i had an epiphany during meditation last night
that this is exactly what i am supposed to be doing right now
this is why there is nothing else left for me to do
because i am meant to find, right now, precisely how to sit with myself
this is where i am to find my comfort within the discomfort
I've been meditating for years
sometimes many hours a day
but it comes and it goes
and when the real discomfort sets in
meditation is not where i turn
i continue to turn to food or men or the internet
meditation has never really healed me
because i use it when i am already "fine"
but when the shit hits the fan, and i don't have any solid ground beneath me
i move through the discomfort in the complete absorption of all of my vices
and THEN i do my meditation
once i feel capable
once i feel up to it
once the worst of the worst has passed me by
and i feel able or willing to once again sit with myself
this is never going to work
it's time for me to find the depth within my practice
it's time for me to find my answers
in the silence
instead of the noise
inside of my being
instead of outside of my being
If i find my joy in walking, what happens if i lose my ability
if i find my joy in a pet, what happens when they eventually pass away
if i find my joy in serving others, what happens when it turns to resentment
if i find my joy in eating, i will continue to overeat
if i find my joy in a man, he may one day leave me
if i find my joy in traveling, the money may one day end
there is an end to every single thing around me
and yet the "me" that is deep within me
that source of infinite joy and love
that is never ending
that is the only true thing that i can count on
i know it's there
i feel it
but i have never fully tapped into it
my energy has always come from outside of me
i finally see that i have never actually fully connected
to the Source within myself
maybe for brief moments here and there
and then i move on, back into the world
and all of it's illusions of security, happiness and fulfillment
it truly is the conundrum of the spiritual life
knowing that we are here to connect with others
knowing that we are here to experience the world and all of life
knowing that everything around us is here for our pleasure and joy
and yet also the deep knowing that none of it is real
if we count on any of it, in any way, to be the source of our experience here
we will only, every time, be fully and completely let down
the source of our experience of joy is Source
and the source of this Source is always and only Source itself
and the way to find Source is through meditation
there are many ways to find glimpses of this joy and happiness:
through a cup of coffee with a friend, a glass of wine with a lover
sharing a meal with a group of incredible friends
but the coffee, the wine, the friends, they are not the Source
and if we continue to get this confused, we will never find peace
we will only look for another glass of wine
another cup of coffee
another plate of food we love and crave so much
and it will never end
we will want more and more and more
because we have not understood the difference
between experiencing Source through our experiences
and finding the true Source within ourselves
Estelle and i did a meditation together this afternoon
and i had a further awakening to these thoughts of mine
i realized that i have used meditation to curb the fluctuations of my mind
i have managed over the years to reign in my wandering thoughts
and focus them with intention and stability onto my Self
this has changed my life, and i have much appreciation for the journey
and gratitude for the peace this has brought to my life
and yet i now see how much further there is for me to go
such a profound level of deepening into the practice awaits me
I've been stalled out, at this resistance to go further
this resistance to move my practice deeper
a paralyzing fear of how this would change my life, where it would take me
the old patterns i would have to step away from
in order to undertake this new odyssey
and yet today the fear is gone
today i feel ready for change
more than ready
i feel capable
i see how i have used all of my vices
to directly keep me away from Source
from experiencing this life and world in direct alignment
with my power, authenticity and truth
today
it no longer feels possible
to spend another day in no-mans land
where i am no longer of this world
yet i am not yet linked to the Other world
it is like being in
purgatory
not quite bad enough for hell
but not quite good enough for heaven
No comments:
Post a Comment