will lie in bed with my legs tucked
tightly to my chest
but i will not ever stop you
i will respect and honour your body
as if it were my own
massaging you and rubbing you
with all my favourite essential oils
lighting incense while you bathe
feeding you pineapple through the bubbles
and grapes and cherries and blueberries
and all kinds of foods that heal
telling you their vitamins and minerals
and their antioxidant and ORAC
and of their kirlian photography orb
because i care about these kinds of things
and i will visit your parents
whenever i am driving near
or for that matter
whenever i am driving far
i will sit and drink tea with them
and eat dry scones that will make me feel poorly
and i will talk to them of you
and i will teach them of the you you are
and they will teach me of the you you were
and i will take your dog
for long walks through the forest
while you are out doing the other things
that i may not even understand
the need for you to do
and when i come home
i will tell you how the flowers looked
how many frogs we saw
and how many puddles we dared to jump
i will sit with you through the long dark night
trying to understand where we went wrong
staying calm, present, alert
and if i falter
and if i fail
i will close my eyes, and find my way back to you
i will answer the phone when your dearest friends call
and really truly want to get to know them
i will share myself fully
something i am not used to
because they are all pieces of you
and i will wake up early
and take a bowl
and i will fill it with berries and cashews
and coconut and almond butter
i will sprinkle it with superfood sun warrior greens
and mix it all together
and run to the bedroom just to feed it to you
i will make you fresh carrot juice
and raspberry kale smoothies
because i want you to live to be one hundred and twenty
because i am going to live to be one hundred and ten
and I think you are going to be ten years older than me
i will read all the words that you love to put down on paper
not because it makes you happy
even though it does!
but because i want to know you
fully
completely
the parts of you that only come out
when i really take the time to listen and watch
and when you go out by yourself, to play in the mountains
i will take the time to be by myself
remembering what it was like before i met you
the solitude, the longing and the dreaming for you
and when the night comes calling
i will snuggle in with you
my head on your chest
my lips on your ribs
my hands on your hips
my left leg flailed wildly on top of your thighs
and i will remind you, when will be the full moon
and i will remind you, when will be the new moon
and when the sky will be clear
so we can lie out and count stars
i will take you to yoga classes
not because you wouldn't go on your own
but because you just never thought to
and i will let you care for me too
because this is the hardest lesson for me to learn
and i will let you teach me of how to love you
becoming one with you
without losing me, and without losing you
yet fully losing both of us
and i will learn how to access the parts of you
you didn't know were inaccessible
and i will sing you my songs
and i will read you my poetry
because every word
has always been for you
we pulled medicine cards
asking for what our lesson learned was and for what our coming lesson was
i pulled fox for my lesson learned, which means i have learned oneness
i have learned to step out of the shadows and be in the world
but not OF the world, just in the world, finding community and connection
which is so true!
just yesterday i had called my father and my sister
and made plans to spend time with them before i left for mexico
this entailed changing my flight date so i could fit this in
but i was SO called to do this, i did it without even really thinking too much
then i had emailed my nephew and made plans to take him out for dinner
while i was in calgary, which i had never done before
because i had never thought he would want to spend time with me
and my sister had even told me that herself
when i had told her of my plans
but he said yes! and i was so overwhelmed with gratitude for my family
i was crying for much of the day
and my coming lesson was mouse
which means i am to learn how to scrutinize less deeply
how to stop nit picking every single thing in my life
and just enjoy the journey.... ok!
it does sound a lot more free and relaxing :)
I've been sleeping each night from about midnight to noon the next day
and then napping again for some hours in the afternoon
probably 16 hours a day of sleep in total
what a difference from the juice cleanse
where i was sleeping maybe 5 or 6 hours
my body is working so hard for me at repairing itself right now
and i am overwhelmed at this journey
i would have never thought there would be such a difference
between juice and water fasting
but they are like night and day
and yet i can't say it enough
this water fast is like nothing i could have even imagined
it is worse than my greatest fears all lumped together
for anyone contemplating this journey
i would say to them do many, many juice cleanses first
drinking less and less juice each time
before undertaking this extreme of a spiritual, physical and emotional healing
every moment of this fast i fear that i am going to die
and even though i know i won't
it surely feels like i will
i don't even have enough energy to read anymore
i just lie on my bed and nap or contemplate or pray
i don't talk to anyone or even move
i save all of my energy so that once a day
i can prop myself up and write this blog
No comments:
Post a Comment