Day 28: The Tenth Insight

today was a super rough day for me
emotionally, spiritually, and especially physically
i went through a deep cleansing within my body
i could feel it starting to come on mid afternoon
my appetite became ravenous
i had to eat at least four bowls of the broth to get through it
then my stomach bloated, i got nauseous
my face broke out in acne
which happens for me each time i go through a crisis like this

and through it all i received an email from Bruce
right in the midst of it!  coincidence?
not a chance
that is part of the first nine insights:
there is no such thing as coincidence

i wanted to be sad by the email, my old patterns coming up
and the physical cleansing occurring at the same time
would have made it so easy to do so
but that's the tenth insight
that's exactly it!
how to keep my vibration and energy of love high
no matter what is going on around me
so i sent Bruce first love, and then a return email
telling him he too is in my thoughts, my prayers and my memories

so within literal moments of setting down the book "the tenth insight"
i was able to practice it in my life
i now choose to keep my energy high
no more dipping and dropping down
as a response to the stimulus that occurs around me
because if i can do it once, no matter how strong the reason
then i will be able to do it again, and again and again
today i choose to find the joy and love and happiness
within my very own being
no longer looking for anything or anyone outside of me to provide it
i am complete within myself
anyone else in my life that brings me joy and happiness
only advances this state of perfection within me
but in no way creates it or defines it

my cleansing reaction was so strong today
i had to cancel on leading yoga and meditation tonight
no one minded, and actually everyone was on the same page
and appreciated the break for the evening
i had given Gilbert a shiatsu massage, so he especially did well with a rest

i found this poem today
i felt like it was part of my final letting go of Bruce
no more holding on to him
his email made me want to claim him one more time
and yet, i could see the truth
his email was actually part of my letting go.....
if he was mine, he would have claimed me
if he was mine, we would be together right now
and so this poem helps me to say good-bye:

Sometimes people walk away from love because it is so beautiful that it terrifies them. Sometimes they leave because the connection shines a bright light on their dark places and they are not ready to work them through. Sometimes they run away because they are not developmentally prepared to merge with another- they have more individuation work to do first. Sometimes they take off because love is not a priority in their lives- they have another path and purpose to walk first. Sometimes they end it because they prefer a relationship that is more practical than conscious, one that does not threaten the ways that they organize reality. Because so many of us carry shame, we have a tendency to personalize love's leavings, triggered by the rejection and feelings of abandonment. But this is not always true. Sometimes it has nothing to do with us. Sometimes the one who leaves is just not ready to hold it safe. Sometimes they know something we don't- they know their limits at that moment in time. Real love is no easy path- readiness is everything. May we grieve loss without personalizing it. May we learn to love ourselves in the absence of the lover.