i woke up this morning reconsidering the length of this cleanse
45 days, 50 days, 60 days........
i leave for mexico, a new life, on exactly day 50
i will once again be walking away from literally everything that i know
and stepping into a completely new life
and i will be free to start over again
with no recent history, past patterns, beliefs or opinions
full freedom to create a new life and world around my choices
in all areas, including food
I've been a raw vegan for 10 years
but what options will my new life present to me?
when i am completely open to life, fully trusting in the process
can i believe that there is a new and possibly alternate way of living?
with no labels attached to it, no words, no ideas, no limitations
full freedom to trust my body and what it needs
and to trust the universe that what will surround me on the land in mexico
will be exactly what i need to sustain me, fuel me and nourish me
i am a little intense when it comes to sacred geometry and numerology
everything around me means something to me
every insect, tree, plant, blade of grass and especially every number
so i looked up 50 on the internet
and it's spiritual significance for our lives
i learned things this morning that i had never had a clue about!
the number 50 is a highly charged number, full of meaning and symbolism
ultimately, it represents the transcendence of the self from the lowest depths
through to finding the highest and greatest depths of ourselves as humans
this link was fascinating for me as i studied the significance of the number 50:
http://www.aish.com/h/sh/t/48967246.html?tab=y
today i feel confident that October 29, day 50, will be the day i break my fast
it is also the time of Halloween
another wonderfully intense and powerful time of the year
it is the night when the veil is the thinnest
between our physical world and the Other world
a truly magical time of the year
when the material world and the spiritual world
touch for even a brief moment, and we are given this gift
of seeing through to the Other side
i was given a spiritual gift of grace today
a moment of awakening, where i could see my life from a distance
as a spectator instead of a participator
and i could see my life splayed out in front of me
the entire length of my history in relationship
each one playing itself out
from the time i was 15 to the time i am now
and i saw my fear, my hurt, my anger and resentment
i saw how i pushed and i pulled, i hated and i loved
i saw how i ran from every single one, all the while
my greatest fear being that they would run from me
and i was able to sit with that, simply experiencing it for what it was
and then shift my heart into a new state of being
a state of acceptance for the masculine, others and myself
to allow each of us to be our own magnificent perfect self
moving into a state of acceptance for my past, all the things i have done
that i regret, that i wish i could change, fix, mend, repair, void out of my life
but i can't, and i won't, and i became ok with who i am
and who i have been until now
and the freedom i found in that!
the joy and the excitement that filled me
and the new love that claimed my heart
thinking about the next partner in my life
and the radical changes in experiencing relationship with him
and how finally, finally, i can give someone the freedom to just be them
and i was overwhelmed with gratitude at this grace from God
that came to me today
it felt like all of my past simply fell away from my being
like an old worn out coat that i gently shrugged off my shoulders
like a second layer of skin that i no longer needed
to protect me, veil me, shadow me and hide me
and the lightness of being that overcame me!
it's like a rock rolled away from the entrance to my heart
and the excitement i now feel!
for the coming together of my beloved and i
to be this new woman that i can share with him
this beauty that i found within myself today
is such a blessing
i know i cannot find the words to tell you
how I'm simply not the same person right now
that i was mere hours ago
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